Behind Closed Doors

Written by Rachel (see other posts labeled 'Rachel')

When we got home from the hospital after losing our twins, things were different.  I was changed.  But I knew that at that moment, I needed to make a resolution of how I was going to handle myself.  Should I withdraw and keep to myself?  Should I put a smile on my face (whether it was fake or not) and just try my best to continue as before?  Obviously things weren't as they were before, and everyone handles grief in their own way, but my husband and I decided that, for us, the best thing to do was to move forward as best we could.

Friends and family continued to show us amazing love and support.  We received meals, notes were written, people babysat our little girl, gifts were given to us to help us remember our sweet little boys, and people provided a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on.    For the first week or so after being home, I was still in a state of shock.  I still wasn't completely convinced that it all had happened the way it did, that my boys were really gone.  Also, having a sweet, energetic little toddler helped force us to keep up our daily routines out of necessity.   I kind of felt like I was just going through the motions each day, numbly doing all the things that still needed doing.  But, at least I was doing something.

We still had this girlie to keep us busy and happy

The day after we returned from the hospital, Matt even called our good friend (Alli’s husband) to see if he could come help work in the basement, a project they had been working on for a while.  I think they were surprised that we would jump right back into doing that sort of thing so soon after losing our boys, but our feelings were that if we weren't keeping busy, we would be wallowing in our own sadness.  We liked having distractions.  I know that many people are the complete opposite, and that’s OK.  Grief is a very personal thing and even we didn't know that was where ours would take us, but it did, and it seemed to help and worked for us.  I feel the need to point out that just because we kept active and social, it did not mean that we weren't devastated over losing the twins.  They were in our minds 100% of the time.  We were not being insensitive to our own situation.  We moved, we just moved slower.  We laughed, we just laughed more quietly.   We managed to find joy in our hearts, but the joy did not replace the void that our loss had created.  It simply softened the sharp edges of our pain that would often and unexpectedly sting.

^^Checking out the basement a few days after the twins were born^^

^^Out to see Christmas lights the week after the twins were born^^

It was in the moments everything was still, or the times I was home alone, while my little girl slept peacefully in the other room, that I felt it…those are the times I would break down.  I would hold the clothes Maddox and Sampson wore in the hospital up to my face, wetting them with my tears, as I remembered how they smelled, how they felt.  I never did wash those clothes.  I didn't want to wash away the sweet smell.  It has now faded, but I still remember it whenever I pull those clothes out.  After everyone would fall asleep at night, I would lay in bed wide awake, and I would start sobbing.  Like I mentioned before, I have never been a huge crier.  But I would cry for hours at a time at night.  That is when the pain felt real to me.  My pillow would be drenched before I would finally cry myself to sleep.  I don’t even think my husband knew that I did that every night for a while.  I felt the agony of loss the most behind closed doors, where no one could see or hear me.  Behind those closed doors is where I poured my heart out in prayer, not asking why this happened, because I tried to have the faith to know that I will find that out one day, but instead asking for the strength and comfort I needed to endure this trial in my life.  Asking for the courage I needed to still be an attentive and present mom to my little girl, who was still too young, thankfully, to understand what had happened.

Over the next few months, and even the next few days after I delivered Maddox and Sampson, we had family gatherings, holidays, and church and work responsibilities (although many helping hands stepped in to lift many of those responsibilities off our heavily-burdened shoulders).  Whenever we'd respond to people that we'd attend something, they would always ask, "Are you sure??"  But life did not wait for us to find our bearings.  We couldn't push a pause button to make the world around us stop.  We couldn't postpone Thanksgiving until later…it just came.  We couldn't wave our magical wand and make the bills and insurance issues disappear, as much as we would have LOVED to have done that.  It didn't matter that all this money was going toward a hospital visit I felt I had nothing to show for.  I still needed to pay the bills.  If we stopped living, it wouldn't bring back the lives of our boys.  It’s just not how things work.  That’s how life is supposed to be.  We are here to be tested and grow.  We are all inevitably going to face trials in our lives, and when they do come, we will still have to continue on our journey.  We will have to endure.

I am a firm believer that our attitude plays a major part in how we endure these trials.  I love this quote by the prophet of our church, Thomas S. Monson.  He said, “So much in life depends on our attitude. The way we choose to see things and respond to others makes all the difference. To do the best we can and then to choose to be happy about our circumstances, whatever they may be, can bring peace and contentment.”  I also love the message another of our church leaders, Joseph B. Wirthlin, gave back in 2008 (wow, I’m getting old, because it feels like he gave this message just yesterday).  I won’t repeat the whole thing (go check it out here because it is good!), but in it, he said, “If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness.”

I definitely fall short…a lot…and I do sometimes get sucked into negative thinking and I wish things were different, but I've learned that thinking that way hasn't gotten me anywhere.  Things aren't different.  Things are as they are, and they happened for a reason.  But the times I have focused on the blessings that I do have are the times when I have felt the most growth, peace, and happiness.  I still love my boys and miss them everyday.  But I do have one amazing little girl here with me that is the light of my life and a hubby that keeps us both entertained.  And I truly am one lucky girl.