Always Meant To Be Yours
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| Carter seeing "E" for the first time since he was born. |
If you would have asked
me 5 years ago if I would be sitting here writing my placement story, I would
have looked at you funny because I never wanted to be a mother. I did what I
wanted and I made plenty of mistakes. I loved going out with my friends and
didn’t have a care in the world. All of that quickly changed for me and now I
want nothing more than to be a mother. I won’t get into the details about how I
got pregnant because I am sure everyone has heard how that works. After I found
out I was pregnant I was in total shock. The questions “What will my parents
think?” and “How can I care for this baby?” continued running through my mind.
I barely made it through work that day and when I got home I still couldn’t
believe it.
I waited a day or two before I told the father. “J” was never my
boyfriend, he was just a friend and I enjoyed his company. I text him and said
it was very important I talk to him. He kind of blew me off but I was
persistent. I finally got a reply back “Are you pregnant?” I replied “Yes, and
we really need to talk” It was like word vomit, he starting sending text after
text. “I can’t afford to support this child” “I thought you were on birth
control”. I then realized that I would be going through this pregnancy on my
own. I felt so alone at that moment but I knew I would find the strength. “J”
finally came to talk to me days later. We sat on opposite sides of my bed and I
just cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. He told me that I should “take care of
it”, and I was offended that he would even mention abortion. I was so angry
with him yet I still wanted comfort from him. He gave me a hug and held me for
a minute. All I wanted to do was scream at him but I kept my composure and let
him leave. I never saw “J” again. Getting some legalities taken care of was a
struggle with “J” and so emotional for me. I was sure the stress would make me
lose the baby but my little peanut stayed strong for me. He then willingly
signed his rights over and I never heard from him again. I no longer needed
contact and he didn’t want it. It was sad for me. Not only had I lost a friend
but I was alone while I made one of the hardest decisions of my life. Even
after placing almost 2 years ago, it makes me so upset to think that he will never
see this beautiful angel and never cared enough to know him.
But moving on; it
was right around Christmas and I had to tell my parents the news. I took my Mom
and Dad into their bedroom; I immediately started crying and told them I was
pregnant. My Father paced the room and I saw the disappointment in his eyes. I
kept telling him that I was going to place my baby for adoption. Both my
parents told me I needed to really think this over. Weeks went by and a friend
of a friend had heard that I was considering placing my baby. One of her old
college friends in Utah was looking to adopt. I knew she would be contacting me
but I just couldn’t pick up the phone when she called. She left me a voicemail
with the information of the couple. I listened to it over and over. I felt
emotions that I had never felt trying to decide whether I should contact them.
I finally got the courage and looked at their blog. They were a beautiful
happily married couple. I can’t count on one hand how many times I looked at
that blog. Finally I contacted them. I didn’t know what to say but somehow
found the words. There was no pressure to make a decision with them and we
spent the next couple months getting to know each other. I fell in love with
them immediately. I found out I was having a baby boy and I immediately sent a
photo to “A”. She was so happy for me and I just couldn’t wait to tell her the
news.
On March 28th I sat there on my couch typing an email telling
them that I had made the decision to place and that I knew they could give him
everything I couldn’t. I had chosen them. It was scary but I knew I was making
the right decision for this precious little angel that was coming. I got the
sweetest email back and I then felt a little bit of peace. I knew they were the
ones. Even though I was carrying this baby I knew he was always meant to be
with “P” and “A”. Months went by and I went to my weekly check up. My doctor did my exam and told me that I
couldn’t physically delivery my son and that I should schedule my C-section. My
body was at wits end and they had an appointment for the next day so I
scheduled it. I called my boyfriend Joshua while I drove home and he got it
arranged with work. He stayed in the hospital room the whole time with me. He
was my rock through this whole 9 months (It is amazing how life can bring
people together). I couldn’t believe tomorrow I would meet my sweet boy. And
while I was happy to meet him I also was scared. I text “A” and asked how quick
could they get to Arizona? I won’t get into details but little “C” arrived on
August 9th.
Seeing him for the first time was a moment I will never
be able to recreate. I was amazed that I had created this little miracle that
was lying in my arms. He was a beautiful baby. I was sitting in the room when
his parents finally arrived. The joy on their faces when they saw him was
beautiful but in the back of my mind it was bittersweet for me. I let “C” stay
with them every night because I didn’t want to take this moment away from them.
I spent as much time as I could with him and every time I looked at him I just
fell in love all over again. The love a mother feels for their child cannot be
described.
The last day came quickly and it was one of the hardest days of my
life. I asked my family to leave because I couldn’t handle my own emotions and
be strong for them. I held my little “C” and I kept thinking. Am I going to be
able to walk away? Will I be able to do this? I gave “C” one last kiss and
handed him to Joshua (who now happens to be husband). I watched him place him
so gently into his bed and I asked his parents to come back in. We hugged each
other and just cried. It was such a beautiful moment but I felt sadness I had
never felt.
I drove home holding Joshua’s hand tight and cried the whole ride
home. When I got home I sat on the couch and cried until I couldn’t cry
anymore. I never thought I would be able to smile again. Signing the adoption
paperwork the next day gave me heartache but in the back of my mind I knew that
this was the best decision for little “C”. He deserved so much more than I
could give him. I received a beautiful necklace the day I signed the papers
from “C”’s parents. I carry that necklace with me everywhere I go. I carry him
with me everywhere I go. “P” and “A” both wrote me letters but I couldn’t get
the strength to read them. When I finally did it was pure joy. Those letters
reassured me that I had made the right decision. They were everything “C”
needed and were going to be the best parents in the world.
I love my open
adoption and being able to watch him grow. I look at him in awe everyday and am
so thankful I am a part of his life. I will probably always have good days and
bad days, but seeing “C” can change that frown upside down. This experience is
something completely new to me but I love everything about it. I am such a
proud Birth Mother and love “C” more than I could ever describe. I am thankful
for all the sadness, heartache and tears I cried. Everything was worth it
because “C” is exactly where he was meant to be.
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| Carter and "E"'s husband. |
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| Carter and "E" |
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