Memorial Ceremony for the Twins

Written by Rachel

Three days after we found out we were probably having a miscarriage, the hospital held their annual memorial for all the stillborns lost that past year who were buried in the nearby cemetery. They had just had the previous ceremony a week or two prior to the birth of Maddox and Sampson, so we barely missed it and had to wait almost a whole year before the twins were finally honored there.

It was a heavy weekend for me. We had the opportunity to honor and remember our angel boys, and at the same time, I knew I was carrying another little piece of our family that wasn't going to make it, either. My heart felt like it had weights wrapped around it, pulling it to the floor, and wherever I walked, I was just dragging the weight behind me like a shadow filled with cement. I had hoped with all my might that by the time this ceremony came, we would be preparing to welcome a new member to the family.  I had hoped I would finally be close to using the new car seat cover I had bought when I found out we were having twins. I wished I was 50 pounds heavier and that my feet were swollen beyond recognition. But once again, my tear-filled eyes were the only things swollen.

The ceremony was held in the cemetery.  It was different than I expected, but the sentiment was there and I greatly appreciate the people who cared and put it together.  We had family members there showing their love and support. As I read the boys' names out loud during the ceremony, it reminded me how real they are.  It was a nice day to reflect on how lucky we are to be the parents to Maddox and Sampson.  Even though they were only here for a moment, they are forever a part of me, for which I am eternally grateful.

^^luckily the ceremony wasn't short of entertainment, er, bugs for this kid ^^

It seems like I can describe a lot of my recent experiences as bitter sweet, and this was no exception. Honoring my lost babies and preparing to lose another one that same week definitely played with my emotions. I was still holding on to that minute chance that my next ultrasound would magically show a healthy, growing baby, but I was also bracing myself for the worst, a skill I feel like I could now confidently put on a resume.

Here We Go Again

First comes love, then comes marriage, then come the babies and the miscarriage.  I'm really glad those aren't the real words to that little ditty.  That makes life sound a bit bleak.  But they are the words that make up my song.  I was incredibly excited when Harper joined our family, thrilled to find out when we were having twins, crushed when Maddox and Sampson didn't make it, and then anxious for the day I would find out we're pregnant again.

It didn't happen immediately, and that freaked me out a bit.  Harper and the twins weren't any trouble at all, and then after the 6 months after delivering the boys like my doctor had recommended waiting (even though we cheated), still nothing was happening.  A couple months after that, I went in for a sonohysterogram to see if there was any scar tissue from the delivery of the twins (I was worried the struggle to scrape the placenta out and the emergency curettage might have left some damage).  This procedure is basically an ultrasound where they fill the uterus with dye to check to see if I had scar tissue buildup that was preventing me from getting pregnant.

As soon I as walked into the office, the nurse had me take a pregnancy test first to make sure I wasn't pregnant ("Oh good, looks like you're NOT pregnant!"), and then I was led into the room.  During the procedure, the fertility specialist said everything looked good.  There was no scar tissue and he didn't see anything that looked wrong.  He gave me some fertility pamphlets and papers, and as I prepared to leave the office, he said "A lot of people get pregnant the month they have this procedure, because it kind of flushes and clears everything out, so..."  Finally, a reason to have some hope!

In a weird way, I was almost hoping that the doctor HAD found some scar tissue so that I would have some possible explanation as to why I wasn't getting pregnant yet so I could actually do something about it, but it was also reassuring that they couldn't find anything that looked to be preventing me from getting pregnant.  And I was excited that my odds were up this month and we might finally see the double lines on the stick again.  And what do you know...a few weeks later and we were prego!  Happy day!

It is a totally different experience finding out you are pregnant after you've had pregnancy loss.  You want to feel excited, but at the same time, the anxiety and nervousness seem to sweep over you, and any time that excitement creeps in, the worry overpowers it and completely squashes it.  At least that's how it was for me.   I think it's a defense mechanism.  I didn't want to have that overwhelming joy that I had when I was pregnant with the twins because I didn't want to feel the complete heartbreak if something happened again.  I needed to keep some sort of wall up this time so I would be somewhat prepared to deal with any non-welcome surprises.   It's unfortunate really, because it should be an exciting time.  I wish I had the desire to start putting the new baby's room together.  I wish I wanted to start figuring out what names I love and how it sounds with our last name.  I wish that I wanted to run into Harper's room and tell her she is going to be a big sister (I had actually bought her a shirt earlier that said "big sister" on it because I was convinced she would be able to wear it within the next year).  But I didn't.  I couldn't.  I was too scared that it would all be for nothing again.  So I decided to wait.

No 'Big Sister' shirt just yet, so the Ute jersey had to do

Not a week had gone by when I started to bleed on and off.  And it was the day my family was headed out of town for Labor Day weekend.  The timing was awful.  I called my doctor's office and the nurses had me hurry in for a Rhogam shot because of the RH factor in my blood.  After discussing my symptoms, they determined it was possible I was having a miscarriage (or I could just be spotting) but I could still go on my trip and then take another pregnancy test the day I got back to see if it still showed I was pregnant.  I tried to enjoy our vacation as best as I could with the question of my pregnancy always on my mind.  We all had a great time, but as soon as I got back, I anxiously took the test and saw 'positive' again.  I was so relieved!  I called the doctor's office again and they scheduled my first official OB appointment with my doctor for a couple weeks later.

Our ham and cheeser heading out on our trip

Again, I didn't want to get too excited, especially now that I had some doubt planted in my head.  My doctor found out that I was scheduled for the appointment and he had heard about what had happened, so he called me and told me to just sneak in and see him for a quick ultrasound before I came in for an official visit so we could take a look and just make sure everything was ok.  I was babysitting my sister-in-law's kids for 10 days at their house around this time, so I arranged to have my husband come over early in the morning to take over and I headed to the hospital where my doctor was going to meet me.  I was nervous the whole drive in.  I had butterflies (not the good kind) and my hands shook a little bit as I walked into the dark ultrasound room.

I sat staring at the monitor as my doctor moved the ultrasound wand around, and when he finally found something, I knew again that it wasn't good.  My doctor showed me where my baby was (or should have been), but he said it wasn't measuring where it should.  I was 7 weeks, but it was only measuring at 5.  He said there should have been more development at that point.  I released a huge sigh as tears once again filled my eyes as he said the words, "I don't think this one is going to work out."  My doctor put his arms around my shoulder and told me how sorry he was as I walked out into the empty halls.  He wanted me to come back for one more follow-up ultrasound a week later because he wanted to be 100% sure before we went forward with removing it from my body, which I appreciated.  I still wanted to believe that there was a tiny chance something might change in the next 7 days, but deep down I knew...I was having a miscarriage.

If At First You Don't Succeed…. Try Try Again!

     My life hasn't gone completely as expected. I thought being a mom would happen easily, but it hasn't. Pregnancy is a crazy thing! We may not ever know why it works for some and others it doesn't, or how one day after years of trying it finally does work. After each of my pregnancies I've thought that I had figured out what I needed to do in order for me to get pregnant quickly the next time, because honestly when it comes to growing my family I am not the most patient person! But even with me, all my pregnancies have been achieved with different methods. Over the past years I have been pregnant six times! And none of them have been normal "just get pregnant and have a baby" pregnancies.

     I have been very nervous about sharing my infertility story publicly. I knew this would be a special and incredible thing for each of us to share our stories with others, I just didn't really know where I fit in. Infertility is defined as failure to achieve pregnancy after 12 months or more, which I do fall into that category with most of my pregnancies. But I do have two children, and its hard not to feel guilty when there are couples out there that are still struggling to bring one baby into their lives or have been trying to for a lot longer than I have. I don't want to seem ungrateful for the two children that I have been blessed with. I am incredibly grateful for them! Probably even more so now that I know I may not bring another baby home. My boys are my life. I can not imagine going through this past year without them. They have been there to cheer me up when I'm feeling discouraged and to distract me when I'm waiting for results. I know that my family is not complete and I don't think I will get rid of that feeling until I either have another baby, or know that I have done everything I possibly can do to at least try to achieve that. It's hard when you are not the one that gets to decide when your family is complete.  

      I've gone back and forth as to where  I should begin sharing my experiences with infertility. For being completely "normal" and healthy, I do have a pretty thick medical folder. But I decided to start with where I am at now. In about a month I am going to be starting my third round of IVF (in vitro fertilization). 

     This past January we found out that our second round of IVF was a success! I was so excited and it was such a relief to have gone through the whole IVF process and to have had it actually work this time. It was crazy to think that after 23 months of negative results, we finally got our positive. Our baby was due September 27th!

Baby at 7 Weeks

      I still tried not to get my hopes up, since I have miscarried in the past, but at that moment I was pregnant with a healthy baby that had a healthy heartbeat. I honestly felt this was the time. After so many negative outcomes over the past year, I thought there was no way anything would go wrong. Sadly, at almost 10 weeks we miscarried. Its still hard to think back to that morning, waking up and knowing something was wrong. I immediately called my Dr's office, I could barely get the words out that I believed I was miscarrying. They told me not to worry just yet because some of the medications do cause the same symptoms I was having, but I knew. I hurried into my Dr's office and it was confirmed that the baby no longer had a heartbeat. I still remember looking at our baby on the screen and her telling us that she could not find a heartbeat. I was devastated. I can't even describe the disappointment I felt. After trying everything we could think of for the past couple of years to get pregnant and then to finally have it happen, then to have it taken away was really discouraging to me. 

     We talked with my Dr about what now needed to happen with this pregnancy and where this left us. Since this was my third miscarriage, it was now a huge concern. She wanted to test the fetus to see if that's what was causing me to miscarry and then depending on that outcome, if we wanted, we could try another round of IVF as soon as I felt emotionally ready. 

     I like to think that I move on from things pretty quickly. I have a few days where I am upset and then I get back on the wagon. But this time it hit me hard. It seems completely unfair to have to deal with failed procedure after procedure, but to also have to worry about miscarrying if I do get pregnant. I feel like I am fighting so hard for something and trying everything I can think of to do, that others don't seem to have a hard time achieving at all. Its been hard. Its difficult for me to accept the possibility that we may not have another baby. 

     Its been a little over a month since my miscarriage. We recently found out that our baby we lost was perfect and healthy. Like I said earlier, I am "normal" and healthy. I've had extensive testing done over the past six months that has all come back normal. So while it makes me happy that there are no real problems, it also means there is nothing for us to fix or really change to increase our chances. Now all we can do is TRY again and HOPE for the best. My Dr is going to try a couple procedures in April that will hopefully help us get positive results when we make our third attempt at IVF in May. While I am not excited for our third round of IVF (it really is quite the process), I am grateful for the opportunity to at least be able to try again. My heart goes out to any of you that are are hoping for a child. I'm right there with you.