Lyla's Story - Part 2

Written by Alli

"S" was set to be released from the hospital on Saturday afternoon.  She asked her friend to come get her and take her home.  Unfortunately, her friend was unable to do so.  I offered and was more than happy to be the one to take her home.  She was ready to go around 5:00.  We had spent all afternoon together with Lyla, and she had been able to spend some time alone with her.  There was such a feeling of emptiness watching her place Lyla in the hospital bassinet, getting into the wheelchair and leaving the hospital.  There were many tears shed and lots of hugs.  It was so different from when Carter's birth mom left the hospital.  After she left, we were able to break down and cry for quite awhile, but since I was "S"'s support system, I had to stay strong for her.  She needed her medication, so we went and got that and then I took her home where I stayed with her for over an hour waiting for her friend to come get her and take her home with her.  I really enjoyed that time.  We got to talk uninterrupted and "S" opened up about things that had happened in her life.  I am so thankful for our open adoption and to be able to call her not only my friend, but also family.

My absolute favorite picture of "S" and Lyla.  Truly captures her love for her baby.

Lyla had to stay one more day in the hospital, so Sunday was a fun day filled with family and friends.  We loved being able to show her off and reality was starting to set in that we might actually be able to call this little girl ours.  "J" was also able to spend a couple hours with Lyla and we loved being able to spend that time with him.  The time from "S" leaving the hospital until Monday morning was the longest and hardest time.  So many negative thoughts and so much fear started to set in.  We hoped for the best, but for those 24 hours, Lyla still wasn't ours.  She was in our home, and we were taking care of her, but she was not ours.  "S" had a rough night that night and was getting some negative feedback from family members about the adoption.  I sent an encouraging text letting her know how many prayers were being said on her behalf and we texted much of the night.  She was so strong and told me she was so glad she found us and that she knew the adoption was meant to be.  It never ceases to amaze me how strong these women we call birth mothers are.

Our first "unofficial" night as a family of four

The next morning was awful.  There is no other way to describe it.  I was going to the courthouse to meet "J' and "S" and support them while they signed papers.  I took one last picture of me and Lyla in case it was the last time I got to be her mom.  I just didn't have peace and I was filled with confusion.  Both "J" and "S" had been wonderful the past 3 days, but the situation was still so tense and filled with uncertainty.  I loved these two wonderful birth parents and I prayed they would do what was best for Lyla, whatever that may be.

It was a quiet 30 minute drive to the courthouse.  Paul dropped me off and went to drive around with Carter and Lyla.  I walked into the courthouse and there they were.  "J" and "S", were sitting on a bench with our attorney between them, going over the paperwork.  They both had tears in their eyes and they looked very somber.  I interrupted the attorney so I could hug them both.  I was crying and couldn't hug them tight enough.  Then the courtroom doors opened and they were ushered inside.  My attorney asked me to stay out in the hall, so I sat on a bench where I was trying not to cry.  Thankfully, "S"'s caseworker was with her and was updating me throughout the process.  When she sent me the text that said, "They signed.  Lyla is yours forever", I couldn't hold back the tears.  It was so hard to breathe and I honestly couldn't believe that little girl was ours.  I was crying for the heartache that "J' and "S" were going through and praying fervently that they would have peace in their hearts.  When they came out, there was more hugging and crying.  I wanted to make sure they knew this wasn't goodbye.  Lyla would know them.  She would know their love for them always and they would be a part of her life.

"J' followed me to our car so he could see Lyla and we told "S" we'd meet up with her in an hour.  We were in Idaho for a couple more days and were able to see "J" and "S" a couple more times.  I love open adoption.  I love that "J" and "S" are able to not only know Lyla through pictures, but through spending time with her.  I love that Lyla has this huge support system that isn't just made up of mine and Paul's families.  She has "J' and "S"'s families as well.  With all the heartache and difficulty that came with Lyla's adoption, we feel so blessed to have her as part of our family and to have "J" and "S" as part of our family too.  The Lord is in control.  He knows what we need.  He loves us and He answers our prayers.......in His timing, not ours.  We couldn't be happier to be a family of four!

Lyla's Story Part 1

I figured it was time to finally tell Lyla's story.  "S" thought for sure she would deliver early, and we even had a false alarm, but she still didn't come.  Although she wasn't due until December 9th or 10th or somewhere around there (I can't remember!), the doctor decided to induce her the day after Thanksgiving.  This worked out well for us since we would be in Idaho already to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family.

"S" was supposed to be induced at 6:00 a.m. Friday morning.  Paul and I were up bright and early and nervous as could be, but we kept getting texts from "S" that the induction was being pushed back.  She was finally told to go up around 10:00 a.m. She asked us not to come until they actually induced her, so there was more waiting.  We got the call at 12:30 that she had been started and had her epidural.  We were eating lunch so we finished lunch, kissed Carter good bye and made the 30 minute drive to the hospital.  We got there at 1:38.  The nurse was in there and I asked how "S" looked.  She said, "Everything looks good and we'll check here again around 3:00".

Just a few minutes later, the nurse said she was going to go ahead and check her now and could we step out in the hall.  Paul and I went out in the hall and another couple of minutes later the nurse came running out and said "S" was at a 9!  Things started happening really fast after that.  Paul stayed in the hall and I went inside to be with "S".  I stood on the left side of her and the doctor told her to push.  I helped hold her leg and just 3 short pushes later, our little girl was born at 2:02 p.m.  Just 24 short minutes after we arrived. I was the lucky one who got to cut the cord and then they layed her on "S" and let her hold her before they whisked her off to be cleaned.  That moment, where two mothers are joined as one, is a moment that is indescribable.

I was torn between wanting to hold "S"'s hand and wanting to make sure the baby was ok.  Her caseworker was there (she's a little bossy :)) and told me to go be with the baby.  I went over and held her little hand while the hospital staff did what they did.  She was perfect and she was beautiful.  I was trying really hard to hold back my emotions and not get attached, but it was very difficult.  It was such an amazing experience to be there with "S" as she delivered that sweet little girl and it was definitely impossible not to get attached.  Because of the situation, Paul and I were still very unsure if we would be coming home with that little girl and because of it, we were trying to shield our hearts.

We spent some time visiting with "S" and then the birth dad, "J" came up and spent some time with the baby as well.  Everyone kept asking us for a name, but we hadn't decided on one yet.  "S" didn't have a great support system, so there was really only Paul and I and her caseworker at the hospital.  We spent almost every moment together in the hospital.

"S" had a friend with her that first evening, so we told her we were going to grab dinner and she could spend some alone time with the baby.  She would never ask us for that time, so we tried to do what we thought was right and anticipate what she might need.

Paul and I went to grab dinner and we tried to agree on a name, but it was much harder than I thought.  I was so tired and emotionally drained and we finally got to the root of why we couldn't choose a name.  We were both so scared that we wouldn't be bringing this little girl home, that we didn't want to name her.  Naming her would be the final attachment to her that we weren't ready to give in to yet.  We just couldn't do it.  We decided to sleep on it and discuss it in the morning.   Paul went home to stay with Carter and I spent the first night in the hospital with the baby alone.

When I woke up, I went to see "S" right away so she could spend as much time with the baby as she could.  We decided to dress her in some cute clothes that weren't hospital issued and we discussed the name.

I told her I loved the name Lyla and "S" said, "Well, then that needs to be her name".  Paul called just a short time later and said that he was on his way and he knew what the baby's name needed to be and he would reveal it when he got there.  "S" and I were dying to find out what name he had chosen.  Once he got there, I was expecting a big reveal, but he didn't really have anything planned, so he wrote each letter on a piece of paper and we all picked the letters out of a hat.  Once it was spelled out, Paul had also chosen Lyla as the name.  It seemed like it was meant to be, so Lyla became her name.  Even though we thought naming her was hard, the next two days were about to become the hardest two days yet.

Always Meant to Be Yours

November is National Adoption Month.  To kick things off, Carter's birth mom, "E" has graciously offered to share her story.  We couldn't love her more and are so happy she is part of our family. - Alli

Always Meant To Be Yours

Carter seeing "E" for the first time since he was born. 

If you would have asked me 5 years ago if I would be sitting here writing my placement story, I would have looked at you funny because I never wanted to be a mother. I did what I wanted and I made plenty of mistakes. I loved going out with my friends and didn’t have a care in the world. All of that quickly changed for me and now I want nothing more than to be a mother. I won’t get into the details about how I got pregnant because I am sure everyone has heard how that works. After I found out I was pregnant I was in total shock. The questions “What will my parents think?” and “How can I care for this baby?” continued running through my mind. I barely made it through work that day and when I got home I still couldn’t believe it. 

I waited a day or two before I told the father. “J” was never my boyfriend, he was just a friend and I enjoyed his company. I text him and said it was very important I talk to him. He kind of blew me off but I was persistent. I finally got a reply back “Are you pregnant?” I replied “Yes, and we really need to talk” It was like word vomit, he starting sending text after text. “I can’t afford to support this child” “I thought you were on birth control”. I then realized that I would be going through this pregnancy on my own. I felt so alone at that moment but I knew I would find the strength. “J” finally came to talk to me days later. We sat on opposite sides of my bed and I just cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. He told me that I should “take care of it”, and I was offended that he would even mention abortion. I was so angry with him yet I still wanted comfort from him. He gave me a hug and held me for a minute. All I wanted to do was scream at him but I kept my composure and let him leave. I never saw “J” again. Getting some legalities taken care of was a struggle with “J” and so emotional for me. I was sure the stress would make me lose the baby but my little peanut stayed strong for me. He then willingly signed his rights over and I never heard from him again. I no longer needed contact and he didn’t want it. It was sad for me. Not only had I lost a friend but I was alone while I made one of the hardest decisions of my life. Even after placing almost 2 years ago, it makes me so upset to think that he will never see this beautiful angel and never cared enough to know him. 

But moving on; it was right around Christmas and I had to tell my parents the news. I took my Mom and Dad into their bedroom; I immediately started crying and told them I was pregnant. My Father paced the room and I saw the disappointment in his eyes. I kept telling him that I was going to place my baby for adoption. Both my parents told me I needed to really think this over. Weeks went by and a friend of a friend had heard that I was considering placing my baby. One of her old college friends in Utah was looking to adopt. I knew she would be contacting me but I just couldn’t pick up the phone when she called. She left me a voicemail with the information of the couple. I listened to it over and over. I felt emotions that I had never felt trying to decide whether I should contact them. I finally got the courage and looked at their blog. They were a beautiful happily married couple. I can’t count on one hand how many times I looked at that blog. Finally I contacted them. I didn’t know what to say but somehow found the words. There was no pressure to make a decision with them and we spent the next couple months getting to know each other. I fell in love with them immediately. I found out I was having a baby boy and I immediately sent a photo to “A”. She was so happy for me and I just couldn’t wait to tell her the news. 

On March 28^th I sat there on my couch typing an email telling them that I had made the decision to place and that I knew they could give him everything I couldn’t. I had chosen them. It was scary but I knew I was making the right decision for this precious little angel that was coming. I got the sweetest email back and I then felt a little bit of peace. I knew they were the ones. Even though I was carrying this baby I knew he was always meant to be with “P” and “A”. Months went by and I went to my weekly check up.   My doctor did my exam and told me that I couldn’t physically delivery my son and that I should schedule my C-section. My body was at wits end and they had an appointment for the next day so I scheduled it. I called my boyfriend Joshua while I drove home and he got it arranged with work. He stayed in the hospital room the whole time with me. He was my rock through this whole 9 months (It is amazing how life can bring people together). I couldn’t believe tomorrow I would meet my sweet boy. And while I was happy to meet him I also was scared. I text “A” and asked how quick could they get to Arizona? I won’t get into details but little “C” arrived on August 9^th. 

Seeing him for the first time was a moment I will never be able to recreate. I was amazed that I had created this little miracle that was lying in my arms. He was a beautiful baby. I was sitting in the room when his parents finally arrived. The joy on their faces when they saw him was beautiful but in the back of my mind it was bittersweet for me. I let “C” stay with them every night because I didn’t want to take this moment away from them. I spent as much time as I could with him and every time I looked at him I just fell in love all over again. The love a mother feels for their child cannot be described. 

The last day came quickly and it was one of the hardest days of my life. I asked my family to leave because I couldn’t handle my own emotions and be strong for them. I held my little “C” and I kept thinking. Am I going to be able to walk away? Will I be able to do this? I gave “C” one last kiss and handed him to Joshua (who now happens to be husband). I watched him place him so gently into his bed and I asked his parents to come back in. We hugged each other and just cried. It was such a beautiful moment but I felt sadness I had never felt. 

I drove home holding Joshua’s hand tight and cried the whole ride home. When I got home I sat on the couch and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. I never thought I would be able to smile again. Signing the adoption paperwork the next day gave me heartache but in the back of my mind I knew that this was the best decision for little “C”. He deserved so much more than I could give him. I received a beautiful necklace the day I signed the papers from “C”’s parents. I carry that necklace with me everywhere I go. I carry him with me everywhere I go. “P” and “A” both wrote me letters but I couldn’t get the strength to read them. When I finally did it was pure joy. Those letters reassured me that I had made the right decision. They were everything “C” needed and were going to be the best parents in the world. 

I love my open adoption and being able to watch him grow. I look at him in awe everyday and am so thankful I am a part of his life. I will probably always have good days and bad days, but seeing “C” can change that frown upside down. This experience is something completely new to me but I love everything about it. I am such a proud Birth Mother and love “C” more than I could ever describe. I am thankful for all the sadness, heartache and tears I cried. Everything was worth it because “C” is exactly where he was meant to be.

Carter and "E"'s husband.

Carter and "E"