Little Stings

Written by Brianna

When you first lose a baby the blows are so huge that you feel a shortness of breath at any given time.  And in my case they just kept coming.  I was in and out of pregnancy every few months or so from July 2010 through January 27^th, 2013.  Yep two and a half years of being pregnant, suddenly not being pregnant, wanting nothing more than to still be pregnant, trying hard to get pregnant again, and surviving an anxiety ridden pregnancy... rinse, cycle, repeat.  This unfortunately had become my identity and the blows were constant… but expected.  What I hadn't expected, and what still surprises me, are the little stings that come now.

The best way to describe “little stings”, are to give some examples.  For instance, every time someone asks me how many kids I have I am taken back.  It’s an honest, well meant question as to which I have had to figure out what the correct answer for me is.  I have come up with what I feel is a good one, I simply say "I have three girls here" or "I have three girls at home".  Most of the time people don't hear much after three girls, but if they do and probe any further I am happy to explain.  Funny thing about me is that I have found I am good with explaining to the extent that I feel they are comfortable hearing... I hate making people uncomfortable, but that's a whole other post. ;) (sigh) Still every time I get asked that question I pause for a moment in order to set aside that flutter in my stomach before I answer... every time.

Another more recent one occurred just this past week when my almost eight year old daughter was to be “Star of the Week” in her class at school.  On her all about me question sheet it asked how many brothers and/or sisters she had.  She wrote in the number 2.  She then proceeded to tell me she knows she has four sisters, but two of them are in heaven.  I know her explanation to me was trying to spare my feelings, and I know she doesn't want to try to explain to her seven and eight year old classmates that she has sisters in heaven… logically I know this…. BUT it still stung a little.

The stings come as each year passes, and my babies become a little less remembered.  Their names get mentioned less, a few less people acknowledge their birthdays, they get a little more forgotten, and many assume that I am "all better".  Now this is not on purpose.  Friends and family usually mean well, but when someone is not right in front of you all the time it just gets easier to forget about them :(… right, wrong, or indifferent.

 Pictured is all of us visiting Alex for her 2nd Birthday.  Demree's grave is located right behind the girls.  I heart this picture. ;')

Now I like to end these posts on a positive note.  I am not wallowing in my own pity party or expecting an influx of apologies from my above mentioned well meant friends and family.  I am a very loved girl and I have a HUGE support system.  I much prefer the little stings to the big blows any day of the week, but to pretend they don’t phase me would be a disservice. Even though I have come to expect a few stings as I navigate through this life with a piece of my heart missing, I still can’t help but be a little stunned when I feel them.

Last but not least, all of my love to those still in the knock out round. :’)