Decoding the Infertility Language

Fertility message boards and online support groups can be a huge help when you're coping with infertility. I know when I started going through this, if I ever had a quick question or I was stressing about test results I found myself turning to the Internet for some instant help or reassurance. It seemed like usually I could post a question and get a pretty immediate answer from someone who had gone through something similar that could give me some personal insight.

One thing that I noticed when I started visiting different message boards is that fertility forums have a terminology that is all their own. You're likely to see writing similar to this:

"Its been a long 2WW after this FET and unfortunately AF made her appearance. We didn't get the BFP that we were hoping for. DH and I are heartbroken."

Say what??? It can be very confusing to follow along. The good news is you'll likely learn these abbreviations quickly and learn to appreciate them as they'll save you typing time :) Here's a quick little guide to some of the commonly-used abbreviations and acronyms that you may see or want to use yourself:


2WW: two-week wait; the time between ovulation and period

• AF: Aunt Flo (menstruation)
• AH, AZH: Assisted Hatching
• ART: Assisted Reproductive Technology
• BA: Baby Aspirin
• BBT: Basal Body Temperature
• BCP: Birth Control Pills
• BD: Baby Dance (sex)
• BFN: Big fat negative on a pregnancy test
• BFP: Big fat positive on a pregnancy test
• C#: Cycle Number
• CB: Cycle Buddy
• D&C: Dilation & Curettage
• DE: Donor Eggs
• DH: Dear Husband, Darling Husband or Damn Husband (depending on your mood)
• DI: Donor Insemination
• DOR: Diminished Ovarian Reserve
• DP3DT: Days Post 3-Day Transfer
• DPIUI: Days past IUI
• DPO: Days past ovulation
• DPR: Days Post-Retrieval
• DPT: Days Post-Transfer
• Dx: Diagnosis
• EDD: Estimated Due Date
• ENDO: Endometriosis
• EPT: Early Pregnancy Test
• ER: Egg Retrieval
• ET: Embryo Transfer
• FET: Frozen Embryo Transfer
• FF: Fertile Friend
• FM: Fertile Mucus or Fertility Monitor
• FSH: Follicle Stimulating Hormone
• FTTA: Fertile Thoughts To All
• FV: Fertile Vibes
• Fx: Fingers crossed
• hCG, HCG: Human Chorionic Gonadotropin
• HPT: Home Pregnancy Test
• ICSI: Intra-cytoplasmic Sperm Injection
• IF: Infertility
• IPS: Imaginary pregnancy symptoms
• IUI: Intra-uterine Insemination
• IVC: Intra-vaginal Culture
• IVF: In Vitro Fertilization
• LAP: Laparoscopy
• LMP: Last Menstrual Period (start date)
• LP: Luteal Phase
• LSP: Low Sperm Count
• MC, m/c, misc.: Miscarriage
• MF: Male Factor
• O, OV: Ovulation
• OC: Oral Contraceptives
• OPK: Ovulation Predictor Kit
• OPT: Ovulation Predictor Test
• P4: Progesterone
• PGD: Pre-implantation Genetic Diagnosis
• PI: Primary Infertility
• PIO: Progesterone in Oil
• PMS: Premenstrual Syndrome
• R-FSH, R-hFSH: Recombinant Human Follicle Stimulating Hormone
• RPL: Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
• SA: Semen Analysis
• SART: Society of Assisted Reproductive Technology
• SI: Secondary Infertility
• TET: Tubal Embryo Transfer
• TRH: Thyroid Releasing Hormone
• TSH: Thyroid Stimulating Hormone
• Tx: Treatment
• US, u/s: Ultrasound
• V: Vasectomy
• VR: Vasectomy Reversal
• WBC: White Blood Cells
• WNL: Within Normal Limits

Memorial Day

Written by Rachel

I thought I'd change up my post a little bit this time and fast forward to our beautiful Memorial Day yesterday.  I will get back to writing about the events and emotions that have brought me to the point where I am today, but for a quick breather, I wanted to share our fun family experience we had together yesterday.  It is nice to sometimes forget about yourself and reflect on the memories of people in our lives that have come and gone, each of them having impacted us in their own unique ways.

The weather could not have been more perfect.  Our little girlie slept in until 10 am, so naturally, so did I.  After we finally rolled out of bed and ate our breakfast at (cough) lunchtime (cough), we packed up a picnic and headed out to a few cemeteries to visit some of our lost loved ones.  Here are some of the pictures we took on our little outing...

^^This girlie refused to take those sunglasses off all day, even in the store as she picked out the little stars and pinwheels for the graves.  It was pretty dang cute.^^

^^Don't be scared by the guy on the left.  That's my hubby.^^

^^In remembrance of our little Maddox and Sampson.^^

^^The cemetery our boys are buried in is beautiful!!^^

We were able to visit the graves of the twins and of a couple of our grandpas who have passed away, both of whom served their country (Matt's grandpa served in the US Navy in the Korean War and and mine served in the British Royal Air Force in WWII).  It was so peaceful in each of the cemeteries we visited.  I loved it.  Part of our car ride discussion consisted of whether or not we would feel comfortable living next to a cemetery...I said I would, but my husband said he definitely could not :)  For those of you who know him, I doubt you're surprised (let's just say when we watch scary movies, he is the one with the high-pitched scream, not me)!  But we had a great time there remembering our family members who are no longer with us.  I never thought I would be visiting the grave of my own children, but I guess no one ever does.  However, it was not a sad day for us.  It was a great opportunity for us to take time out of our busy schedules to reflect on the short time we did get to spend with Maddox and Sampson and to talk to our little girl more about them.  She loves talking to me about them and asking me questions, and it melts my little heart when she does.  It also meant the world to me when my sister-in-law texted me the other day asking where the twins' grave was so their family could take flowers to them...just reminded me even more that they really are not forgotten.

I also can't believe how fast this life flies by.  Yesterday served as a great reminder to me of how short this life really is and not to take it for granted, even though I often and easily get caught up in the little things that probably aren't really that important in the eternal scheme of things.  It seems like just yesterday I was getting bounced around on my Grandpa's knees, or that I was cradling my still little boys in my arms.  This life will be over in the blink of an eye, and I need to be WAY better at making every day count and being happy with however my life is turning out, whatever the circumstances.  

Lastly, it was amazing to see all the military markers in each of the cemeteries.  We really are so blessed to have the freedoms we enjoy, and it was humbling to see how many people have sacrificed their lives to make that possible.

I hope you were all able to remember your lost loved ones, or remember those who have lost loved ones, over the holiday, and that you were able to celebrate their lives or the impact they have had on your life.  I was especially mindful of all those who have lost their sweet babies, now that I have joined those ranks.  I hope you were reminded about how special those babies still are.  Because, like the picture in Brianna's last post said, there is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world.

The DON'Ts

Written by Brianna

Last time I posted I talked about the DO's when trying to help someone who has recently lost a baby.  Well I have found that with every "do" there usually is a DON'T to go with it.  So here goes my general list of things NOT to do.

The DON'Ts

::  Don't stop by in the middle of the day unannounced to a mom who has recently lost a baby.  If you want to drop something by, then just leave it at the door and go.  Better yet wait until you know someone else will be home so you can leave it with them.

::  Don't expect mom to pick up the phone.  I found talking on the phone to be excruciating... I cried worse over the phone than I did in person.  To this day I still screen my calls pretty heavily... kind of my own form of PTSD.

::  Don't compare your situation (your hardships and trials) with their's.  Even after losing babies I try (I am sure I am not perfect at this) not to compare.  Everyone's situation is different even if they have similarities.  As time goes on there will be time to relate to one another, but let them take the lead on that.

::  Don't disappear.  Even if this loved one does not allow you to be there for them as much as you would like to be, that is not an invitation to withdraw.  The vulnerability felt leaves you feeling raw and exposed, and few people want to display that to others... even those they are closest to.  Just try to remember this is not about you.  If more people remembered that, (sigh) grieving would be so much easier... well maybe not easier, but better.

::  Don't decide when they should be "all better" or "over it".  There is no time line on grief.  I talked more about that here on the first post I wrote.  This brings me to my next don't...

::  Don't expect them to be the same person they were before.  I feel now that I am closer to the person I used to be, time has helped with that.  But not the same and I probably never will be.  I can even look at pictures and identify the "before" me and the "after" me.  But really that's okay.  I am good with that.

::  Don't say "well at least you don't have to lose as much weight (since you had the baby early)".  I would have been the size of a bus for the rest of my life if it meant a healthy baby.  And on top of that I remember being really sad watching my swollen belly go down.  The physical changes to your body after loss are apparent enough, and sharp little reminders all on their own.

::  Don't say... oh there are just so many... "your baby is in a better place now", "God needed another angel", "your baby was just too perfect for this earth", etc., etc., etc.  While these statements may be true to a person of faith, they don't always make you feel better when the pain is so new and all you want is to have your baby here with you.  These also make a huge assumption that you know this family's belief system.  Honestly the best thing to say is, "I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS."  And that is enough.

::  Don't say "well at least you can get pregnant again".  This statement makes SO many assumptions about the grieving mom.  Such as what they are emotionally, mentally, and physically capable of.  Also, it may just remind them of the real fear they have that they will never have another healthy, living baby in this life.  But most important it minimizes the importance of the life they just lost.  I didn't want to be pregnant again, I wanted to still be pregnant.  I wanted to get to know, love on, and watch grow the baby I had held in my arms.  Granted the time for subsequent pregnancies does come (for some), but they should not be treated as a consolation prize.


Now I realize this is not all the DON'Ts out there.  How can it be?  Every situation is different.  Because of this I invite anyone who has a "DON'T" they have found to be particularly hurtful to please share it in the comments.  I have found for the most part people mean well, and they don't want to hurt feelings or make things more difficult.... they just don't know any better.  Educated people are always more empathetic. :)

Last but not least, a picture of my sweet Demree's tiny feet...

Waiting

Written by Alli

I felt like the first part of my 30's (yep, I admit it, I'm getting old) was spent waiting....... waiting to get pregnant, waiting for test results, waiting for adoption approval, waiting to be chosen, waiting for the baby to be born, waiting for placement day, waiting to take Carter home, waiting for finalization day, and waiting for sealing day.  The adoption process is filled with waiting. For those in the adoption process, patience becomes more than a virtue, it becomes your life blood.

It helps while you're waiting to be chosen by an expectant parent to do everything you can to let others know you are hoping to adopt.  We made pass along cards and gave them to family and friends and  asked them to hand them out to everyone.  We left the cards with our credit card slip when we ate out.  We posted our blog on Facebook and asked for others to share it, which they did.  We put our profile on multiple adoption websites and were spotlighted on a few different adoption blogs.  When strangers asked if we had children, we told them we were hoping to adopt and to please think of us if they knew of any expectant parents who might be thinking of placing.  It was awkward and uncomfortable, but we knew we had to find our birth mom.  She was looking for us and we had to find her.  Doing all these things helped me feel like I was doing everything possible to find my baby.

Once you're chosen, the anxiety of waiting doesn't go away.  It just changes to a different type of anxiety.  While we were nervous that the expectant mom might decide to parent, the only thing we could do was move forward with faith and plan for our baby.  This part of the waiting was fun.  Planning, preparing, attending baby showers (so many baby showers!), decorating the nursery and buying baby stuff.  The time really did go by fast and we were lucky we had 20 weeks to prepare.  Getting ready for a baby is a lot of work!

The nursery

Waiting for placement day can be the most tiring, anxious time of your life.  Just remember, you not only love this baby, you love this expectant parent.  I knew that regardless of whether or not our birth mom chose to parent, she would still be a part of our lives.  She needed our love and understanding during the 72 hours we had until she could sign relinquishment papers.  Spend as much time with the expectant mom and the baby as she allows.  Call family and friends.  Take pictures and enjoy every minute you have with the expectant parents, baby and their family.

In our case, we had to wait for approval from Arizona and Utah to bring our baby across state lines.  This process took another 5 days.  It should have been much longer, but because we were proactive with our case, we were able to move the process along quickly.  Make sure you know the rules between states and double check with your case worker and attorney to make sure all paperwork has been filed.  We didn't have a federal background check completed and that almost cost us 2 more weeks in Arizona.  Thankfully, we both had Concealed Weapons Permits that were acceptable as federal background checks, so we didn't have to wait to do new ones.

In the state of Utah the child has to be in your home for 6 months before the adoption is final.  This waiting is the easy part.  You get to enjoy your new little baby, you're caught up in the joy of being a parent and the time flies by.  6 months passes before you know it!  Then you get to stand before the judge in another very emotional moment and proclaim your love for your child.  I know proclaim is a cheesy word, but it is the only word that seems right.

With the judge after Carter was officially declared ours

I'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, so for us what happened after the finalization was the most important part.  After finalization we were able to seal Carter to us.  Being dressed in white, kneeling across the altar from my husband in the temple of the Lord with Carter between us and being sealed together for all eternity is one of the greatest moments of my life.

With our Sealer at the Temple

I know that waiting can be hard.  I know it can make you insane.  Please know that you are not alone.  I've been though it, and countless other families have been through it.  You can do this!  You are stronger than you can imagine.  And at the other side of all the waiting is your perfect little baby.....and that baby is worth the wait.

Infertility, Pregnancy and Adoption

Terra Cooper is a mother to three beautiful kids, two biological and one adopted.  She is a writer/graphic designer for Adoption.com and an administrator for Open Adoption/Open Hearts group on Facebook.  In addition she started an online Facebook group for those in the adoption triad to share positive adoption stories and questions.  Lastly she is one of our friends.  Welcome, Terra!

My story of infertility, pregnancy and adoption has been years in the making.  Here is the short version.

   When I was 21, I was told by my doctor it would be very unlikely for me to have biological children.  If I was able to conceive, the chances of a premature birth or miscarriages would be very high.  It was devastating.  Two years later I became pregnant.  Unfortunately, at 11 weeks I miscarried.  We started to look into adoption and even started to get paperwork started to adopt a child from Haiti.  During that process I became pregnant again and delivered our first miracle son ten weeks early.  Three and a half years later we got our second miracle boy.  After ten weeks in labor/bedrest with him, my doctor advised against another pregnancy.  In my heart I knew she was right and that he would be the last child I would be able to carry.

Terra's 1st little boy

Terra's second little boy

   I knew that physically my body would not be able to carry a baby to viability and I knew emotionally I couldn't go through each day thinking I would kill my baby that day-that was harder than the physical pain.  I felt personally responsible for not being able to carry my children like other women are "supposed" to and knew if I did lose another baby because of how my anatomy was-something I couldn't control or fix, it would break me. 

    I tried to be ok with it.  I tried to feel like our family was complete, but I never felt at peace.  My husband started to feel the same way.  We both talked about adoption again and knew for certain this was the way we were supposed to complete our family.  I think because we had already tried once to start our family through adoption, it was such an easy option for us to come to terms with.  I know it wasn't that way the first time we considered adoption. 

   I feel impressed to write that if you know someone that  is struggling with infertility, please don't ever tell them, "Well you can just adopt."  Although you may mean well, it is not what you want to hear when you haven't fully grieved the loss of having a biological child.  Adoption is not easy, in any way, so "just adopt" makes it sound like it is an easy solution.  Even after an adoption, it doesn't solve the problems or feelings that come with infertility. 

   Having said all of that, I am so grateful for the opportunity we had to adopt our little girl four and a half years after our second son was born.  I completely feel with all of my being that she was supposed to come to our family through adoption.  I also feel like her birth mother was supposed to be part of our family as well and am so grateful to have her in our lives.  There is nothing easy about the adoption process, but having people who have gone through it to support you and know what you are going through helps out so much.  Adoption is bittersweet.  Adoption is a miracle.  Adoption is hard-but so beautiful too.

Terra's beautiful baby girl

Terra and her birth mom at placement

 I created a support group on Facebook for adoptive parents, birth parents and adoptees that focuses on keeping positive and being honest about our feelings.  It has been an amazing blessing to me and the people in it because we get to hear from all sides of the adoption triad and I feel like it helps us empathize with what the "other side" goes through.  There are many support groups out there for adoption and if you are part of the triad or are in the process of adoption/placing, I would recommend finding a group that can support you through the rough days, because there will be many.  There will be many days of joy and happiness as well and the miracle that adoption is, can't be denied.  I have two biological children and one adopted child-all three have come to our family by a miracle, there is no denying that.  I thank my Father every day for those three miracles in my life and still can't believe how lucky I am!!!  Wherever you are in your journey of creating your family, just remember to never give up and find people who will support and life you up!

IVF Cycle #1

Written by Heather

Lots of needles, lots of meds, lots of appointments. In Vitro is kind of a lot to take on! After meeting with Doctor C, my new infertility doctor, a few minor tests were performed to make sure everything was on track with me so we would have a perfect IVF cycle. Everything looked great so it was time for the fun to begin.

I was sent to meet with the IVF coordinator, where I was given a very strict schedule of shots that I would need to give myself, appointments to make sure everything continued on track, as well of dates to stop exercising along with various other little things. Very detailed.

 I was also taught how to administer a shot to myself- which terrified me. However, when you are giving yourself 4 shots a day, that's a fear you master pretty quickly.

For two and a half weeks I was driving an hour to my doctors office to have blood work done 3-4 times a week, giving myself shots, and taking meds to make it so my body would produce a truck load of eggs. The more the better :) In the end, my body produced 32 eggs. 32! Of those 32 eggs, 13 ended up fertilizing which is an excellent amount!

(pictures of my embryos)

On November 13th, I had 2 eggs transferred. It was such a crazy experience to watch as 2 perfect little embryos were transferred to me. It just amazes me that something like this can be done. Modern medicine is amazing. Despite the strict schedule, it seemed too easy.

The worst part of IVF for me was the 2 weeks that followed my transfer. It's the dreaded 2ww (2 week wait). Where you are sent home and instructed to take it easy and wait for 2 weeks til you go back to the doctors office for a pregnancy test. Every little cramp or abnormal feeling sent me into a panic and then I would panic because I wasn't suppose to be panicking and stressed (that is not good for pregnancy). Some days I would experience pregnancy symptoms and I would get excited that maybe it actually did work, but then those symptoms would go away and I'd feel normal, which made me feel like it didn't work after all. It's a very stressful and emotional 2 weeks. One that I am not looking forward to repeating. In fact, when I found out that my second IVF cycle ended in a miscarriage and we were discussing the possibility of trying again, thinking about having to go through another 2ww put a pit in my stomach. The shots and side effects from the meds were nothing compared to waiting for those 2 weeks to see if everything you've poured into this intense procedure actually worked.

Two weeks after my transfer, I returned to my Dr.'s office where blood was taken to test for my HCG levels.  They said they'd get it sent to the lab and would call me sometime after 4:00 that afternoon. My hands were literally shaking on my drive home, I was so nervous and anxious to get those results. At about 6:00 that evening the nurse called and said that my results came back positive, but my levels were only at 25 which is very low and she was pretty sure that number would decrease (which they did), but they wanted to retest in 2 days. I was heartbroken and shocked. I know IVF doesn't guarantee you'll get pregnant, but I felt since I had been able to get pregnant in the past, that this would work easily. That's the frustrating thing with infertility. Everything always looks like it should work perfectly, then it doesn't and it leaves lots of questions with no answers. I know that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me and my family. And even though it may not make sense to me, He knows what He is doing. I LOVE this quote by Thomas S. Monson "Our Heavenly Father is aware of our needs and will help us as we call upon Him for assistance. I believe that no concern of ours is too small or insignificant. The Lord is in the details of our lives."

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Understanding Your Grief

Today we are lucky to be hearing from Tenille Jensen.  Tenille is a Licensed Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and has also experienced baby loss.  Because of her experience, she is graciously offering a free seminar to those who are suffering.  Please read through to the end of the post for details.

Grieving can be a complicated process. Many who experience loss feel alone and it may seem that no one understands. I know that with my losses I often felt that way. My goal now is to reach out and help grieving people find each other and to offer my professional expertise to help them find peace and hope. First, I will tell you my story of loss.

My husband and I were blissfully expecting our first baby in the spring of 2004. We had no reason to worry--no one close to us had really experienced complications or losses--and we just expected that everything was fine. We learned about halfway through my pregnancy that our baby was not growing at the rate she should. She was diagnosed with Severe Intrauterine Growth Restriction (IUGR). I also began to have pre-eclampsia and was immediately ordered to bed rest. I spent a few weeks on bed rest but then my blood pressure spiked and our baby was delivered 9 weeks early. She was a tiny 1 lb. 5 oz. and we named her Lexie. I spent every moment I could in the NICU, looking back those moments are so precious. After one week full of ups and downs, Lexie got a blood clot in her lungs and returned to heaven. Her short life changed our lives forever.

Almost exactly two years later, we had a healthy baby boy. He brought a lot of joy and healing to us. Two-and-a-half years later, a beautiful baby girl joined our family. At that point, I decided to go back to school. I had always wanted to work in a field where I could help people and I was led to a degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. With six months of school left, I found out I was pregnant again. Of course, with each pregnancy I felt nervous because of my first experience but I had gained more confidence with two healthy pregnancies behind me. We had a comprehensive ultrasound at 16 weeks and found that our baby girl's growth was right on track and everything looked good. We breathed a big sigh of relief at that point. At my next appointment, my doctor could not find a heartbeat and we found out that we had lost our baby. Going through the loss of our first baby was almost more than we could handle and I always thought I'd never survive another loss. It's been a little over a year since our baby, Ari, was delivered stillborn and we survived it. It wasn't easy and our lives are not the same as they were before, but one of the best ways I have found meaning in my loss is by connecting with others.

Having experienced two losses myself, I know what a lonely and confusing journey grieving can be. Regardless of what type of loss you have experienced, being with others who have experienced a loss, can help you find peace and hope. This blog Brianna, Heather, Alli and Rachel have created is bringing people together who can read and share in other's experiences and I am honored that they have allowed me to contribute to their cause.

I am currently practicing as a Licensed Associate Marriage and Family Therapist at Swinton Counseling. As part of my quest to help others who are trying to make their way through their loss, I am offering a free grief seminar at my office in Bountiful, Utah. The seminar will be open to all who are seeking understanding and will encompass all types of loss. I will address the questions:

*What is grief and when will it end?

*How do I express my grief?

*What can I do to get the help and understanding I need from friends and family?

I will offer my personal experiences as well as my professional education and expertise to help you begin to understand your grief. I invite you to join me for this seminar where we can learn together. I am keeping the group size small so you can get the most out of the time we spend. Since space is limited, please call or reserve your spot online at http://www.swintoncounseling.com/seminars/.  (When you call or apply online to reserve your spot, please mention you heard about the counseling through our blog.  Thanks guys!)

The first seminar will be Thursday, May 22 at 6:30 pm. I hope to see you there!  

   

Tenille Jensen, LAMFT

www.swintoncounseling.com

(801) 657-5312

tenille@swintoncounseling.com

Feel free to contact me with any questions.

Behind Closed Doors

Written by Rachel (see other posts labeled 'Rachel')

When we got home from the hospital after losing our twins, things were different.  I was changed.  But I knew that at that moment, I needed to make a resolution of how I was going to handle myself.  Should I withdraw and keep to myself?  Should I put a smile on my face (whether it was fake or not) and just try my best to continue as before?  Obviously things weren't as they were before, and everyone handles grief in their own way, but my husband and I decided that, for us, the best thing to do was to move forward as best we could.

Friends and family continued to show us amazing love and support.  We received meals, notes were written, people babysat our little girl, gifts were given to us to help us remember our sweet little boys, and people provided a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on.    For the first week or so after being home, I was still in a state of shock.  I still wasn't completely convinced that it all had happened the way it did, that my boys were really gone.  Also, having a sweet, energetic little toddler helped force us to keep up our daily routines out of necessity.   I kind of felt like I was just going through the motions each day, numbly doing all the things that still needed doing.  But, at least I was doing something.

We still had this girlie to keep us busy and happy

The day after we returned from the hospital, Matt even called our good friend (Alli’s husband) to see if he could come help work in the basement, a project they had been working on for a while.  I think they were surprised that we would jump right back into doing that sort of thing so soon after losing our boys, but our feelings were that if we weren't keeping busy, we would be wallowing in our own sadness.  We liked having distractions.  I know that many people are the complete opposite, and that’s OK.  Grief is a very personal thing and even we didn't know that was where ours would take us, but it did, and it seemed to help and worked for us.  I feel the need to point out that just because we kept active and social, it did not mean that we weren't devastated over losing the twins.  They were in our minds 100% of the time.  We were not being insensitive to our own situation.  We moved, we just moved slower.  We laughed, we just laughed more quietly.   We managed to find joy in our hearts, but the joy did not replace the void that our loss had created.  It simply softened the sharp edges of our pain that would often and unexpectedly sting.

^^Checking out the basement a few days after the twins were born^^

^^Out to see Christmas lights the week after the twins were born^^

It was in the moments everything was still, or the times I was home alone, while my little girl slept peacefully in the other room, that I felt it…those are the times I would break down.  I would hold the clothes Maddox and Sampson wore in the hospital up to my face, wetting them with my tears, as I remembered how they smelled, how they felt.  I never did wash those clothes.  I didn't want to wash away the sweet smell.  It has now faded, but I still remember it whenever I pull those clothes out.  After everyone would fall asleep at night, I would lay in bed wide awake, and I would start sobbing.  Like I mentioned before, I have never been a huge crier.  But I would cry for hours at a time at night.  That is when the pain felt real to me.  My pillow would be drenched before I would finally cry myself to sleep.  I don’t even think my husband knew that I did that every night for a while.  I felt the agony of loss the most behind closed doors, where no one could see or hear me.  Behind those closed doors is where I poured my heart out in prayer, not asking why this happened, because I tried to have the faith to know that I will find that out one day, but instead asking for the strength and comfort I needed to endure this trial in my life.  Asking for the courage I needed to still be an attentive and present mom to my little girl, who was still too young, thankfully, to understand what had happened.

Over the next few months, and even the next few days after I delivered Maddox and Sampson, we had family gatherings, holidays, and church and work responsibilities (although many helping hands stepped in to lift many of those responsibilities off our heavily-burdened shoulders).  Whenever we'd respond to people that we'd attend something, they would always ask, "Are you sure??"  But life did not wait for us to find our bearings.  We couldn't push a pause button to make the world around us stop.  We couldn't postpone Thanksgiving until later…it just came.  We couldn't wave our magical wand and make the bills and insurance issues disappear, as much as we would have LOVED to have done that.  It didn't matter that all this money was going toward a hospital visit I felt I had nothing to show for.  I still needed to pay the bills.  If we stopped living, it wouldn't bring back the lives of our boys.  It’s just not how things work.  That’s how life is supposed to be.  We are here to be tested and grow.  We are all inevitably going to face trials in our lives, and when they do come, we will still have to continue on our journey.  We will have to endure.

I am a firm believer that our attitude plays a major part in how we endure these trials.  I love this quote by the prophet of our church, Thomas S. Monson.  He said, “So much in life depends on our attitude. The way we choose to see things and respond to others makes all the difference. To do the best we can and then to choose to be happy about our circumstances, whatever they may be, can bring peace and contentment.”  I also love the message another of our church leaders, Joseph B. Wirthlin, gave back in 2008 (wow, I’m getting old, because it feels like he gave this message just yesterday).  I won’t repeat the whole thing (go check it out here because it is good!), but in it, he said, “If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness.”

I definitely fall short…a lot…and I do sometimes get sucked into negative thinking and I wish things were different, but I've learned that thinking that way hasn't gotten me anywhere.  Things aren't different.  Things are as they are, and they happened for a reason.  But the times I have focused on the blessings that I do have are the times when I have felt the most growth, peace, and happiness.  I still love my boys and miss them everyday.  But I do have one amazing little girl here with me that is the light of my life and a hubby that keeps us both entertained.  And I truly am one lucky girl.

The DO's

Written by Brianna

I have been asked many times "what can I do?" in reference to someone losing a baby.  I have a small running list of some general things that I found helpful myself, or that I have seen helpful for someone else.  First I feel like I need to share some back story on my support team.  After losing my babies I know now more than ever that certain people are put into our lives for a reason. :)

Losing my first baby, Demree, was my first personal experience with loss, but it wasn't my first encounter.  My first encounter came before I was a mother myself.  Ally, my best friend from childhood, lost her first baby, Carter, four short days before his due date.  Oh how I ached for my friend, who was the closest thing I had to a sister, and her loving husband.  Also, this was my first time being the helpless friend.  I realize my sadness and helplessness didn't compare to her's, not even close, but I wanted so badly to do something.  I wanted to ease her burden, I wanted her to know how much I loved her, and I didn't have a clue how to go about it.

My second encounter came after my second baby J was six months old.  My friend Beth, whom I met through church and pregnancy water aerobics, had just received word that her third baby, her first daughter, no longer had a heartbeat at twenty-one weeks.  Beth and I were friends, but more like surface level friends.  We didn't talk one on one much, but still socialized with each other often.  After she lost Addelyn, I just felt the need for her not to be alone.  I am sure I overstepped a time or two, but I wanted her to realize that I wanted to be there for her.  Addy helped mine and Beth's relationship grow into what it is.  I can't wait until the day I can meet her in person, and thank her for helping me realize my best friend.

Both of my two friends' losses unfortunately were my gain.  Due to their painfully gained knowledge, when I lost my babies I had an AMAZING support system (which only started with them... we were loved by many).  The acts of service they each did for me are almost too sacred to share.  I now only wish I were able to do for them what they were able to do for me.  So now I just try to pay it forward when I can.  Not everyone is as lucky as I was, and please don't ever be discouraged if you are not able to be this kind of friend for someone who is grieving.  Sometimes it won't even be a possibility.  It's a very private and vulnerable thing to experience, and no two people handle it the same.  But there are plenty of things to do that may seem insignificant at the time, but end up meaning a lot as someone looks back on them.

The DO's

::  Do get them a little gift if you feel so inclined.  My best gifts were books ('Gone Too Soon', 'For They Shall be Comforted', and 'Tear Soup' were my favorites), jewelry, Christmas ornaments, and basically anything that acknowledges they actually really lost someone.

::  Do send notes, cards, emails, and text/instant messages.  In my opinion, best form of communication in times of sorrow.

::  Do "the little things" that lighten their load.  Neighbors mowing our lawn, taking our children to school, filling in on our church responsibilities, and any small acts of service that can be done without asking are the best kind.

::  Do try to coordinate through the husband.  It's just better, trust me.

::  Do try to offer up some kind of monetary donation to the family.  This usually only applies to the immediate family, but not always.  Just remember this family is now faced with unexpected expenses when it comes to funeral costs, and preemptive medical bills.

::  Do acknowledge mom and the family when they attempt to insert themselves back into social situations (i.e, work, church, social gatherings).

::  Do make the arrangements when trying to help.  Such as "I will bring dinner on this day at this time", or "I will be by to pick up your kids to play on this day at this time".  This may seem silly, but I felt so scattered at the time that just trying to make arrangements for my kids made me want to go get back in bed.

::  Do let them talk about their baby and/or their experience if they want to.

::  Do know that as much as you don't want them to be uncomfortable, they are that much more concerned with you being uncomfortable.  This was very much the case right after my losses (especially my second, I was like a circus freak ;), but still holds true now.  I spend a lot of time trying to ease other people's awkwardness with MY situation. (This one may be less general, and more my perception.  Thought I would include it anyway.)

:: Do pray for them. :')  I promise we could feel the strength from everyone's humble prayers in our behalf.

::  Do say "I am so sorry", and most of the time leave it at that.

I remember when Beth told me that she now really knows what the phrase "it's the thought that counts" means, and I completely agree.  When you are broken inside it really is nice to feel thought of. :)

The Taboo

Written by Alli

Shortly after we moved into our home and had been trying to conceive for awhile,  I was visited by some women from my church.  We didn't know each other that well, so as we were talking, they asked if I had children.  I told them not yet (this had begun to be my standard answer).  Then one of the ladies asked me, "Is that by choice or because you can't?"  I was shocked.  Both of those questions were offensive to me since if I said it was by choice, I felt they would be judging me and if I said I couldn't, that was a very personal subject that I didn't feel comfortable discussing with some women I had just met.  As I was soon to find out, this question was relatively tame compared to what would happen once we told people we were going to adopt.

Once the word adopt was out there for everyone to know, it was like a license for people to say whatever they wanted to us.  Nothing was Taboo anymore.  Nothing.  When we told our family we were adopting, the first thing some of them said was, I could never give away one of my babies.  While this was hurtful, it was still at the beginning of the process, so we took some time to educate them on proper adoption language (placed vs. give up, expectant mom vs. birth mom, etc) and not let it hurt  us too bad.  However, as the time got closer, more and more people asked us if we were afraid the expectant mom was going to "change her mind" and keep the baby.  I got more and more frustrated.  What if I asked you when you were 32 weeks pregnant if you thought you were going to miscarry?  Can you imagine the look on people's faces?  Taboo.  You DO NOT ask a pregnant woman if she fears she will miscarry.  However, it was perfectly "acceptable" for them to ask us our most unspoken fear.  Of course we were nervous the expectant mom would choose to parent.  But that was her decision to make.  Please, please do not ask an adoptive mom that question, especially if it is at a celebration for the soon to be mom at say a baby shower.  This question again seemed tame once we had our son and were home showing him to our family.

We were showing off our 2 week old baby to our family and friends, and it was shocking to me the the number of people that said, "I don't know how she could ever have given him away".  Please, please do not say this to an adoptive mom that is FINALLY holding her very much wanted new born baby.  I was relishing in the joy and happiness of this little miracle and I thought my family and friends would too.  I was confused why anyone would say that.  Were they not aware that had our wonderful, beautiful birth mom not chosen to "give him away", I wouldn't be a mother at this very instant?  And don't even get me started on the phrase, "give him away".  This is not a possession she didn't want any more.  This is a human being, a person she loves very much and very lovingly placed in our arms.  This was a decision that took her many months of prayer and thought and she didn't choose to tell us until she knew this was her decision.  It wasn't a split second decision or in a moment of weakness.  This was a decision that was made out of strength.

But the one that still kills me most of all, is what happened a couple weeks ago.  We had just gotten back from a wonderful weekend with our son's birth mom.  It was incredible.  As I was telling my family about the trip, one phrase kept coming up, "I'll bet she wishes she kept him".  It's a good thing the first time I heard that, I was on the phone, because I had a hard time keeping the tears away.  The next time, I was still shocked, but at least I was able to hide my feelings.  Now, I can't speak  for Carter's birth mom, but she has mentioned on several occasions that she is so happy we are Carter's parents.  So each time someone would say this, I would explain to them how she was happy she placed him with us, how she knows he was meant to be in our family, and how she has been sure about her decision from the start.  I know they haven't had the confirmation we've had and they don't understand our connection and they aren't aware of the many miracles that led us to each other (maybe I'll share those one day).  But it still hurts.  A LOT.  By asking that question, you are saying that the most wonderful thing in our lives is the biggest regret in hers.

In all the above instances, I know none of those people were saying those things to be hurtful.  I know they all love and care for me.  But, if you know someone who has adopted, or someone that has placed, please, please do not take that as a license to throw all manners out the window and approach any topic you think is "acceptable".  Please think for one second if that question or statement could possibly be Taboo.

Since I only touched on a few of the adoption terms that shouldn't be said, the following video sums up the rest of the terms perfectly.  It's a hilarious watch and worth every second.