Written by Brianna:
Since yesterday was our sweet Demree’s fourth birthday, I
thought it was a good time to share her birth story. At times it feels like a life time ago, and
then there are days like today where it feels fresh and new. We love you Demree, and can’t help but wonder
who you’d be today.
Originally Written TUESDAY, DECEMBER 7, 2010
Our Loss, Our Angel...
From the beginning...
On Wednesday, December 1st, I woke up feeling agitated. I felt over whelmed, annoyed, and I know even my girls sensed it. I attributed this to the stress of our upcoming move (more on this another time), and all that I needed to get done in the next two weeks. I knew I had an appointment with my OB later on, but I was nervous to go. Considering I was just over eighteen weeks along, I thought I should be feeling my baby move more. I had flutters, and bumps every now and then, but nothing consistent. I expressed my concerns to both Nate and Kath, but I knew Nate had a busy day at work, and Kath was watching my girls, so I went to my appointment alone, as I had done before.
After waiting for almost an hour for Julia (my OB), because she was behind from a delivery, I finally got into the room for my ultrasound. Before we started I explained to her my concern over my baby's lack of noticeable movement. She said it could be that the placenta is in front, and that she would take a look for sure. Usually when she starts my ultrasounds she cuts straight to the sound of the heartbeat. This time she did not. Instead she was concentrating on taking several measurements. She asked again if I had felt the baby move at all, to which I replied yes, just not a lot, and not recently. She then told me she wasn't finding a heartbeat. At this moment I felt the blood rush from my face. She waited a second longer to see if it would "start back up", but nothing. She then checked the cord, and informed me there was no blood flow. The baby was measuring 18 weeks gestation, so what ever happened she believed it to be recent. Tears ran down my face as she explained what we needed to do next. I remember her telling me this was not my fault, that we would know more after I delivered the baby and the placenta, and yes, I was too far along for a D&C and I would need to deliver the baby. I was also told this would take 18-24 hours because my body was far from ready to deliver. I then asked her to look one more time at the ultrasound to see what we were having, since we had chose not to find out. She agreed, and looked at the best angle she could and said she was pretty sure it was a girl. Julia then left me to myself with instructions to talk with my husband to see when I wanted to go to the hospital to deliver our stillborn baby... our daughter.
Through massive tears I called Nate and my mom from the room at the doctors office. Nate agreed to come get me, and apologized for not being with me. Kath made arrangements for my girls to be taken care of for the night. When I left the doctors office I told Julia's MA that we wanted to get started as soon as possible. She said she would call with a time after she talked to Julia. I then left the building, and sobbed in my car. Looking back it is hard to believe this was a real moment in my life, and not a dream or a hoax I had worked up in my head.
Nate's dad drove Nate to me, and we hugged in the parking lot. I then asked to be taken to my mom's to see my girls... I needed their loves. By this point the doctor's office had called me back to tell me to be at the hospital at 7:00pm. This gave me hours to wait, cry, hug my babies, cry, cry some more and receive a wonderful priesthood blessing from my husband and his dad. This gave Nate time to gather my things, call and tell a few people, and hug our babies... he takes such good care of me.
Next Nate, me, and Kath headed to the hospital as instructed. At 8:30pm they then started me on my first dose of what would be several doses of Cytotec . This drug is what they use to thin and dilate your cervix. I then proceeded to spend the next 27 hours waiting, cramping, crying, being "checked", being freezing with fever chills, being hot when the fevers broke, and in the end just being finished... physically, mentally, and emotionally finished.
Around hour 26, Julia came to check me, and see what we could do to get this moving. When she did I was finally dilated to a one, and she decided it would be best to break my water. I had mixed feelings about this because I had heard babies in such a fragile state held up better if they delivered in their water sack, but at this point we really needed things to progress since I was past the 24 hour mark. Immediately after she did this the "real" contractions started frequent and hard. I had thought about doing this naturally, but Julia suggested an epidural in case my placenta wouldn't separate and she had to go "fetch it". If this ended up being the situation and I had an epidural she would do so in the room, if not she would have to take me to surgery. This would mean precious minutes or more that I would not get to spend with my baby, and that was not an option.
On December 2nd, 2010, right around 11:53pm I delivered our celestial angel, Demree Ray, with no pushing or pain. None of us were quite prepared for the unannounced way she came into this world. Due to the epidural I had no feeling and I was exhausted, so we didn't even know for at least twenty minutes that she had made her entrance. At first this was very difficult for me, but I decided not to waste precious time dwelling on guilt and circumstances we couldn't control. We also were unprepared for how tiny she was, and the strong rush of emotion for all of us that her arrival brought. We knew she would be small, but she was SO small... 7.5 ounces and 7.5 inches long.
On Wednesday, December 1st, I woke up feeling agitated. I felt over whelmed, annoyed, and I know even my girls sensed it. I attributed this to the stress of our upcoming move (more on this another time), and all that I needed to get done in the next two weeks. I knew I had an appointment with my OB later on, but I was nervous to go. Considering I was just over eighteen weeks along, I thought I should be feeling my baby move more. I had flutters, and bumps every now and then, but nothing consistent. I expressed my concerns to both Nate and Kath, but I knew Nate had a busy day at work, and Kath was watching my girls, so I went to my appointment alone, as I had done before.
After waiting for almost an hour for Julia (my OB), because she was behind from a delivery, I finally got into the room for my ultrasound. Before we started I explained to her my concern over my baby's lack of noticeable movement. She said it could be that the placenta is in front, and that she would take a look for sure. Usually when she starts my ultrasounds she cuts straight to the sound of the heartbeat. This time she did not. Instead she was concentrating on taking several measurements. She asked again if I had felt the baby move at all, to which I replied yes, just not a lot, and not recently. She then told me she wasn't finding a heartbeat. At this moment I felt the blood rush from my face. She waited a second longer to see if it would "start back up", but nothing. She then checked the cord, and informed me there was no blood flow. The baby was measuring 18 weeks gestation, so what ever happened she believed it to be recent. Tears ran down my face as she explained what we needed to do next. I remember her telling me this was not my fault, that we would know more after I delivered the baby and the placenta, and yes, I was too far along for a D&C and I would need to deliver the baby. I was also told this would take 18-24 hours because my body was far from ready to deliver. I then asked her to look one more time at the ultrasound to see what we were having, since we had chose not to find out. She agreed, and looked at the best angle she could and said she was pretty sure it was a girl. Julia then left me to myself with instructions to talk with my husband to see when I wanted to go to the hospital to deliver our stillborn baby... our daughter.
Through massive tears I called Nate and my mom from the room at the doctors office. Nate agreed to come get me, and apologized for not being with me. Kath made arrangements for my girls to be taken care of for the night. When I left the doctors office I told Julia's MA that we wanted to get started as soon as possible. She said she would call with a time after she talked to Julia. I then left the building, and sobbed in my car. Looking back it is hard to believe this was a real moment in my life, and not a dream or a hoax I had worked up in my head.
Nate's dad drove Nate to me, and we hugged in the parking lot. I then asked to be taken to my mom's to see my girls... I needed their loves. By this point the doctor's office had called me back to tell me to be at the hospital at 7:00pm. This gave me hours to wait, cry, hug my babies, cry, cry some more and receive a wonderful priesthood blessing from my husband and his dad. This gave Nate time to gather my things, call and tell a few people, and hug our babies... he takes such good care of me.
Next Nate, me, and Kath headed to the hospital as instructed. At 8:30pm they then started me on my first dose of what would be several doses of Cytotec . This drug is what they use to thin and dilate your cervix. I then proceeded to spend the next 27 hours waiting, cramping, crying, being "checked", being freezing with fever chills, being hot when the fevers broke, and in the end just being finished... physically, mentally, and emotionally finished.
Around hour 26, Julia came to check me, and see what we could do to get this moving. When she did I was finally dilated to a one, and she decided it would be best to break my water. I had mixed feelings about this because I had heard babies in such a fragile state held up better if they delivered in their water sack, but at this point we really needed things to progress since I was past the 24 hour mark. Immediately after she did this the "real" contractions started frequent and hard. I had thought about doing this naturally, but Julia suggested an epidural in case my placenta wouldn't separate and she had to go "fetch it". If this ended up being the situation and I had an epidural she would do so in the room, if not she would have to take me to surgery. This would mean precious minutes or more that I would not get to spend with my baby, and that was not an option.
On December 2nd, 2010, right around 11:53pm I delivered our celestial angel, Demree Ray, with no pushing or pain. None of us were quite prepared for the unannounced way she came into this world. Due to the epidural I had no feeling and I was exhausted, so we didn't even know for at least twenty minutes that she had made her entrance. At first this was very difficult for me, but I decided not to waste precious time dwelling on guilt and circumstances we couldn't control. We also were unprepared for how tiny she was, and the strong rush of emotion for all of us that her arrival brought. We knew she would be small, but she was SO small... 7.5 ounces and 7.5 inches long.
She may have been tiny, but she was perfect with all her tiny little features... ten tiny toes, ten tiny fingers, all with tiny nails. She had J's nose, a tiny pink tongue, and she came out with her hands crossed in her lap... such a lady. She looked peaceful. When Julia got there she informed us that Demree had suffered a "cord accident". The cord was wrapped around her neck three times, her neck was constricted and bruised, and her head was slightly swollen. There was nothing we could have done to save her and sometimes this is helpful to know, but at other times for a control freak like me it just feel helpless.
We all took our turns holding her before Nate's dad arrived to help him give her a blessing. Nate gave our baby daughter the most beautiful, inspired blessing I have ever heard. I then just held her on my belly, trying to take her all in, and make a lifetime of mental memories since I knew our time together would be brief. Share (a non-profit group to help mothers with pregnancy and infant loss) arrived around 3:00am to take molds of her hands and feet, and a professional photographer took pictures of her for us as well. These women have all suffered the loss of a child, and they were definitely angels in human form. The level of compassion they showed to us as complete strangers was the most Christ like act of service I think I have ever witnessed. I only hope to eventually be able to pay their love forward.
After Share left we knew it was time to call the mortuary. As much as I would have loved to stay in that room with her forever, her little body was deteriorating by the minute. It was time to send her to a safe place until we could bury her in her final resting place. Saying goodbye before they took her away was incredibly difficult. We said a prayer with her, Nate, me, and Kath all took turns kissing her goodbye, and we sent her on her way. Oh how my heart and empty arms ached. The nurses let me leave about thirty minutes after Demree did. I needed to get out of there. Leaving the maternity ward at 5:00am empty handed was so hard, but I had an amazing support system with me.
Nate has been so wonderful. He holds me, cries with me, and just is there with me. I love him more now than I ever have before, which is amazing to me since I didn't know that was possible. My mom, "my Kath", is as always our selfless supporter. I don't know what I would have done without her there. We feel so very loved by so many friends and family members. The texts, emails, phone calls, and Facebook posts of loving thoughts and offers to help have been endless. Our sincerest thanks to you all.
Today, December 7th, 2010, we had to do something I hoped we would never have to do... we had to bury our child. Nate and I went to the mortuary just the two of us before the graveside service to say our goodbyes to Demree and "tuck her in". She looked so perfect in her little white dress, hat, and booties that Nana had made. We both held her again, left letters from each of us in her casket, took pictures with her in her casket, made sure her clothes were not bunchy and booties were in tact, and all together just took the time to take in her peaceful presence. We then said our final goodbyes, and drove to the cemetery.
We chose to have Demree buried in the "Baby Land" portion of the cemetery. It brings us great comfort to know that she is surrounded by other perfect, little beings as herself. Nate's dad said some beautiful, comforting words, and then Nate dedicated her grave. M and J, looking so beautiful in their Christmas dresses, then released balloons into the sky as a gift to our "Baby Demree". After they let the balloons go, they quickly ran through the cemetery to get a better look as they drifted off to heaven. It was a beautiful moment of child like innocence that I never want to forget. It was all very fitting, and we felt very loved and supported by our family members.
So now we go back to "normal life", and trying to define what that is for us now. There is a void in our family that will not be able to be filled in this life, and that is our reality that we have to learn to live with. We are honored that the Lord would feel we are strong enough for such a trial, and that Demree chose us as parents. We love you Demree Ray, and will miss you dearly. We know you are in good hands with our Heavenly Father and our Savior, and we know we will see you again. For the time being, have fun playing with Carter and Addelyn. :)
