Let's Get Real

Written by: Brianna

I can't believe I haven't even taken the time to announce this beautiful BOY that we welcomed into our family on June 8th!!

Allow me to gush for a moment before I take the time to explain why it's taken me seven weeks to show this beautiful boy off.  We are so excited to try our hand at all things boy.  New clothes, toys, activities (kinda, we encourage our girls to try a little of everything), and experiences are all in store for our future.  Some sooner than others considering how many times I've been peed on. ;)  I'm continually amazed at the simplicity that is boy world, and I'm grateful to be a member.  But most of all we are beyond grateful to have another healthy, living baby as part of our family.

That being said is why this next part is so hard.  Four kids is a lot!  It's a herd, an entourage, a circus, and it's life altering (in my humble opinion).

We never thought we would have this many children to raise, and it is stretching my capacity mentally, emotionally, and physically.  Also, news flash I am older this time around.  Not to mention older than I ever "planned" to be while dealing with sleep deprivation, losing baby weight, feeding schedules coupled with taxi schedules, multitasking on crack (meaning extreme multitasking... I'm not on crack), and the looming thought of going back to my part time job with my two littlest littles in tow.  Add this on top of the massive amounts of guilt I feel for not being the mom to my big kids that I once was, not counting my blessings every minute, and not taking in this grand finale/encore baby... and well, I cry every. single. day.

Now that I have you all worried, including my husband who gently informed me last night that he worries I'm headed for a Britney Spears type melt down.

Know that I can do this (I'm telling myself that too).  I can and have done harder things.  I have seen screens with no heartbeat.  I have labored numerous hours to hear no cry.  I have laid two babies in their final resting place.  I have cried buckets of tears to where there is nothing left to come out.  I have felt a literal physical ache from having a broken heart.  This is nothing compared to that.  And I refuse to let being overwhelmed and my mommy guilt get the best of me.

Hopefully this gut check moment has not soured too many.  I know there are so many who ACHE for the stress I am feeling.  I am also hopeful that there are enough of you that can relate to where I am at too.  So here's to reaching down deep inside my soul and pulling out some of that amazing perspective that through my losses I was able to gain.  Here's to to remembering what matters and letting go of some of the excess.  Here's to stretching and growing so I can hopefully become the person our Heavenly Father intends for me to be.  Here's to motherhood, the good, the bad, the ugly, and the fulfilling.  Here's to being REAL.

"Are you going to have anymore?"

Written by Brianna

"Are you going to have anymore?"  

"Are you finished?"

"Are you going to have another baby?"

"Are you going to try for a boy?" (This one is the worst!)

What do all these questions have in common?  I get asked one of them in some form or another on almost a weekly (okay maybe monthly) basis.  I know people really want to know where I/we stand on this important life altering decision, but no question(s) gives me more anxiety than this one.  We are talking my stomach instantly cramps and aches, my heart races, my mouth goes dry, and my mind races kind of anxiety.  It's a familiar feeling considering it's how I spent my entire last pregnancy.

I realize this is a bit of an over reaction to such a common question, but I chalk it up to the PTSD of my whole situation.  I do not resent anyone for asking.  I know family, friends, and acquaintances really are curious about such things, and I can't blame them.  I would be too.  I just feel completely inadequate to answer such a loaded question.

For us choosing to have another isn't just about welcoming a new member to our family.  It's not just about finances, room in our home, or capability to provide love and attention.  It is about choosing to accept the consequences that come with it.  Anxiety ridden pregnancy full of panic attacks.  Merely functioning for my children instead of being the mom they deserve.  The strain put on my poor husband and mother when said panic attacks become too much for me to carry alone.  The real possibility of delivering another still baby, and laying them to rest.

Now bear with me as I digress a little.  Today is my 32nd birthday, and I thought a little picture timeline would be fun and informative.  Thanks for indulging me. :)

Me on my 22nd birthday an entire decade ago.  Yikes.  Anyways, I had been married for a little over a year and a half, and was yet to become a mother.  In my head if I stayed on schedule I could have the three children Nate and I wanted before I turned the dreaded thirty.  You know, because you are old and decrepit once you hit thirty, and heaven forbid I turn into one of those "old moms".  None the less I still love this picture.  I love the naivety and innocence that it represents.  Oh you silly, silly young twenty-something. 

  

Me roughly thirty-six weeks pregnant with my first baby girl.  I LOVE this picture, because I still loved every part about being pregnant... chubby face and all. :)

Now this is one of my favorite pictures ever... me with my newborn baby J (my second baby).  I remember little about J as a baby, due to her and M only being two years apart.  I do remember when Nate would say that he was probably good with just the two, I would tear up just thinking how I was not done.

Next we have me about ten weeks pregnant with our third baby, Demree.  I was still not telling people, and I was sick this time around.  I was getting fat fast, but I was excited that life was on track.  We were on our way to our third and final baby.  I was sure of it. 

Then came Demree

Then came Alex

Two years ago I was celebrating my 30th birthday, and was roughly nine weeks pregnant with Rainbow Baby A.  Nothing makes you want to leave your twenties like a couple traumatic years.  I was so incredibly hopeful, and so petrified at the same time.

Rainbow Baby A.  Our fifth daughter.  Have you ever seen anything more beautiful ever??

So I guess that brings us back to the original question at hand, "Are you going to have another?"  And the honest answer is that we have put a giant pin in that thought for later.  We are enjoying what we have.  Our hearts swell that our big girls are choosing to share a room still, because they are each other's security whether they want to admit it or not.  We love sneaking in (more like racing in to be first) to Baby A's room at night for one last stroke of her hair and cheek, and hoping she wakes up for a cuddle.  We love how refreshing it is to just worry about frivolous things.  We love being happy.

No we don't get the luxury of feeling like everyone is here, because everyone is not... nor will they be in this life.  That is an ache I am learning to live with.  We also acknowledge that Nate and Brianna of old would have stuck to the original plan, because that's what we do... but the Nate and Brianna of new realize that our plan is not always THE plan.  Perspective is such a priceless gift.  We appreciate each of these little creatures for the miracles that they are. It is with that sentiment, and a heart full of gratitude that I celebrate being a thirty something mom... thirty-two to be exact. :)

Grateful

Written by Brianna

Two nights ago I was asked to share some of my experiences at our church during a women's activity.  The meeting was focusing on trials and hardships, how everyone struggles with different things, and how our Heavenly Father loves us regardless.  While I was honored to be asked I was equally petrified.  Writing your experiences for everyone to read is entirely easier than getting up in front of people and speaking about them out loud (at least for me).  Luckily I was able to make my thoughts audible, and I can only hope I got the message across I was trying to.

I have to admit that I feel incredibly blessed to be at a place in my journey to be able to take on such a task.  It has been a long time coming, and a mostly up hill battle... BUT I have done it.  I KNOW I can do hard things.  I am a survivor.  Now this is not an invitation to the Lord to "bring it", but more of my way of showing gratitude for such opportunities.

That's right.  I am grateful for my heartache.  I am grateful to know the bitter from the sweet.  I am grateful to be able to recognize miracles when I see them.  I am grateful for the family dynamic that I am able to have, including the daughters I have yet to know.  A family in which I know I wouldn't have if life would have remained on it's uneventful path.  I am grateful for the perspective I have gained, and because of this perspective the kind of mother I have become.  I loved and appreciated my children before we lost our babies, but no where near the way I do now.  This perspective has also allowed be to realize that problems and struggles I used to think were a big deal really are not, and I am constantly trying harder to relish the seemingly insignificant moments with my littles.

Know that I have lots of room for improvement when it comes to living in the moment, and I still whine with the best of them.  But I am grateful for the small glimpse of the eternal perspective through Heavenly Father's eyes, and how humbling it can be.  I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who loves me enough to give me far bigger trials than I ever thought I could handle, and for a loving Savior who helps me with the growing pains.