Grateful

Written by Brianna

Two nights ago I was asked to share some of my experiences at our church during a women's activity.  The meeting was focusing on trials and hardships, how everyone struggles with different things, and how our Heavenly Father loves us regardless.  While I was honored to be asked I was equally petrified.  Writing your experiences for everyone to read is entirely easier than getting up in front of people and speaking about them out loud (at least for me).  Luckily I was able to make my thoughts audible, and I can only hope I got the message across I was trying to.

I have to admit that I feel incredibly blessed to be at a place in my journey to be able to take on such a task.  It has been a long time coming, and a mostly up hill battle... BUT I have done it.  I KNOW I can do hard things.  I am a survivor.  Now this is not an invitation to the Lord to "bring it", but more of my way of showing gratitude for such opportunities.

That's right.  I am grateful for my heartache.  I am grateful to know the bitter from the sweet.  I am grateful to be able to recognize miracles when I see them.  I am grateful for the family dynamic that I am able to have, including the daughters I have yet to know.  A family in which I know I wouldn't have if life would have remained on it's uneventful path.  I am grateful for the perspective I have gained, and because of this perspective the kind of mother I have become.  I loved and appreciated my children before we lost our babies, but no where near the way I do now.  This perspective has also allowed be to realize that problems and struggles I used to think were a big deal really are not, and I am constantly trying harder to relish the seemingly insignificant moments with my littles.

Know that I have lots of room for improvement when it comes to living in the moment, and I still whine with the best of them.  But I am grateful for the small glimpse of the eternal perspective through Heavenly Father's eyes, and how humbling it can be.  I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who loves me enough to give me far bigger trials than I ever thought I could handle, and for a loving Savior who helps me with the growing pains.

The Long Awaited Visit

Written by Alli

We had the wonderful opportunity to visit Carter's birth mom and her family in April.  It was a trip we had been planning for months and we were all so excited.  Carter's birth mom E hadn't seen Carter since he was born.  We got to Arizona late afternoon on a Friday and E was going to meet us at our hotel.  We had stopped and let Carter pick out some flowers to give her.  I had this picture in my head that she would come into our room, Carter would walk over to her with the flowers and they would hug and she would cry and we would cry.  It would be a great picture taking opportunity and the perfect first meeting.  I was delusional!  Carter was 1 1/2.  Of course that isn't what happened.  E knocked on our door and Carter ran to help me answer it.  As soon as the door opened, he took off into the hallway running as fast as he could.  So E and I were chasing him trying to catch him.  Once we were all safely back in our room, the ice had been broken and we were all laughing and hugging.  E brought her sister with her and we all just sat chatting.  Carter has an obsession with lights, so as long as E was holding him next to the light switch, he would let her hold him.

We followed E and her sister to E's house where the rest of the family was waiting so we could all eat dinner.  The rest of the family was there:  her husband, sister's, nieces, nephews, brother in law, parents, grandma and friends.  A lot of people wanting to see little Carter and smother him with love and kisses.  E gave him some stuffed animals and a bowling set so he could have something to play with.  One of the stuffed animals was a lemur and he has not let it go since she gave it to him.  He has to sleep with it every night.  It is adorable how much he loves that lemur.

One other unique thing is that Paul and E have the same birthday.  So they exchanged gifts while we were there as well.

Carter is a little explorer so he wasn't overwhelmed with all the people.  He played outside with the cousins and he played inside with the aunts.  He played with E's husband and turned lights on and off with E's mom.  We have always felt like one big extended family since the first time we met.  We are very much alike and sitting around the kitchen table with everyone talking and laughing is like second nature.  The night ended too quickly and we went back to the hotel to put Carter to bed.

The next day was E's nephew's baptism.  We got to meet more relatives and enjoy a nice lunch at E's sister's house.  This was one of my favorite parts of the trips.  E took Carter outside and was pulling him in a wagon, and running after him.  I loved seeing just the two of them together having fun.  I wish I would have taken some pictures, but I didn't want to ruin the moment.  I was watching from a distance because I wanted them to have some time alone together.  I wanted them to have memories of their own.  I know Carter is too young to really remember,  but I hope that the stories I tell will be enough for him.

That night we went to dinner with E's whole family.  Carter sat between me and E and we both helped him with dinner.  He was eating off E's plate and she was happy to let him.  I loved that moment too.  After dinner we had to say goodbye to her sister's and their families and her parents.  This was really hard for me.  I started crying and didn't want to leave.  It wasn't long enough.  The trip was too short.  They needed to be able to see Carter more.  I hated that we lived so far away from each other.  We promised we would see each other soon and then the night was over.

The next day we went to breakfast with just E and her husband.  We really felt like old friends by this point.  Breakfast was fun and we took our time talking.  While we were waiting for the food we gave E a gift.  It was letter's from our family telling her how thankful they were she placed Carter with us and how much they loved her.  We didn't want to leave her husband out, so we got him a little something too, although his wasn't nearly as sentimental.  As usual, the time went by too fast and it was time for us to make the trip back to Utah.  We managed to get some pictures before we left and they are pictures I think Carter will treasure.  As we pulled away, I started crying.  I couldn't imagine how E felt saying goodbye to her precious little boy........again.  I knew it had to be hard and I just said a quick prayer that she would be ok.

Open Adoption is hard and emotional at times, but it's all worth it.  We loved this trip to see Carter's birth mom and we wished she lived closer so we could see her more often.  We are truly blessed with the greatest birth mom.  I thank my Heavenly Father every single day for her and hope we get to see her soon.

Decoding the Infertility Language

Fertility message boards and online support groups can be a huge help when you're coping with infertility. I know when I started going through this, if I ever had a quick question or I was stressing about test results I found myself turning to the Internet for some instant help or reassurance. It seemed like usually I could post a question and get a pretty immediate answer from someone who had gone through something similar that could give me some personal insight.

One thing that I noticed when I started visiting different message boards is that fertility forums have a terminology that is all their own. You're likely to see writing similar to this:

"Its been a long 2WW after this FET and unfortunately AF made her appearance. We didn't get the BFP that we were hoping for. DH and I are heartbroken."

Say what??? It can be very confusing to follow along. The good news is you'll likely learn these abbreviations quickly and learn to appreciate them as they'll save you typing time :) Here's a quick little guide to some of the commonly-used abbreviations and acronyms that you may see or want to use yourself:


2WW: two-week wait; the time between ovulation and period

• AF: Aunt Flo (menstruation)
• AH, AZH: Assisted Hatching
• ART: Assisted Reproductive Technology
• BA: Baby Aspirin
• BBT: Basal Body Temperature
• BCP: Birth Control Pills
• BD: Baby Dance (sex)
• BFN: Big fat negative on a pregnancy test
• BFP: Big fat positive on a pregnancy test
• C#: Cycle Number
• CB: Cycle Buddy
• D&C: Dilation & Curettage
• DE: Donor Eggs
• DH: Dear Husband, Darling Husband or Damn Husband (depending on your mood)
• DI: Donor Insemination
• DOR: Diminished Ovarian Reserve
• DP3DT: Days Post 3-Day Transfer
• DPIUI: Days past IUI
• DPO: Days past ovulation
• DPR: Days Post-Retrieval
• DPT: Days Post-Transfer
• Dx: Diagnosis
• EDD: Estimated Due Date
• ENDO: Endometriosis
• EPT: Early Pregnancy Test
• ER: Egg Retrieval
• ET: Embryo Transfer
• FET: Frozen Embryo Transfer
• FF: Fertile Friend
• FM: Fertile Mucus or Fertility Monitor
• FSH: Follicle Stimulating Hormone
• FTTA: Fertile Thoughts To All
• FV: Fertile Vibes
• Fx: Fingers crossed
• hCG, HCG: Human Chorionic Gonadotropin
• HPT: Home Pregnancy Test
• ICSI: Intra-cytoplasmic Sperm Injection
• IF: Infertility
• IPS: Imaginary pregnancy symptoms
• IUI: Intra-uterine Insemination
• IVC: Intra-vaginal Culture
• IVF: In Vitro Fertilization
• LAP: Laparoscopy
• LMP: Last Menstrual Period (start date)
• LP: Luteal Phase
• LSP: Low Sperm Count
• MC, m/c, misc.: Miscarriage
• MF: Male Factor
• O, OV: Ovulation
• OC: Oral Contraceptives
• OPK: Ovulation Predictor Kit
• OPT: Ovulation Predictor Test
• P4: Progesterone
• PGD: Pre-implantation Genetic Diagnosis
• PI: Primary Infertility
• PIO: Progesterone in Oil
• PMS: Premenstrual Syndrome
• R-FSH, R-hFSH: Recombinant Human Follicle Stimulating Hormone
• RPL: Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
• SA: Semen Analysis
• SART: Society of Assisted Reproductive Technology
• SI: Secondary Infertility
• TET: Tubal Embryo Transfer
• TRH: Thyroid Releasing Hormone
• TSH: Thyroid Stimulating Hormone
• Tx: Treatment
• US, u/s: Ultrasound
• V: Vasectomy
• VR: Vasectomy Reversal
• WBC: White Blood Cells
• WNL: Within Normal Limits

Memorial Day

Written by Rachel

I thought I'd change up my post a little bit this time and fast forward to our beautiful Memorial Day yesterday.  I will get back to writing about the events and emotions that have brought me to the point where I am today, but for a quick breather, I wanted to share our fun family experience we had together yesterday.  It is nice to sometimes forget about yourself and reflect on the memories of people in our lives that have come and gone, each of them having impacted us in their own unique ways.

The weather could not have been more perfect.  Our little girlie slept in until 10 am, so naturally, so did I.  After we finally rolled out of bed and ate our breakfast at (cough) lunchtime (cough), we packed up a picnic and headed out to a few cemeteries to visit some of our lost loved ones.  Here are some of the pictures we took on our little outing...

^^This girlie refused to take those sunglasses off all day, even in the store as she picked out the little stars and pinwheels for the graves.  It was pretty dang cute.^^

^^Don't be scared by the guy on the left.  That's my hubby.^^

^^In remembrance of our little Maddox and Sampson.^^

^^The cemetery our boys are buried in is beautiful!!^^

We were able to visit the graves of the twins and of a couple of our grandpas who have passed away, both of whom served their country (Matt's grandpa served in the US Navy in the Korean War and and mine served in the British Royal Air Force in WWII).  It was so peaceful in each of the cemeteries we visited.  I loved it.  Part of our car ride discussion consisted of whether or not we would feel comfortable living next to a cemetery...I said I would, but my husband said he definitely could not :)  For those of you who know him, I doubt you're surprised (let's just say when we watch scary movies, he is the one with the high-pitched scream, not me)!  But we had a great time there remembering our family members who are no longer with us.  I never thought I would be visiting the grave of my own children, but I guess no one ever does.  However, it was not a sad day for us.  It was a great opportunity for us to take time out of our busy schedules to reflect on the short time we did get to spend with Maddox and Sampson and to talk to our little girl more about them.  She loves talking to me about them and asking me questions, and it melts my little heart when she does.  It also meant the world to me when my sister-in-law texted me the other day asking where the twins' grave was so their family could take flowers to them...just reminded me even more that they really are not forgotten.

I also can't believe how fast this life flies by.  Yesterday served as a great reminder to me of how short this life really is and not to take it for granted, even though I often and easily get caught up in the little things that probably aren't really that important in the eternal scheme of things.  It seems like just yesterday I was getting bounced around on my Grandpa's knees, or that I was cradling my still little boys in my arms.  This life will be over in the blink of an eye, and I need to be WAY better at making every day count and being happy with however my life is turning out, whatever the circumstances.  

Lastly, it was amazing to see all the military markers in each of the cemeteries.  We really are so blessed to have the freedoms we enjoy, and it was humbling to see how many people have sacrificed their lives to make that possible.

I hope you were all able to remember your lost loved ones, or remember those who have lost loved ones, over the holiday, and that you were able to celebrate their lives or the impact they have had on your life.  I was especially mindful of all those who have lost their sweet babies, now that I have joined those ranks.  I hope you were reminded about how special those babies still are.  Because, like the picture in Brianna's last post said, there is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world.

The DON'Ts

Written by Brianna

Last time I posted I talked about the DO's when trying to help someone who has recently lost a baby.  Well I have found that with every "do" there usually is a DON'T to go with it.  So here goes my general list of things NOT to do.

The DON'Ts

::  Don't stop by in the middle of the day unannounced to a mom who has recently lost a baby.  If you want to drop something by, then just leave it at the door and go.  Better yet wait until you know someone else will be home so you can leave it with them.

::  Don't expect mom to pick up the phone.  I found talking on the phone to be excruciating... I cried worse over the phone than I did in person.  To this day I still screen my calls pretty heavily... kind of my own form of PTSD.

::  Don't compare your situation (your hardships and trials) with their's.  Even after losing babies I try (I am sure I am not perfect at this) not to compare.  Everyone's situation is different even if they have similarities.  As time goes on there will be time to relate to one another, but let them take the lead on that.

::  Don't disappear.  Even if this loved one does not allow you to be there for them as much as you would like to be, that is not an invitation to withdraw.  The vulnerability felt leaves you feeling raw and exposed, and few people want to display that to others... even those they are closest to.  Just try to remember this is not about you.  If more people remembered that, (sigh) grieving would be so much easier... well maybe not easier, but better.

::  Don't decide when they should be "all better" or "over it".  There is no time line on grief.  I talked more about that here on the first post I wrote.  This brings me to my next don't...

::  Don't expect them to be the same person they were before.  I feel now that I am closer to the person I used to be, time has helped with that.  But not the same and I probably never will be.  I can even look at pictures and identify the "before" me and the "after" me.  But really that's okay.  I am good with that.

::  Don't say "well at least you don't have to lose as much weight (since you had the baby early)".  I would have been the size of a bus for the rest of my life if it meant a healthy baby.  And on top of that I remember being really sad watching my swollen belly go down.  The physical changes to your body after loss are apparent enough, and sharp little reminders all on their own.

::  Don't say... oh there are just so many... "your baby is in a better place now", "God needed another angel", "your baby was just too perfect for this earth", etc., etc., etc.  While these statements may be true to a person of faith, they don't always make you feel better when the pain is so new and all you want is to have your baby here with you.  These also make a huge assumption that you know this family's belief system.  Honestly the best thing to say is, "I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS."  And that is enough.

::  Don't say "well at least you can get pregnant again".  This statement makes SO many assumptions about the grieving mom.  Such as what they are emotionally, mentally, and physically capable of.  Also, it may just remind them of the real fear they have that they will never have another healthy, living baby in this life.  But most important it minimizes the importance of the life they just lost.  I didn't want to be pregnant again, I wanted to still be pregnant.  I wanted to get to know, love on, and watch grow the baby I had held in my arms.  Granted the time for subsequent pregnancies does come (for some), but they should not be treated as a consolation prize.


Now I realize this is not all the DON'Ts out there.  How can it be?  Every situation is different.  Because of this I invite anyone who has a "DON'T" they have found to be particularly hurtful to please share it in the comments.  I have found for the most part people mean well, and they don't want to hurt feelings or make things more difficult.... they just don't know any better.  Educated people are always more empathetic. :)

Last but not least, a picture of my sweet Demree's tiny feet...

Waiting

Written by Alli

I felt like the first part of my 30's (yep, I admit it, I'm getting old) was spent waiting....... waiting to get pregnant, waiting for test results, waiting for adoption approval, waiting to be chosen, waiting for the baby to be born, waiting for placement day, waiting to take Carter home, waiting for finalization day, and waiting for sealing day.  The adoption process is filled with waiting. For those in the adoption process, patience becomes more than a virtue, it becomes your life blood.

It helps while you're waiting to be chosen by an expectant parent to do everything you can to let others know you are hoping to adopt.  We made pass along cards and gave them to family and friends and  asked them to hand them out to everyone.  We left the cards with our credit card slip when we ate out.  We posted our blog on Facebook and asked for others to share it, which they did.  We put our profile on multiple adoption websites and were spotlighted on a few different adoption blogs.  When strangers asked if we had children, we told them we were hoping to adopt and to please think of us if they knew of any expectant parents who might be thinking of placing.  It was awkward and uncomfortable, but we knew we had to find our birth mom.  She was looking for us and we had to find her.  Doing all these things helped me feel like I was doing everything possible to find my baby.

Once you're chosen, the anxiety of waiting doesn't go away.  It just changes to a different type of anxiety.  While we were nervous that the expectant mom might decide to parent, the only thing we could do was move forward with faith and plan for our baby.  This part of the waiting was fun.  Planning, preparing, attending baby showers (so many baby showers!), decorating the nursery and buying baby stuff.  The time really did go by fast and we were lucky we had 20 weeks to prepare.  Getting ready for a baby is a lot of work!

The nursery

Waiting for placement day can be the most tiring, anxious time of your life.  Just remember, you not only love this baby, you love this expectant parent.  I knew that regardless of whether or not our birth mom chose to parent, she would still be a part of our lives.  She needed our love and understanding during the 72 hours we had until she could sign relinquishment papers.  Spend as much time with the expectant mom and the baby as she allows.  Call family and friends.  Take pictures and enjoy every minute you have with the expectant parents, baby and their family.

In our case, we had to wait for approval from Arizona and Utah to bring our baby across state lines.  This process took another 5 days.  It should have been much longer, but because we were proactive with our case, we were able to move the process along quickly.  Make sure you know the rules between states and double check with your case worker and attorney to make sure all paperwork has been filed.  We didn't have a federal background check completed and that almost cost us 2 more weeks in Arizona.  Thankfully, we both had Concealed Weapons Permits that were acceptable as federal background checks, so we didn't have to wait to do new ones.

In the state of Utah the child has to be in your home for 6 months before the adoption is final.  This waiting is the easy part.  You get to enjoy your new little baby, you're caught up in the joy of being a parent and the time flies by.  6 months passes before you know it!  Then you get to stand before the judge in another very emotional moment and proclaim your love for your child.  I know proclaim is a cheesy word, but it is the only word that seems right.

With the judge after Carter was officially declared ours

I'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, so for us what happened after the finalization was the most important part.  After finalization we were able to seal Carter to us.  Being dressed in white, kneeling across the altar from my husband in the temple of the Lord with Carter between us and being sealed together for all eternity is one of the greatest moments of my life.

With our Sealer at the Temple

I know that waiting can be hard.  I know it can make you insane.  Please know that you are not alone.  I've been though it, and countless other families have been through it.  You can do this!  You are stronger than you can imagine.  And at the other side of all the waiting is your perfect little baby.....and that baby is worth the wait.

Infertility, Pregnancy and Adoption

Terra Cooper is a mother to three beautiful kids, two biological and one adopted.  She is a writer/graphic designer for Adoption.com and an administrator for Open Adoption/Open Hearts group on Facebook.  In addition she started an online Facebook group for those in the adoption triad to share positive adoption stories and questions.  Lastly she is one of our friends.  Welcome, Terra!

My story of infertility, pregnancy and adoption has been years in the making.  Here is the short version.

   When I was 21, I was told by my doctor it would be very unlikely for me to have biological children.  If I was able to conceive, the chances of a premature birth or miscarriages would be very high.  It was devastating.  Two years later I became pregnant.  Unfortunately, at 11 weeks I miscarried.  We started to look into adoption and even started to get paperwork started to adopt a child from Haiti.  During that process I became pregnant again and delivered our first miracle son ten weeks early.  Three and a half years later we got our second miracle boy.  After ten weeks in labor/bedrest with him, my doctor advised against another pregnancy.  In my heart I knew she was right and that he would be the last child I would be able to carry.

Terra's 1st little boy

Terra's second little boy

   I knew that physically my body would not be able to carry a baby to viability and I knew emotionally I couldn't go through each day thinking I would kill my baby that day-that was harder than the physical pain.  I felt personally responsible for not being able to carry my children like other women are "supposed" to and knew if I did lose another baby because of how my anatomy was-something I couldn't control or fix, it would break me. 

    I tried to be ok with it.  I tried to feel like our family was complete, but I never felt at peace.  My husband started to feel the same way.  We both talked about adoption again and knew for certain this was the way we were supposed to complete our family.  I think because we had already tried once to start our family through adoption, it was such an easy option for us to come to terms with.  I know it wasn't that way the first time we considered adoption. 

   I feel impressed to write that if you know someone that  is struggling with infertility, please don't ever tell them, "Well you can just adopt."  Although you may mean well, it is not what you want to hear when you haven't fully grieved the loss of having a biological child.  Adoption is not easy, in any way, so "just adopt" makes it sound like it is an easy solution.  Even after an adoption, it doesn't solve the problems or feelings that come with infertility. 

   Having said all of that, I am so grateful for the opportunity we had to adopt our little girl four and a half years after our second son was born.  I completely feel with all of my being that she was supposed to come to our family through adoption.  I also feel like her birth mother was supposed to be part of our family as well and am so grateful to have her in our lives.  There is nothing easy about the adoption process, but having people who have gone through it to support you and know what you are going through helps out so much.  Adoption is bittersweet.  Adoption is a miracle.  Adoption is hard-but so beautiful too.

Terra's beautiful baby girl

Terra and her birth mom at placement

 I created a support group on Facebook for adoptive parents, birth parents and adoptees that focuses on keeping positive and being honest about our feelings.  It has been an amazing blessing to me and the people in it because we get to hear from all sides of the adoption triad and I feel like it helps us empathize with what the "other side" goes through.  There are many support groups out there for adoption and if you are part of the triad or are in the process of adoption/placing, I would recommend finding a group that can support you through the rough days, because there will be many.  There will be many days of joy and happiness as well and the miracle that adoption is, can't be denied.  I have two biological children and one adopted child-all three have come to our family by a miracle, there is no denying that.  I thank my Father every day for those three miracles in my life and still can't believe how lucky I am!!!  Wherever you are in your journey of creating your family, just remember to never give up and find people who will support and life you up!