Becoming "Mom"

Alli's Story - Part 3

To read Part 1, click here.
To read Part 2, click here.

It’s very fitting that while I’m writing this post, we are on our way to Arizona to see Carter’s birth mom.  This is the first time we are seeing her since he was born exactly 20 months ago and I can't wait to see her!  But, more to come on that in another post. :)

We were chosen by our birth mom on March 28, 2012.  She was due the middle of August.  THAT was a long 5 months.  Many hours were spent on Pinterest, looking for designs for the perfect nursery.  Thankfully that is a huge time waster, so I was able to find ways to fill my time.    Late afternoon on Wednesday, August 8^th, I was with our youth group driving to the lake to go waterskiing.  We'd be driving about 15 minutes when I got a text from E (our birth mom).  It said, “Hey beautiful.  How long does it take you to get to Arizona?”  I wasn't driving, so I told my friend, Melissa to “Take the next exit!  I think our birth mom is about to have the baby!”.  I was texting E as fast as I could.  She was in fact scheduled for a C Section the next day at 1:00.  Since it was an 11 hour drive from our house to Arizona, Paul and I needed to leave ASAP if we were going to be there in time.  The youth group dropped me off at a McDonald’s right off the exit and I called Paul to tell him he needed to leave work right away, we were going to meet our son!  I called my friend Rachel next to see if she could come rescue me from the McDonald’s.  She happily said yes.  While I was sitting at McDonald’s, I started calling our family to tell them we were headed to Arizona.  I was crying with every phone call.  A very nice couple offered me some napkins and that sweet gesture caused even more crying.  I was so happy to see Rachel.  I couldn't wait to start the drive to meet our baby boy.

Paul met me at home and we hurriedly packed.  Since we were doing an interstate adoption, we didn't know how long we would have to be there.  We needed to plan for at least 2 weeks, but it could be more (more on this later).  So we packed up pretty much our whole house.  Rachel saved the day again when we didn't know how to install the car seat (apparently you either use the hooks or the seatbelt, not both.  We thought both would be the obvious choice,  because you know, Safety First!).  We drove 4 hours that night and arrived at our hotel after midnight.  We woke up bright and early at 5:30 a.m. and headed for Arizona.  Thankfully they are an hour behind us, so we gained an hour on the drive.  We arrived in Arizona  just in time to receive a picture of our son.  He was born happy and healthy at 1:15 p.m.  As hard as it was not to go straight to the hospital, we wanted to give E and her family time with the baby before we showed up.  So we checked into our hotel and bought E some flowers before going to the hospital.  E was (as always), thinking about us and had her sister text us to tell us she was out of surgery and to get up to the hospital!  So we headed to the hospital.

This was taken in front of the hospital before we met Carter.  Our last picture as a family of 2.

I was trying to keep my emotions in check, but they were all over the place.  Excitement, fear, nervousness, joy.  It was hard to even think straight.  We walked into the hospital and headed to E's room.  When we walked in, she was there with her family.  I was so happy to see her and see that she was ok.  Paul and I hugged her and talked to her and made sure she was feeling ok.  Then E's mom said, “Do you want to hold your son?”.  Oh wow, the tears started flowing.  I couldn't wait to get my arms around that precious little spirit.  He was perfect in every way!  He was absolutely the most beautiful baby I had ever seen.  There was my son.  My precious little Carter.  The baby we had prayed for and hoped for for years.

Adoption is a tricky thing.  At that moment, he wasn't ours yet.  And yet he felt like he was.  We wanted to be respectful of E and her family, but we also wanted to just hold and feed and change him.  I wanted to send pictures to everyone I knew and I was deeply saddened that our family couldn't be there to be a part of this momentous day (not because E didn't want them there, but because it was so far away from home).  I was very aware of the fact that there were no parents or siblings there to celebrate with us.  I tried not to let that bother me and just soak up every single minute we had with E and Carter.  E had requested that we have a room in the hospital so we could be with Carter as much as possible.  The next two days were spent going back and forth between E’s room and ours.  E was amazing and let us have Carter in our room during the night so we got to experience the first moments of parenthood.  She wanted time with Carter by herself and her family, so she had moments alone with him as well.  At the time, I was so nervous when she was with him, but looking back on it, I wish I would have encouraged her to spend even more time.

My absolute favorite picture of Paul.  Can you tell he loves his son?

After 48 hours, E was able to go home.  While she couldn't sign the relinquishment papers for another 24 hours, she wanted us to take Carter with us when we checked out of the hospital.  So we had to say our goodbyes at the hospital.  That was the hardest day of my life and I’m sure of hers.  We gave her a gift and we all took pictures and then we cried and hugged.  We spent time with her parents while E was saying goodbye to Carter and they assured us that E had known since the day she found out she was pregnant that she was going to place and that when she found us, she knew Carter was meant for us.  Have I mentioned how wonderful E and her family are!  It was horrible having to say goodbye to E and her parents.  I couldn't help but feel guilty as I held that sweet little boy in my arms.  I was torn between happiness and sadness and couldn't quite pinpoint which one I should be feeling.  And while I was so happy to have Carter, I was still nervous.  Placement day technically wasn't for another 24 hours, so he still wasn't ours.  

We took Carter back to our hotel and tried to relax.  But I’ll be honest, I just wanted the next 24 hours to be over.  The case worker called and said he was meeting with E at 1:15 the following day and then he would come to us and we would sign papers as well.  We asked him if he would take a gift for E and give it to her when she signed the relinquishment papers.  We had gotten her a necklace and written her letters.  I was very conscious of the time the next day and could feel my heart breaking at the moment it was time for E to sign.  I could not imagine the strength, courage and love it took E to do that.  We heard from the case worker shortly after 1:15 and he said E had signed and he would be at our hotel shortly.  I was filled with relief, but also guilt that I was relieved.  I knew she was hurting and I wanted to be there with her to hug her, and to tell her how much I loved her.  But I knew I couldn't.  I knew this was something she had to do.  So I did the next best thing.  I held Carter instead and told him over and over how much his birth mom loved him.  I told him what an amazing woman she was and that we loved her so much.  She is forever a part of our family and we are forever joined by one amazing little boy.

Our first family picture, taken in our hotel room, by E's case worker.