Loss

Written by Alli

When I was told it was highly unlikely I would ever conceive a child, the greatest feeling I had was one of loss.  I had to deal with this just like I had all my other losses.  I had to grieve.  I had to come to terms with the fact that I would not be able to experience something I’d always wanted.  I had to learn how to live with this loss.

Adoption is a wonderful, beautiful, amazing thing!  It brought us Carter and for that I am forever grateful.  But it doesn't help lessen the pain of never being able to experience the feeling of being pregnant.  It is one of the greatest miracles in the world and I will never get to be a part of it.  That is something I still struggle with.  It’s not every day, it’s not even that much.  But sometimes, when I hear someone is pregnant, I wonder what it feels like.  I wonder what it’s like to know you are making a human being, to feel that baby inside you.  I wonder what it's like to feel it kick and move.  I wonder what's its like to give birth. These are all things that I’ll most likely never experience and that causes me sadness.  

Infertility is something I’ll have to deal with for the rest of my life.  It’s something I might grieve again and again.  But I've learned that with my infertility comes strength.  With my infertility comes growth.  And most importantly, with my infertility comes miracles.