The DO's

Written by Brianna

I have been asked many times "what can I do?" in reference to someone losing a baby.  I have a small running list of some general things that I found helpful myself, or that I have seen helpful for someone else.  First I feel like I need to share some back story on my support team.  After losing my babies I know now more than ever that certain people are put into our lives for a reason. :)

Losing my first baby, Demree, was my first personal experience with loss, but it wasn't my first encounter.  My first encounter came before I was a mother myself.  Ally, my best friend from childhood, lost her first baby, Carter, four short days before his due date.  Oh how I ached for my friend, who was the closest thing I had to a sister, and her loving husband.  Also, this was my first time being the helpless friend.  I realize my sadness and helplessness didn't compare to her's, not even close, but I wanted so badly to do something.  I wanted to ease her burden, I wanted her to know how much I loved her, and I didn't have a clue how to go about it.

My second encounter came after my second baby J was six months old.  My friend Beth, whom I met through church and pregnancy water aerobics, had just received word that her third baby, her first daughter, no longer had a heartbeat at twenty-one weeks.  Beth and I were friends, but more like surface level friends.  We didn't talk one on one much, but still socialized with each other often.  After she lost Addelyn, I just felt the need for her not to be alone.  I am sure I overstepped a time or two, but I wanted her to realize that I wanted to be there for her.  Addy helped mine and Beth's relationship grow into what it is.  I can't wait until the day I can meet her in person, and thank her for helping me realize my best friend.

Both of my two friends' losses unfortunately were my gain.  Due to their painfully gained knowledge, when I lost my babies I had an AMAZING support system (which only started with them... we were loved by many).  The acts of service they each did for me are almost too sacred to share.  I now only wish I were able to do for them what they were able to do for me.  So now I just try to pay it forward when I can.  Not everyone is as lucky as I was, and please don't ever be discouraged if you are not able to be this kind of friend for someone who is grieving.  Sometimes it won't even be a possibility.  It's a very private and vulnerable thing to experience, and no two people handle it the same.  But there are plenty of things to do that may seem insignificant at the time, but end up meaning a lot as someone looks back on them.

The DO's

::  Do get them a little gift if you feel so inclined.  My best gifts were books ('Gone Too Soon', 'For They Shall be Comforted', and 'Tear Soup' were my favorites), jewelry, Christmas ornaments, and basically anything that acknowledges they actually really lost someone.

::  Do send notes, cards, emails, and text/instant messages.  In my opinion, best form of communication in times of sorrow.

::  Do "the little things" that lighten their load.  Neighbors mowing our lawn, taking our children to school, filling in on our church responsibilities, and any small acts of service that can be done without asking are the best kind.

::  Do try to coordinate through the husband.  It's just better, trust me.

::  Do try to offer up some kind of monetary donation to the family.  This usually only applies to the immediate family, but not always.  Just remember this family is now faced with unexpected expenses when it comes to funeral costs, and preemptive medical bills.

::  Do acknowledge mom and the family when they attempt to insert themselves back into social situations (i.e, work, church, social gatherings).

::  Do make the arrangements when trying to help.  Such as "I will bring dinner on this day at this time", or "I will be by to pick up your kids to play on this day at this time".  This may seem silly, but I felt so scattered at the time that just trying to make arrangements for my kids made me want to go get back in bed.

::  Do let them talk about their baby and/or their experience if they want to.

::  Do know that as much as you don't want them to be uncomfortable, they are that much more concerned with you being uncomfortable.  This was very much the case right after my losses (especially my second, I was like a circus freak ;), but still holds true now.  I spend a lot of time trying to ease other people's awkwardness with MY situation. (This one may be less general, and more my perception.  Thought I would include it anyway.)

:: Do pray for them. :')  I promise we could feel the strength from everyone's humble prayers in our behalf.

::  Do say "I am so sorry", and most of the time leave it at that.

I remember when Beth told me that she now really knows what the phrase "it's the thought that counts" means, and I completely agree.  When you are broken inside it really is nice to feel thought of. :)