Thursday, February 19, 2015

Lyla's Story - Part 2

Written by Alli


"S" was set to be released from the hospital on Saturday afternoon.  She asked her friend to come get her and take her home.  Unfortunately, her friend was unable to do so.  I offered and was more than happy to be the one to take her home.  She was ready to go around 5:00.  We had spent all afternoon together with Lyla, and she had been able to spend some time alone with her.  There was such a feeling of emptiness watching her place Lyla in the hospital bassinet, getting into the wheelchair and leaving the hospital.  There were many tears shed and lots of hugs.  It was so different from when Carter's birth mom left the hospital.  After she left, we were able to break down and cry for quite awhile, but since I was "S"'s support system, I had to stay strong for her.  She needed her medication, so we went and got that and then I took her home where I stayed with her for over an hour waiting for her friend to come get her and take her home with her.  I really enjoyed that time.  We got to talk uninterrupted and "S" opened up about things that had happened in her life.  I am so thankful for our open adoption and to be able to call her not only my friend, but also family.
My absolute favorite picture of "S" and Lyla.  Truly captures her love for her baby.
Lyla had to stay one more day in the hospital, so Sunday was a fun day filled with family and friends.  We loved being able to show her off and reality was starting to set in that we might actually be able to call this little girl ours.  "J" was also able to spend a couple hours with Lyla and we loved being able to spend that time with him.  The time from "S" leaving the hospital until Monday morning was the longest and hardest time.  So many negative thoughts and so much fear started to set in.  We hoped for the best, but for those 24 hours, Lyla still wasn't ours.  She was in our home, and we were taking care of her, but she was not ours.  "S" had a rough night that night and was getting some negative feedback from family members about the adoption.  I sent an encouraging text letting her know how many prayers were being said on her behalf and we texted much of the night.  She was so strong and told me she was so glad she found us and that she knew the adoption was meant to be.  It never ceases to amaze me how strong these women we call birth mothers are.

Our first "unofficial" night as a family of four
The next morning was awful.  There is no other way to describe it.  I was going to the courthouse to meet "J' and "S" and support them while they signed papers.  I took one last picture of me and Lyla in case it was the last time I got to be her mom.  I just didn't have peace and I was filled with confusion.  Both "J" and "S" had been wonderful the past 3 days, but the situation was still so tense and filled with uncertainty.  I loved these two wonderful birth parents and I prayed they would do what was best for Lyla, whatever that may be.
It was a quiet 30 minute drive to the courthouse.  Paul dropped me off and went to drive around with Carter and Lyla.  I walked into the courthouse and there they were.  "J" and "S", were sitting on a bench with our attorney between them, going over the paperwork.  They both had tears in their eyes and they looked very somber.  I interrupted the attorney so I could hug them both.  I was crying and couldn't hug them tight enough.  Then the courtroom doors opened and they were ushered inside.  My attorney asked me to stay out in the hall, so I sat on a bench where I was trying not to cry.  Thankfully, "S"'s caseworker was with her and was updating me throughout the process.  When she sent me the text that said, "They signed.  Lyla is yours forever", I couldn't hold back the tears.  It was so hard to breathe and I honestly couldn't believe that little girl was ours.  I was crying for the heartache that "J' and "S" were going through and praying fervently that they would have peace in their hearts.  When they came out, there was more hugging and crying.  I wanted to make sure they knew this wasn't goodbye.  Lyla would know them.  She would know their love for them always and they would be a part of her life.
"J' followed me to our car so he could see Lyla and we told "S" we'd meet up with her in an hour.  We were in Idaho for a couple more days and were able to see "J" and "S" a couple more times.  I love open adoption.  I love that "J" and "S" are able to not only know Lyla through pictures, but through spending time with her.  I love that Lyla has this huge support system that isn't just made up of mine and Paul's families.  She has "J' and "S"'s families as well.  With all the heartache and difficulty that came with Lyla's adoption, we feel so blessed to have her as part of our family and to have "J" and "S" as part of our family too.  The Lord is in control.  He knows what we need.  He loves us and He answers our prayers.......in His timing, not ours.  We couldn't be happier to be a family of four!


Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Lyla's Story Part 1

I figured it was time to finally tell Lyla's story.  "S" thought for sure she would deliver early, and we even had a false alarm, but she still didn't come.  Although she wasn't due until December 9th or 10th or somewhere around there (I can't remember!), the doctor decided to induce her the day after Thanksgiving.  This worked out well for us since we would be in Idaho already to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family.

"S" was supposed to be induced at 6:00 a.m. Friday morning.  Paul and I were up bright and early and nervous as could be, but we kept getting texts from "S" that the induction was being pushed back.  She was finally told to go up around 10:00 a.m. She asked us not to come until they actually induced her, so there was more waiting.  We got the call at 12:30 that she had been started and had her epidural.  We were eating lunch so we finished lunch, kissed Carter good bye and made the 30 minute drive to the hospital.  We got there at 1:38.  The nurse was in there and I asked how "S" looked.  She said, "Everything looks good and we'll check here again around 3:00".
Just a few minutes later, the nurse said she was going to go ahead and check her now and could we step out in the hall.  Paul and I went out in the hall and another couple of minutes later the nurse came running out and said "S" was at a 9!  Things started happening really fast after that.  Paul stayed in the hall and I went inside to be with "S".  I stood on the left side of her and the doctor told her to push.  I helped hold her leg and just 3 short pushes later, our little girl was born at 2:02 p.m.  Just 24 short minutes after we arrived. I was the lucky one who got to cut the cord and then they layed her on "S" and let her hold her before they whisked her off to be cleaned.  That moment, where two mothers are joined as one, is a moment that is indescribable.

I was torn between wanting to hold "S"'s hand and wanting to make sure the baby was ok.  Her caseworker was there (she's a little bossy :)) and told me to go be with the baby.  I went over and held her little hand while the hospital staff did what they did.  She was perfect and she was beautiful.  I was trying really hard to hold back my emotions and not get attached, but it was very difficult.  It was such an amazing experience to be there with "S" as she delivered that sweet little girl and it was definitely impossible not to get attached.  Because of the situation, Paul and I were still very unsure if we would be coming home with that little girl and because of it, we were trying to shield our hearts.

We spent some time visiting with "S" and then the birth dad, "J" came up and spent some time with the baby as well.  Everyone kept asking us for a name, but we hadn't decided on one yet.  "S" didn't have a great support system, so there was really only Paul and I and her caseworker at the hospital.  We spent almost every moment together in the hospital.

"S" had a friend with her that first evening, so we told her we were going to grab dinner and she could spend some alone time with the baby.  She would never ask us for that time, so we tried to do what we thought was right and anticipate what she might need.
Paul and I went to grab dinner and we tried to agree on a name, but it was much harder than I thought.  I was so tired and emotionally drained and we finally got to the root of why we couldn't choose a name.  We were both so scared that we wouldn't be bringing this little girl home, that we didn't want to name her.  Naming her would be the final attachment to her that we weren't ready to give in to yet.  We just couldn't do it.  We decided to sleep on it and discuss it in the morning.   Paul went home to stay with Carter and I spent the first night in the hospital with the baby alone.

When I woke up, I went to see "S" right away so she could spend as much time with the baby as she could.  We decided to dress her in some cute clothes that weren't hospital issued and we discussed the name.

I told her I loved the name Lyla and "S" said, "Well, then that needs to be her name".  Paul called just a short time later and said that he was on his way and he knew what the baby's name needed to be and he would reveal it when he got there.  "S" and I were dying to find out what name he had chosen.  Once he got there, I was expecting a big reveal, but he didn't really have anything planned, so he wrote each letter on a piece of paper and we all picked the letters out of a hat.  Once it was spelled out, Paul had also chosen Lyla as the name.  It seemed like it was meant to be, so Lyla became her name.  Even though we thought naming her was hard, the next two days were about to become the hardest two days yet.