The DON'Ts

Written by Brianna

Last time I posted I talked about the DO's when trying to help someone who has recently lost a baby.  Well I have found that with every "do" there usually is a DON'T to go with it.  So here goes my general list of things NOT to do.

The DON'Ts

::  Don't stop by in the middle of the day unannounced to a mom who has recently lost a baby.  If you want to drop something by, then just leave it at the door and go.  Better yet wait until you know someone else will be home so you can leave it with them.

::  Don't expect mom to pick up the phone.  I found talking on the phone to be excruciating... I cried worse over the phone than I did in person.  To this day I still screen my calls pretty heavily... kind of my own form of PTSD.

::  Don't compare your situation (your hardships and trials) with their's.  Even after losing babies I try (I am sure I am not perfect at this) not to compare.  Everyone's situation is different even if they have similarities.  As time goes on there will be time to relate to one another, but let them take the lead on that.

::  Don't disappear.  Even if this loved one does not allow you to be there for them as much as you would like to be, that is not an invitation to withdraw.  The vulnerability felt leaves you feeling raw and exposed, and few people want to display that to others... even those they are closest to.  Just try to remember this is not about you.  If more people remembered that, (sigh) grieving would be so much easier... well maybe not easier, but better.

::  Don't decide when they should be "all better" or "over it".  There is no time line on grief.  I talked more about that here on the first post I wrote.  This brings me to my next don't...

::  Don't expect them to be the same person they were before.  I feel now that I am closer to the person I used to be, time has helped with that.  But not the same and I probably never will be.  I can even look at pictures and identify the "before" me and the "after" me.  But really that's okay.  I am good with that.

::  Don't say "well at least you don't have to lose as much weight (since you had the baby early)".  I would have been the size of a bus for the rest of my life if it meant a healthy baby.  And on top of that I remember being really sad watching my swollen belly go down.  The physical changes to your body after loss are apparent enough, and sharp little reminders all on their own.

::  Don't say... oh there are just so many... "your baby is in a better place now", "God needed another angel", "your baby was just too perfect for this earth", etc., etc., etc.  While these statements may be true to a person of faith, they don't always make you feel better when the pain is so new and all you want is to have your baby here with you.  These also make a huge assumption that you know this family's belief system.  Honestly the best thing to say is, "I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS."  And that is enough.

::  Don't say "well at least you can get pregnant again".  This statement makes SO many assumptions about the grieving mom.  Such as what they are emotionally, mentally, and physically capable of.  Also, it may just remind them of the real fear they have that they will never have another healthy, living baby in this life.  But most important it minimizes the importance of the life they just lost.  I didn't want to be pregnant again, I wanted to still be pregnant.  I wanted to get to know, love on, and watch grow the baby I had held in my arms.  Granted the time for subsequent pregnancies does come (for some), but they should not be treated as a consolation prize.


Now I realize this is not all the DON'Ts out there.  How can it be?  Every situation is different.  Because of this I invite anyone who has a "DON'T" they have found to be particularly hurtful to please share it in the comments.  I have found for the most part people mean well, and they don't want to hurt feelings or make things more difficult.... they just don't know any better.  Educated people are always more empathetic. :)

Last but not least, a picture of my sweet Demree's tiny feet...