To read part one click here.
Originally written, OCTOBER 10, 2012
Trying...
I would assume that most people reading this know how a baby is made, and I don't need to get into the real logistics there. A little history on me would be that I have a mixed bag when it comes to my fertility. It took me almost 18 months, and the help of medicine to conceive my first baby M. My second baby J was with in three cycles. Demree, my next pregnancy (6-week miscarriage), and Alex were all immediate. By this point I thought my body had really figured out how to get pregnant, maybe not stay pregnant, but definitely get there. I was mistaken.
It's all a little blurry because of how emotional I was at the time, but I went for two cycles "trying" on my own. The first of which I was very casual about. I really just wanted it to happen so I could place it all on the Lord's will, but like so often in my life the Lord wants me to express my free agency, and will hold me to being an active part in the route my life will take. Since I did not conceive on my first cycle like I had with my previous three pregnancies, I went more direct with ovulation tests. When ovulation tests exposed that I was not ovulating I called my doctor.
Julia (my OB) had no problems with prescribing me a fertility drug to help me ovulate. She assured me that neither drug had any connection with pregnancy loss. She gave me the choice of Femara or Chlomid. I went with Chlomid, because it was remarkable less expensive. I tried this for two cycles... no pregnancy. I was worried, even though my body was probably just trying to recover and needed more time, but not being able to conceive only seemed to magnify my grief and lack of control. I called my doctor's office, and they strongly suggested I switch to the Femara. Great I thought. I had priced out Femara, and the cheapest I could find it was for approximately $252 for the ten pills I would need for this one cycle. The thought of this made me sick inside, but I was leaping here so I agreed to it. I went to pick them up at the Walmart Pharmacy, and I was already to throw up in my mouth when I was told my total and the pharmacy tech said I owed like $4.52. I asked him to check again that he had the right person and prescription to which he did and confirmed what he said above. I paid the man with a $5 bill, and left with my mouth wide open. I even called the pharmacy again the next day to be sure they were not mistaken, and they weren't. This was a true witness for me of one of the Lord's tender mercies. I was thrown a little life line that some would consider insignificant, but for me it meant the world. Also, for the first time on this journey I felt I was moving forward on the path I was meant to be on.
So the rest is history. I took the Femara, ovulated, and had a positive pregnancy test two weeks later. Now the real journey began.
Extra precautions...
When I found out I was pregnant I called my doctor's office so they could put me on low dose Heprin. This is an experimental option I went with to insure I was doing everything possible to give this baby a chance. Like my doctor told me, "no guarantees, but you have nothing to lose (by using the Heprin)". Heprin should help to thin and increase blood flow to the placenta... healthy placenta equals healthy baby. Also Heprin could help with any blood clotting agents that are thus far unknown to the medical world. Heprin can only be dosed via injection, so that's what I do twice a day until I am 30 weeks along. No it is not fun, and my stomach and thighs are bruised like I let small children treat me like a pinata, but it's the least I can do to give this baby every chance at making it.
At first I went into the doctor every two weeks to check my progress. Then it went to every week during my high stress, anxious weeks. This last time I made it three weeks without going in! I know that may not seem like much, but for me it is huge. It helps that this baby is very active, and I can feel a lot of movement. I still get anxious, but the baby moving gives me relief in between the moments of panic.
Where we are now...
I just went to my 22 week target ultrasound appointment, and our baby looks wonderful. Everything looks great, the heartbeat sounds great, and out baby is right on track for size. We pray daily for a healthy baby that we can raise here in this life. I guess when it comes down to it, as much as I love being in control I just had to give it up. I have no control over what happens, and as much as that scares me, fear was not a good enough reason not to take this leap. We love this baby come what may, and while we are hopeful... we know our family's fate is truly in the Lord's hands. We love and appreciate all the prayers and support you all give us. We feel of your comfort every day. Thank you.
The rest of my pregnancy thankfully was not quite as anxiety ridden as those first twenty-two weeks. I still worried ALL. THE. TIME. Every night I would go to bed exhausted, from anxiety (and pregnancy), but feeling accomplished that I had survived another day, and kept this baby alive. Every morning I would wake up with what felt like an elephant sitting on my chest due to the anxiety of not knowing what the day might bring. I would wake up frequently in the night panicked that I hadn't felt the baby move in while. Which of course I hadn't because I had been asleep, but logic is wasted on an irrational, grieving pregnant lady. I can't tell you how much ice water and apple juice I drank, or how many prayers I offered up just to be able to feel another wiggle or kick. Pregnancy after loss is exhausting, emotional, scary, and refining. It took the little faith I had left (that of the mustard size seed variety), and all the hope I could work up. It was all I had wanted for years, and I am eternally grateful that I again had the opportunity.
On January 27, 2013, I was able to give birth to a perfect blonde haired, blue eyed baby girl. I could gush for days about her, that moment, how she has helped me to heal, and the mother I am now... (big loving sigh)... but for now...
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