Lyla's Story - Part 2

Written by Alli

"S" was set to be released from the hospital on Saturday afternoon.  She asked her friend to come get her and take her home.  Unfortunately, her friend was unable to do so.  I offered and was more than happy to be the one to take her home.  She was ready to go around 5:00.  We had spent all afternoon together with Lyla, and she had been able to spend some time alone with her.  There was such a feeling of emptiness watching her place Lyla in the hospital bassinet, getting into the wheelchair and leaving the hospital.  There were many tears shed and lots of hugs.  It was so different from when Carter's birth mom left the hospital.  After she left, we were able to break down and cry for quite awhile, but since I was "S"'s support system, I had to stay strong for her.  She needed her medication, so we went and got that and then I took her home where I stayed with her for over an hour waiting for her friend to come get her and take her home with her.  I really enjoyed that time.  We got to talk uninterrupted and "S" opened up about things that had happened in her life.  I am so thankful for our open adoption and to be able to call her not only my friend, but also family.

My absolute favorite picture of "S" and Lyla.  Truly captures her love for her baby.

Lyla had to stay one more day in the hospital, so Sunday was a fun day filled with family and friends.  We loved being able to show her off and reality was starting to set in that we might actually be able to call this little girl ours.  "J" was also able to spend a couple hours with Lyla and we loved being able to spend that time with him.  The time from "S" leaving the hospital until Monday morning was the longest and hardest time.  So many negative thoughts and so much fear started to set in.  We hoped for the best, but for those 24 hours, Lyla still wasn't ours.  She was in our home, and we were taking care of her, but she was not ours.  "S" had a rough night that night and was getting some negative feedback from family members about the adoption.  I sent an encouraging text letting her know how many prayers were being said on her behalf and we texted much of the night.  She was so strong and told me she was so glad she found us and that she knew the adoption was meant to be.  It never ceases to amaze me how strong these women we call birth mothers are.

Our first "unofficial" night as a family of four

The next morning was awful.  There is no other way to describe it.  I was going to the courthouse to meet "J' and "S" and support them while they signed papers.  I took one last picture of me and Lyla in case it was the last time I got to be her mom.  I just didn't have peace and I was filled with confusion.  Both "J" and "S" had been wonderful the past 3 days, but the situation was still so tense and filled with uncertainty.  I loved these two wonderful birth parents and I prayed they would do what was best for Lyla, whatever that may be.

It was a quiet 30 minute drive to the courthouse.  Paul dropped me off and went to drive around with Carter and Lyla.  I walked into the courthouse and there they were.  "J" and "S", were sitting on a bench with our attorney between them, going over the paperwork.  They both had tears in their eyes and they looked very somber.  I interrupted the attorney so I could hug them both.  I was crying and couldn't hug them tight enough.  Then the courtroom doors opened and they were ushered inside.  My attorney asked me to stay out in the hall, so I sat on a bench where I was trying not to cry.  Thankfully, "S"'s caseworker was with her and was updating me throughout the process.  When she sent me the text that said, "They signed.  Lyla is yours forever", I couldn't hold back the tears.  It was so hard to breathe and I honestly couldn't believe that little girl was ours.  I was crying for the heartache that "J' and "S" were going through and praying fervently that they would have peace in their hearts.  When they came out, there was more hugging and crying.  I wanted to make sure they knew this wasn't goodbye.  Lyla would know them.  She would know their love for them always and they would be a part of her life.

"J' followed me to our car so he could see Lyla and we told "S" we'd meet up with her in an hour.  We were in Idaho for a couple more days and were able to see "J" and "S" a couple more times.  I love open adoption.  I love that "J" and "S" are able to not only know Lyla through pictures, but through spending time with her.  I love that Lyla has this huge support system that isn't just made up of mine and Paul's families.  She has "J' and "S"'s families as well.  With all the heartache and difficulty that came with Lyla's adoption, we feel so blessed to have her as part of our family and to have "J" and "S" as part of our family too.  The Lord is in control.  He knows what we need.  He loves us and He answers our prayers.......in His timing, not ours.  We couldn't be happier to be a family of four!

Lyla's Story Part 1

I figured it was time to finally tell Lyla's story.  "S" thought for sure she would deliver early, and we even had a false alarm, but she still didn't come.  Although she wasn't due until December 9th or 10th or somewhere around there (I can't remember!), the doctor decided to induce her the day after Thanksgiving.  This worked out well for us since we would be in Idaho already to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family.

"S" was supposed to be induced at 6:00 a.m. Friday morning.  Paul and I were up bright and early and nervous as could be, but we kept getting texts from "S" that the induction was being pushed back.  She was finally told to go up around 10:00 a.m. She asked us not to come until they actually induced her, so there was more waiting.  We got the call at 12:30 that she had been started and had her epidural.  We were eating lunch so we finished lunch, kissed Carter good bye and made the 30 minute drive to the hospital.  We got there at 1:38.  The nurse was in there and I asked how "S" looked.  She said, "Everything looks good and we'll check here again around 3:00".

Just a few minutes later, the nurse said she was going to go ahead and check her now and could we step out in the hall.  Paul and I went out in the hall and another couple of minutes later the nurse came running out and said "S" was at a 9!  Things started happening really fast after that.  Paul stayed in the hall and I went inside to be with "S".  I stood on the left side of her and the doctor told her to push.  I helped hold her leg and just 3 short pushes later, our little girl was born at 2:02 p.m.  Just 24 short minutes after we arrived. I was the lucky one who got to cut the cord and then they layed her on "S" and let her hold her before they whisked her off to be cleaned.  That moment, where two mothers are joined as one, is a moment that is indescribable.

I was torn between wanting to hold "S"'s hand and wanting to make sure the baby was ok.  Her caseworker was there (she's a little bossy :)) and told me to go be with the baby.  I went over and held her little hand while the hospital staff did what they did.  She was perfect and she was beautiful.  I was trying really hard to hold back my emotions and not get attached, but it was very difficult.  It was such an amazing experience to be there with "S" as she delivered that sweet little girl and it was definitely impossible not to get attached.  Because of the situation, Paul and I were still very unsure if we would be coming home with that little girl and because of it, we were trying to shield our hearts.

We spent some time visiting with "S" and then the birth dad, "J" came up and spent some time with the baby as well.  Everyone kept asking us for a name, but we hadn't decided on one yet.  "S" didn't have a great support system, so there was really only Paul and I and her caseworker at the hospital.  We spent almost every moment together in the hospital.

"S" had a friend with her that first evening, so we told her we were going to grab dinner and she could spend some alone time with the baby.  She would never ask us for that time, so we tried to do what we thought was right and anticipate what she might need.

Paul and I went to grab dinner and we tried to agree on a name, but it was much harder than I thought.  I was so tired and emotionally drained and we finally got to the root of why we couldn't choose a name.  We were both so scared that we wouldn't be bringing this little girl home, that we didn't want to name her.  Naming her would be the final attachment to her that we weren't ready to give in to yet.  We just couldn't do it.  We decided to sleep on it and discuss it in the morning.   Paul went home to stay with Carter and I spent the first night in the hospital with the baby alone.

When I woke up, I went to see "S" right away so she could spend as much time with the baby as she could.  We decided to dress her in some cute clothes that weren't hospital issued and we discussed the name.

I told her I loved the name Lyla and "S" said, "Well, then that needs to be her name".  Paul called just a short time later and said that he was on his way and he knew what the baby's name needed to be and he would reveal it when he got there.  "S" and I were dying to find out what name he had chosen.  Once he got there, I was expecting a big reveal, but he didn't really have anything planned, so he wrote each letter on a piece of paper and we all picked the letters out of a hat.  Once it was spelled out, Paul had also chosen Lyla as the name.  It seemed like it was meant to be, so Lyla became her name.  Even though we thought naming her was hard, the next two days were about to become the hardest two days yet.

Thankful for YOU

I know I still haven't written Lyla's birth story yet.  It's been difficult to put into words.  Her adoption was so different from Carter's.  But I'm working on it and it is coming.  However, I felt a need today to write about something else.

I wrote the below post on July 2, 2014, but never shared it because it was just too raw.  

We started our adoption paperwork last August to begin bringing home baby #2.  There are reasons we started the work, but as of today, still haven’t finished it.  There wasn’t an urgency.  I didn’t feel that we needed to hurry.  This past year has been rough.  We’ve had to deal with Paul getting laid off, starting his own business, being sued by his previous employer (what a mess!), having our agency stop doing adoptions, losing one of my biggest clients for reasons that weren’t my fault and other stressful events.  It made me discouraged to even think about finishing the paperwork for baby #2.  But a few weeks ago, I was in my car just having a talk with my Heavenly Father.  When I say talk, I kind of mean, yelling, because let’s face it, I was angry.  Things were just too hard.  Too many trials had been thrown in my way and I was wondering when the blessings would start.  As I was driving and crying and yelling (kind of a scary combination), I got the very distinct feeling that we needed to finish our adoption paperwork as quickly as possible.  I stopped mid yell, because I was confused.  How could I even have had that feeling while I was yelling?  So I continued yelling and told my Heavenly Father that I would move forward with faith and just trust that He would provide.  Then I promptly apologized and asked for forgiveness for my poor attitude.  Oh yeah, and for the yelling.

Ever since then, I have been baby hungry.  Like, cry every time I see a baby and can’t stop thinking about our future child.  Hope has been restored.  Faith that we will be able to adopt again has come back.  I feel very strongly that our baby is out there and we need to find her.  I feel like it’s a girl, but both Paul and I thought Carter was a girl and obviously he wasn’t. J  It feels good to have something to look forward to, something positive amidst all the strife.  It’s a great feeling to know that my Heavenly Father is looking out for me, even when I am doubting his timing.  It could take years for us to find our baby, or it could take months, but I’m hopeful and I’m faithful, and I know the Lord will provide.

We were contacted by Lyla's birth mom just 5 short weeks later.  Paul and I were terrified.  We weren't sure how we were going to be able to cover the costs of the adoption.  We had already been living on savings for almost a year and our account had dwindled to almost nothing.  But we knew we were supposed to pursue this.  We moved forward with faith (again!), and once again the Lord provided.  He sent us YOU.  He sent us loving, caring friends and family that wanted to be a part of bringing Lyla home.  We could not have done this without you.  We are forever indebted to all the individuals who wanted to help.  Every time we look at Lyla, we are thankful for you.  Asking for help is one of the hardest things we have ever had to do.  It isn't something Paul and I are used to doing.  But we would do it again in a heartbeat, because it brought us our little girl.  It helped bring Lyla June home.

Always Meant to Be Yours

November is National Adoption Month.  To kick things off, Carter's birth mom, "E" has graciously offered to share her story.  We couldn't love her more and are so happy she is part of our family. - Alli

Always Meant To Be Yours

Carter seeing "E" for the first time since he was born. 

If you would have asked me 5 years ago if I would be sitting here writing my placement story, I would have looked at you funny because I never wanted to be a mother. I did what I wanted and I made plenty of mistakes. I loved going out with my friends and didn’t have a care in the world. All of that quickly changed for me and now I want nothing more than to be a mother. I won’t get into the details about how I got pregnant because I am sure everyone has heard how that works. After I found out I was pregnant I was in total shock. The questions “What will my parents think?” and “How can I care for this baby?” continued running through my mind. I barely made it through work that day and when I got home I still couldn’t believe it. 

I waited a day or two before I told the father. “J” was never my boyfriend, he was just a friend and I enjoyed his company. I text him and said it was very important I talk to him. He kind of blew me off but I was persistent. I finally got a reply back “Are you pregnant?” I replied “Yes, and we really need to talk” It was like word vomit, he starting sending text after text. “I can’t afford to support this child” “I thought you were on birth control”. I then realized that I would be going through this pregnancy on my own. I felt so alone at that moment but I knew I would find the strength. “J” finally came to talk to me days later. We sat on opposite sides of my bed and I just cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. He told me that I should “take care of it”, and I was offended that he would even mention abortion. I was so angry with him yet I still wanted comfort from him. He gave me a hug and held me for a minute. All I wanted to do was scream at him but I kept my composure and let him leave. I never saw “J” again. Getting some legalities taken care of was a struggle with “J” and so emotional for me. I was sure the stress would make me lose the baby but my little peanut stayed strong for me. He then willingly signed his rights over and I never heard from him again. I no longer needed contact and he didn’t want it. It was sad for me. Not only had I lost a friend but I was alone while I made one of the hardest decisions of my life. Even after placing almost 2 years ago, it makes me so upset to think that he will never see this beautiful angel and never cared enough to know him. 

But moving on; it was right around Christmas and I had to tell my parents the news. I took my Mom and Dad into their bedroom; I immediately started crying and told them I was pregnant. My Father paced the room and I saw the disappointment in his eyes. I kept telling him that I was going to place my baby for adoption. Both my parents told me I needed to really think this over. Weeks went by and a friend of a friend had heard that I was considering placing my baby. One of her old college friends in Utah was looking to adopt. I knew she would be contacting me but I just couldn’t pick up the phone when she called. She left me a voicemail with the information of the couple. I listened to it over and over. I felt emotions that I had never felt trying to decide whether I should contact them. I finally got the courage and looked at their blog. They were a beautiful happily married couple. I can’t count on one hand how many times I looked at that blog. Finally I contacted them. I didn’t know what to say but somehow found the words. There was no pressure to make a decision with them and we spent the next couple months getting to know each other. I fell in love with them immediately. I found out I was having a baby boy and I immediately sent a photo to “A”. She was so happy for me and I just couldn’t wait to tell her the news. 

On March 28^th I sat there on my couch typing an email telling them that I had made the decision to place and that I knew they could give him everything I couldn’t. I had chosen them. It was scary but I knew I was making the right decision for this precious little angel that was coming. I got the sweetest email back and I then felt a little bit of peace. I knew they were the ones. Even though I was carrying this baby I knew he was always meant to be with “P” and “A”. Months went by and I went to my weekly check up.   My doctor did my exam and told me that I couldn’t physically delivery my son and that I should schedule my C-section. My body was at wits end and they had an appointment for the next day so I scheduled it. I called my boyfriend Joshua while I drove home and he got it arranged with work. He stayed in the hospital room the whole time with me. He was my rock through this whole 9 months (It is amazing how life can bring people together). I couldn’t believe tomorrow I would meet my sweet boy. And while I was happy to meet him I also was scared. I text “A” and asked how quick could they get to Arizona? I won’t get into details but little “C” arrived on August 9^th. 

Seeing him for the first time was a moment I will never be able to recreate. I was amazed that I had created this little miracle that was lying in my arms. He was a beautiful baby. I was sitting in the room when his parents finally arrived. The joy on their faces when they saw him was beautiful but in the back of my mind it was bittersweet for me. I let “C” stay with them every night because I didn’t want to take this moment away from them. I spent as much time as I could with him and every time I looked at him I just fell in love all over again. The love a mother feels for their child cannot be described. 

The last day came quickly and it was one of the hardest days of my life. I asked my family to leave because I couldn’t handle my own emotions and be strong for them. I held my little “C” and I kept thinking. Am I going to be able to walk away? Will I be able to do this? I gave “C” one last kiss and handed him to Joshua (who now happens to be husband). I watched him place him so gently into his bed and I asked his parents to come back in. We hugged each other and just cried. It was such a beautiful moment but I felt sadness I had never felt. 

I drove home holding Joshua’s hand tight and cried the whole ride home. When I got home I sat on the couch and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. I never thought I would be able to smile again. Signing the adoption paperwork the next day gave me heartache but in the back of my mind I knew that this was the best decision for little “C”. He deserved so much more than I could give him. I received a beautiful necklace the day I signed the papers from “C”’s parents. I carry that necklace with me everywhere I go. I carry him with me everywhere I go. “P” and “A” both wrote me letters but I couldn’t get the strength to read them. When I finally did it was pure joy. Those letters reassured me that I had made the right decision. They were everything “C” needed and were going to be the best parents in the world. 

I love my open adoption and being able to watch him grow. I look at him in awe everyday and am so thankful I am a part of his life. I will probably always have good days and bad days, but seeing “C” can change that frown upside down. This experience is something completely new to me but I love everything about it. I am such a proud Birth Mother and love “C” more than I could ever describe. I am thankful for all the sadness, heartache and tears I cried. Everything was worth it because “C” is exactly where he was meant to be.

Carter and "E"'s husband.

Carter and "E"

I'm in Good Company

Written by Alli

In June, I got a call from my sister.  I was headed into my niece's dance recital, but stopped cold in my tracks when my sister said, my friend is working with a girl who is thinking of placing her baby.  I started shaking and tears streamed down my face.  I received a strong confirmation, this was going to be our next baby.  After the recital I went home to tell Paul and we worked all weekend getting our adoption blog put together so the expectant mom would have something to look at.  Then we waited.  And waited. Nothing happened.  Of course I thought she didn't like us.  I was confused.  I had received a strong confirmation we were meant to know her.  Of course, yet again, I was given a lesson in patience.

Two months later, I finally got up the nerve to ask my sister if she'd given our blog to her friend.  She said that she had and she'd find out what was going on.  My sister called back later that day and said she'd heard from her friend and she had just barely told her about us that day.  Then my sister started to give me some details about the girl and the baby.  She was telling me the due date and was about to tell me the sex, but I already knew it was a girl.  When my sister confirmed this, I started shaking and crying again.  This was yet another confirmation that this was something we needed to pursue.

Things moved really quick after that.  After a quick phone call with "S", the expectant mom, we set up a date to meet.  We texted until we got to meet, and once we met, everything was solidified.  We both felt this was right and "S" told us she wanted us to raise her daughter.  We instantly fell in love with "S" and are so glad she will forever be part of our family.

It's been a couple weeks since this whirlwind happened.  Things are rough and a little scary right now.  There have been a few hiccups and our confidence is shaken.  We're trying to hang on to faith.  These next couple months are going to be hard.  Please continue to pray for our family and for "S".  Please also pray for the expectant father.

I saw this quote and instantly connected with it.  Paul and I have been trying hard on a lot of things lately and life just seems to keep getting harder.  However, it made me feel better about our current situation, which is weird, because the quote doesn't say everything will work out.  It doesn't say, everything will be ok.  What it does say is, I'm in good company.  I consider a lot of you, "the best that have ever lived".  You've made it through dark times and become stronger because of it. We'll make it through this and hopefully at the end of this tumultuous journey, baby girl will be in our arms.

Because of Her

By Alli

This is one of my most favorite people in the whole world, Carter's Birth Mom "E".  

Because of her, I get to change diapers, and sweep the floor 14 times a day.  Because of her, I get to play trains and dinosaurs and Lego's.  Because of her I get to worry about broken bones and bruises.  Because of her I am exhausted most of the time and usually get to share all my meals.  Because of her, I get to go down slides and play in the pool.  Because of her, I get to read the same books over and over and watch Super Why countless times each week.  Because of her, all my shirts have some sort of food or slobber all over them and I never get to use the bathroom alone.  Because of her I get to tickle and kiss and chase.  Because of her, my living room floor is covered in toys and my laundry is never finished.  Because of her, I have an excuse to eat granola bars and fruit snacks.  Because of her, I get snuggles and slobbery kisses and an occasional head butt.  Because of her I get to see the world through the eyes of a child.  Because of her I have a constant shadow and friend to be with me all day long.  Because of her, I can never have a bad day because there is always a reason to smile.

Because of her, I am a mother.

Sarah's Story

Today we are so pleased to have a guest post by Sarah.  Her adoption story is incredible!  Miracles really do happen.  

Our adoption was an unplanned, unexpected whirlwind of love, joy, and happiness! My husband and I had struggled with infertility for 6 years before becoming pregnant with our youngest Riley. We had always considered adoption but at the time Mason came into our lives we were not actively pursuing it (because, with the help of a fertility doctor, I was pregnant). I was 8 months pregnant when we met Maoai (Mason's birthmom). She had just moved in with my father-in-law and mother-in-law and we were so excited to meet her. 

Maoai had come here from Samoa a short while earlier and considers my mother-in-law (who is also Samoan) her "Auntie". While visiting with Maoai, we found out that she had given birth to a little boy 3 months earlier and he was staying with another family. She told us that she wanted him to have a better life than what she knew she could offer him. We instantly felt love for this little baby of Maoai's that we had never met. The next day we met Maoai and some family members again for lunch. We enjoyed visiting with her and learning about her life. Later that afternoon, my father-in-law called and said, "Maoai wants you to have her baby!". My husband and I looked at each other with shock and we both knew that it was meant to be! We were beyond excited and emotional! 

The next day, January 7, 2013, we went and picked up our little Mason! The love that we felt the moment she placed him in our arms is indescribable! We became a family of 4 on February 26, 2013 when Riley was born! Mason and Riley are 5 1/2 moths apart and the BEST of friends! The boys will be in the same grade in school and could not look any different!  We see Maoai all the time and she is part of our family. We have enjoyed having her at all of our family parties and she has been there for all of Mason's big life events so far (his 1st birthday, the day our adoption was final, etc.)! 

We have so much love and respect for Maoai and the decision she made for Mason. We will forever be connected to her and we are so grateful that she chose to entrust us with this precious little life! We hope to be able to add to our family through adoption. Adoption has been such a HUGE blessing in our lives!

Shameless Plug :)

Written by Alli

DRUMROLL PLEASE............. Our Adoption Blog is now live!  We are actively searching for our next little one.  Here's where I need your help.  This is very important.  So important, I'm going to bold and highlight.  Please share with everyone you know so we can get the word out. As anyone who has adopted knows, it is almost always due to someone knowing someone that their baby finds their way to them.  We couldn't be more excited for Baby #2 and for Carter to get a sibling.    www.paulandalliadopt2.blogspot.com.

Paul, Alli & Carter are Hoping to Adopt!

Gifts

Written by Alli

I'm taking a different route this post.  One of the hardest things for me as an adoptive mom is coming up with perfect gifts for Carter's birth mom.  I thought it might be helpful to share what I've given for anyone looking for a perfect gift. :)

1.  Gift Basket from Bath and Body Works full of lotion, body spray, feet scrub, and socks. - We gave this to E the first time we met her.  We definitely didn't want to show up empty handed and everyone likes to smell nice.

2.  Minky Blanket - When Carter was born, we brought E flowers and a blanket from Minky Couture.  This is the softest blanket ever made and we figured she would need something to curl up with.

3.  Personalized Necklace - We gave E a necklace similar to this at placement along with personal letters.  She loves it and wears it every day.  The woman who runs the Etsy shop was amazing.  She had everything ready to go and overnighted the necklace to me after we had Carter's birth date on it, so we would have it in time for placement.  

4.  Instagram Book - We made these adorable little books from Prinstagram for Valentine's Day.  One delicious little book just full of our adorable little Carter.

5.  We sent this picture one month "Just Because".  It was fairly easy to make.  We just used a stamp pad, put Carter's hand's and feet on the ink and stamped the paper.  

6.  For Carter's one year birthday, we sent E a book of all our emails from the first time she contacted us until Carter's one year birthday.  It is one of my most prized possessions.  You can make yours here:  Memeoirs

7.  For Valentine's Day this year, we sent her a mug similar to this.  You can purchase it from Etsy here, but I figured it wouldn't be that hard to make, so I just did it myself.  I can be crafty sometimes. :)

8.  For Birth Mother's Day this year, we made a book from Shutterfly about, "A Day in the Life of Carter".  I took pictures all day of Carter, from waking up to going to bed and put them in a book.  I included everything from eating to playing to napping to bathing.  It was around 40 pages when it was finished and was a great way for E to see exactly what Carter does all day.  

These are just some of the gifts.  If you have any other gift ideas, please leave them in the comments.  There can never be enough help thinking up gift ideas.  

Kristen's Story

We found out I was pregnant on our 9^th wedding anniversary. I had a feeling before we took the test.  Despite the signs, however, it had been so many years of failing to conceive that I just simply couldn’t believe this was real. I wanted to live with the hope a few days longer without having to look at another (inevitably) negative pregnancy test; it took courage to finally take it.  

I remember watching the two pink lines immediately appear in the test window. As my husband peered in and saw my huge smile and tear-drenched face, we didn’t have to say anything. All that we had gone through on our journey radiated between our eyes.  We collapsed on the bed laughing, crying, and praying. That moment, we felt Heavenly Father’s spirit everywhere. The road had been long, but after a universe of tears and loss and triumphs we finally found ourselves in that moment. I knew it was a little girl. I had felt her with me for days.

My husband started googling pregnancy information. He did so through his tears of happiness. And I remember thinking how strange it was for us of all people to be googling something like that. We talked about me quitting work and fantasized about other plans too. We spent that day, and the entire pregnancy for that matter, in a state of bliss, shock, nervousness, and anticipation. Most of all gratitude. Gratitude above all things. 

We wanted a family as soon as we were married. We were both working and going to college, however, so we waited a few years to get started. Once I was on my way to graduate school, we figured that it was a good time to begin. When it had been 18 unsuccessful months of trying, we saw a fertility specialist. He said that since we had no health issues, we should just keep at it. Six months later, we were thrilled to discover we were finally pregnant. Those two years of infertility were tough. And yet the difficulty of those years would pale in comparison to the heartaches we would soon know after.

The pregnancy progressed wonderfully, and we found out we were having a boy. I was so proud of my growing baby bump. I was so happy to be pregnant.

At 27 weeks, I had an odd day in which I noticed that I wasn’t feeling the baby move. There was nothing else different, so I went to sleep and told myself I’d call the doctor in the morning. The doctor asked me to come to the hospital for a non-stress test the next day. I remember driving to the hospital feeling calm and confident, thinking, “wouldn’t it be crazy if were to deliver him early and we got to meet him today?” The thought that something could be more seriously wrong never even occurred to me.

The first nurse could not find a heartbeat. Her face looked troubled. My stomach started to hurt. She said, “It must be this old machine.” As she went to get another machine, and a doctor, I knew something was wrong. When my husband arrived, he took one look at my stricken face as I mouthed “they can’t find the heartbeat” and he looked as if his heart had just shattered on the floor. There was a lot of painful silence, an eternity of different people moving that wand around my stomach, all to no avail. Only silence. A doctor came into the room to confirm that our son had passed away. I was almost 8 months pregnant. I remember the doctor saying that this had happened to his sister and she had gone on to have other healthy babies, so we should try to have faith. I remember his words brought no comfort. I didn’t want to move on and have more babies—I wanted this baby!

Everything became one nightmarish blur. In one shattering moment, I was made into a completely new and utterly broken woman. Losing your child, your first child, especially one you have waited so long for, is akin to having your head and heart and soul and the floor underneath you ripped away all at once. It was the last thing in the world we ever expected. 

I’ll never forget the calm way in which the doctor explained I would have to give birth even though my son had already passed away. That sounded surreal: I would have to do THAT? My heart was pounding, my eyes ran out of tears. I developed a fever and infection, and was delirious from the emotional and physical pain. Our son was delivered about 12 hours later, weighing almost 3 lbs. and looking like a perfect angel. Seeing him was one of the best and worst moments of my life—I couldn’t believe my body had created something so beautiful! I remember that a drop of blood came out from his nose and I wiped it away gently—one of the few precious acts of motherhood I was able to perform for him. We were never able to discover the reason why he had passed.

The next few weeks became a blur of visitors, flowers and meals, funeral services, grief, and most of all, utter and complete disbelief. Those weeks turned to months and we just sort of floated along in a traumatized, grief-stricken, and numb state. We visited the temple and my husband felt my son’s spirit there, giving him peace. And me? I got angry. I went back to graduate school, disappeared into my work, and became bitter. My resentment was the only thing pushing me forward. I stopped caring for my health and simultaneously tried (desperately) to become pregnant again. I wanted to replace the pain with another pregnancy. I started to lose my faith in God, feeling like I had had my greatest dream given to me just to be cruelly ripped away. We had so much love to share with a child! It just wasn’t fair. Nothing made sense.

The worst part was we were not able to conceive again. My resentment grew. Now I see that I was running away from the grief by simply trying to get pregnant again. Even had we succeeded, the grief would have remained. There is no “replacing” a baby. Because I had developed internal scarring from the stillbirth, pregnancy became a bridge we could not cross. I was lost. We were lost. We had each other and in that sense we were happy. But we were afraid of people with kids, especially pregnant women, because it reminded us of our pain. And yet, we held on to some hope in the best way we could. Hope is a stubborn thing and a small part of us never let it go.

After a few of these limbo years, it suddenly dawned on us that we needed to let go of our past and simply fight to become parents. We got a strong feeling we should pursue adoption. It wasn’t just being pregnant again but simply being parents that mattered to us. And now I see this path was the road we were meant to take all along.

Invigorated by having a specific goal, we met with an adoption agency, took classes, saved money, prepared for a home study, and told everyone we could that we were looking for a birthmother. However, the whole process felt surreal because I couldn’t quite picture that an actual baby would be the outcome of all we were doing. I imagined we would wait for a birthmother for years. We made a profile on the agency website and poured everything into writing it (I put my English degrees to work!). And wouldn’t you know, our letter just so happened to immediately catch someone’s eye…

K found herself in a rocky relationship and (unexpectedly) expecting. She later told me that she always knew she was “carrying someone else’s baby” and adoption seemed to be a fairly clear, though not easy, choice for her to make. She contacted the agency and met with a few other couples. She said things didn’t quite feel right with the others. We got the call about meeting her and her ex (the birthdad) seven weeks after we applied for adoption! Our luck was changing. We left the meeting feeling excited, but not wanting to get our hopes up too much. But I loved K the first moment I met her.

One day later we got the call. We walked back into the agency and there was K with a baby tub filled with toys and other baby items, and there was a letter, and we knew she was about to ask us to be the parents of her baby. No words can describe the joy we felt.

We were a part of the rest of K’s pregnancy and we were there at the hospital when our son Atticus came into this world. I remember thinking that he looked too perfect to be true. He was so healthy, so ALIVE. Words cannot express the happiness we felt when, after many years of loss and infertility, grief and confusion, our son was lovingly placed in our arms. I felt pure joy, but I also felt guilty. I knew a bit about what our birthmom must be going through, and there is no worse pain than losing a child. And because I knew her pain, and because of the magnitude of the gift she was giving, I love her in the kind of way that very few people can understand. I will love her to the end of time. We left that hospital with a miracle in our arms. We were able to heal because of this incredible person, and we owe her EVERYTHING. We remain close with my son’s birthmother and she has been a very important part of our lives over the years as Atticus has grown.

 Motherhood softened me. No longer did I feel bitter. We were very proud parents and shared our adoption story with everyone we could. It felt like Atticus was meant to be part of our family all along. Our lives became busy with all things baby. We loved our son even MORE because he was adopted and because we had gone through so much to get to him. We spoiled him with love and attention, well, the whole family did, and they were happy years. Atticus did not replace our first son. He simply allowed us to see the sun again.

It had been six years since losing our first child and despite trying to conceive that entire time, we had finally let go of the pregnancy dream. And thankfully, that no longer hurt. Once in a while we thought about IVF or maybe even adopting again. We still, of course, wanted another baby and we wanted Atticus to have a sibling. But, that was another goal to pursue in the future as opposed to a bridge we couldn’t cross (which is what a natural pregnancy was to us). Funny how the deepest part of me always knew there was a little girl still to come. Funny how miracles come when you least expect them. A little girl was coming, a girl like the violets, like the spring flowers that manage to push through the frosty earth and surprise us all with the reminder that life continues on in the most difficult of circumstances. And it always will.

We both had a lot of fear. Fear that something would go wrong. And so, we prepared ourselves for the worst. We didn’t shop for baby clothes or have a baby shower. We felt deep appreciation and joy to be pregnant again at long last, but we also felt a need to protect our hearts should we lose this baby. I spent the pregnancy anxious and afraid, needing to listen to our fetal heartrate monitor constantly. I had nightmares about something going wrong. And yet each and every day, my faith slowly increased. My overwhelming fear started to turn into hope. I finally started talking about our full story with others and began to work through the grief from our past.

My husband and I knew all too well how fragile life can be. He was amazingly supportive during the pregnancy, especially because of the complex emotions involved. I couldn’t have made it through without him. The paradox of living a precarious dream was the most stressful, wonderful, weird, prolonged, joyful time in my life. But the pregnancy did indeed progress and my daughter was healthy and strong throughout. Any time I started to feel the fear, she somehow seemed to kick at that precise moment, almost as if she were saying, “I’m here mom. I’m strong and I’m not going anywhere!”

I was induced at 37 weeks (typical after one has had a stillbirth). My labor was short and intense. My husband and I kept it together pretty well up until our daughter started to go into distress and NICU equipment was brought into the delivery room. This was strange equipment I had never seen before, and it hit me how different everything was from when we delivered our first child. Once all the baby monitoring and measuring equipment was brought in, I started to get upset and it’s hard to explain why. I began weeping and saying over and over to my husband that I was scared “it” would happen again. But the wiser, stronger part of me, the part that could still hear my daughter’s perfect heartbeat on the monitor and the part of me in tune with Heavenly Father’s peaceful spirit knew everything would be okay. And it was.

After a painful labor, the doctor finally put a very slippery, white and red covered little baby in my arms and I remember feeling that this couldn’t be real, that she really was alive and we had made her from our love. She was a miracle! Her beauty and angelic perfection took my breath away. My husband and I could do little but stroke her face and cry tears of joy. She was this mysterious being that had lived in me as a theory, as a dream, and suddenly that dream had come true. We named our daughter Zoe Violet and she is now a bubbly, healthy, beautiful 6-month-old. Atticus loves his sister more than words can describe and we’ve all never been so happy.

Life doesn’t always work out perfectly as planned. The grieving process is complex, and there are no shortcuts. Life has shown me both tragedy and miracles, and I’ve learned a lot from them. I’ve learned I love my husband and he loves me and that allowed us to make it through stronger than ever. I’ve learned to have faith. And I’ve learned above all things that we are all very lucky to have found each other.

The Long Awaited Visit

Written by Alli

We had the wonderful opportunity to visit Carter's birth mom and her family in April.  It was a trip we had been planning for months and we were all so excited.  Carter's birth mom E hadn't seen Carter since he was born.  We got to Arizona late afternoon on a Friday and E was going to meet us at our hotel.  We had stopped and let Carter pick out some flowers to give her.  I had this picture in my head that she would come into our room, Carter would walk over to her with the flowers and they would hug and she would cry and we would cry.  It would be a great picture taking opportunity and the perfect first meeting.  I was delusional!  Carter was 1 1/2.  Of course that isn't what happened.  E knocked on our door and Carter ran to help me answer it.  As soon as the door opened, he took off into the hallway running as fast as he could.  So E and I were chasing him trying to catch him.  Once we were all safely back in our room, the ice had been broken and we were all laughing and hugging.  E brought her sister with her and we all just sat chatting.  Carter has an obsession with lights, so as long as E was holding him next to the light switch, he would let her hold him.

We followed E and her sister to E's house where the rest of the family was waiting so we could all eat dinner.  The rest of the family was there:  her husband, sister's, nieces, nephews, brother in law, parents, grandma and friends.  A lot of people wanting to see little Carter and smother him with love and kisses.  E gave him some stuffed animals and a bowling set so he could have something to play with.  One of the stuffed animals was a lemur and he has not let it go since she gave it to him.  He has to sleep with it every night.  It is adorable how much he loves that lemur.

One other unique thing is that Paul and E have the same birthday.  So they exchanged gifts while we were there as well.

Carter is a little explorer so he wasn't overwhelmed with all the people.  He played outside with the cousins and he played inside with the aunts.  He played with E's husband and turned lights on and off with E's mom.  We have always felt like one big extended family since the first time we met.  We are very much alike and sitting around the kitchen table with everyone talking and laughing is like second nature.  The night ended too quickly and we went back to the hotel to put Carter to bed.

The next day was E's nephew's baptism.  We got to meet more relatives and enjoy a nice lunch at E's sister's house.  This was one of my favorite parts of the trips.  E took Carter outside and was pulling him in a wagon, and running after him.  I loved seeing just the two of them together having fun.  I wish I would have taken some pictures, but I didn't want to ruin the moment.  I was watching from a distance because I wanted them to have some time alone together.  I wanted them to have memories of their own.  I know Carter is too young to really remember,  but I hope that the stories I tell will be enough for him.

That night we went to dinner with E's whole family.  Carter sat between me and E and we both helped him with dinner.  He was eating off E's plate and she was happy to let him.  I loved that moment too.  After dinner we had to say goodbye to her sister's and their families and her parents.  This was really hard for me.  I started crying and didn't want to leave.  It wasn't long enough.  The trip was too short.  They needed to be able to see Carter more.  I hated that we lived so far away from each other.  We promised we would see each other soon and then the night was over.

The next day we went to breakfast with just E and her husband.  We really felt like old friends by this point.  Breakfast was fun and we took our time talking.  While we were waiting for the food we gave E a gift.  It was letter's from our family telling her how thankful they were she placed Carter with us and how much they loved her.  We didn't want to leave her husband out, so we got him a little something too, although his wasn't nearly as sentimental.  As usual, the time went by too fast and it was time for us to make the trip back to Utah.  We managed to get some pictures before we left and they are pictures I think Carter will treasure.  As we pulled away, I started crying.  I couldn't imagine how E felt saying goodbye to her precious little boy........again.  I knew it had to be hard and I just said a quick prayer that she would be ok.

Open Adoption is hard and emotional at times, but it's all worth it.  We loved this trip to see Carter's birth mom and we wished she lived closer so we could see her more often.  We are truly blessed with the greatest birth mom.  I thank my Heavenly Father every single day for her and hope we get to see her soon.

Waiting

Written by Alli

I felt like the first part of my 30's (yep, I admit it, I'm getting old) was spent waiting....... waiting to get pregnant, waiting for test results, waiting for adoption approval, waiting to be chosen, waiting for the baby to be born, waiting for placement day, waiting to take Carter home, waiting for finalization day, and waiting for sealing day.  The adoption process is filled with waiting. For those in the adoption process, patience becomes more than a virtue, it becomes your life blood.

It helps while you're waiting to be chosen by an expectant parent to do everything you can to let others know you are hoping to adopt.  We made pass along cards and gave them to family and friends and  asked them to hand them out to everyone.  We left the cards with our credit card slip when we ate out.  We posted our blog on Facebook and asked for others to share it, which they did.  We put our profile on multiple adoption websites and were spotlighted on a few different adoption blogs.  When strangers asked if we had children, we told them we were hoping to adopt and to please think of us if they knew of any expectant parents who might be thinking of placing.  It was awkward and uncomfortable, but we knew we had to find our birth mom.  She was looking for us and we had to find her.  Doing all these things helped me feel like I was doing everything possible to find my baby.

Once you're chosen, the anxiety of waiting doesn't go away.  It just changes to a different type of anxiety.  While we were nervous that the expectant mom might decide to parent, the only thing we could do was move forward with faith and plan for our baby.  This part of the waiting was fun.  Planning, preparing, attending baby showers (so many baby showers!), decorating the nursery and buying baby stuff.  The time really did go by fast and we were lucky we had 20 weeks to prepare.  Getting ready for a baby is a lot of work!

The nursery

Waiting for placement day can be the most tiring, anxious time of your life.  Just remember, you not only love this baby, you love this expectant parent.  I knew that regardless of whether or not our birth mom chose to parent, she would still be a part of our lives.  She needed our love and understanding during the 72 hours we had until she could sign relinquishment papers.  Spend as much time with the expectant mom and the baby as she allows.  Call family and friends.  Take pictures and enjoy every minute you have with the expectant parents, baby and their family.

In our case, we had to wait for approval from Arizona and Utah to bring our baby across state lines.  This process took another 5 days.  It should have been much longer, but because we were proactive with our case, we were able to move the process along quickly.  Make sure you know the rules between states and double check with your case worker and attorney to make sure all paperwork has been filed.  We didn't have a federal background check completed and that almost cost us 2 more weeks in Arizona.  Thankfully, we both had Concealed Weapons Permits that were acceptable as federal background checks, so we didn't have to wait to do new ones.

In the state of Utah the child has to be in your home for 6 months before the adoption is final.  This waiting is the easy part.  You get to enjoy your new little baby, you're caught up in the joy of being a parent and the time flies by.  6 months passes before you know it!  Then you get to stand before the judge in another very emotional moment and proclaim your love for your child.  I know proclaim is a cheesy word, but it is the only word that seems right.

With the judge after Carter was officially declared ours

I'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, so for us what happened after the finalization was the most important part.  After finalization we were able to seal Carter to us.  Being dressed in white, kneeling across the altar from my husband in the temple of the Lord with Carter between us and being sealed together for all eternity is one of the greatest moments of my life.

With our Sealer at the Temple

I know that waiting can be hard.  I know it can make you insane.  Please know that you are not alone.  I've been though it, and countless other families have been through it.  You can do this!  You are stronger than you can imagine.  And at the other side of all the waiting is your perfect little baby.....and that baby is worth the wait.

Infertility, Pregnancy and Adoption

Terra Cooper is a mother to three beautiful kids, two biological and one adopted.  She is a writer/graphic designer for Adoption.com and an administrator for Open Adoption/Open Hearts group on Facebook.  In addition she started an online Facebook group for those in the adoption triad to share positive adoption stories and questions.  Lastly she is one of our friends.  Welcome, Terra!

My story of infertility, pregnancy and adoption has been years in the making.  Here is the short version.

   When I was 21, I was told by my doctor it would be very unlikely for me to have biological children.  If I was able to conceive, the chances of a premature birth or miscarriages would be very high.  It was devastating.  Two years later I became pregnant.  Unfortunately, at 11 weeks I miscarried.  We started to look into adoption and even started to get paperwork started to adopt a child from Haiti.  During that process I became pregnant again and delivered our first miracle son ten weeks early.  Three and a half years later we got our second miracle boy.  After ten weeks in labor/bedrest with him, my doctor advised against another pregnancy.  In my heart I knew she was right and that he would be the last child I would be able to carry.

Terra's 1st little boy

Terra's second little boy

   I knew that physically my body would not be able to carry a baby to viability and I knew emotionally I couldn't go through each day thinking I would kill my baby that day-that was harder than the physical pain.  I felt personally responsible for not being able to carry my children like other women are "supposed" to and knew if I did lose another baby because of how my anatomy was-something I couldn't control or fix, it would break me. 

    I tried to be ok with it.  I tried to feel like our family was complete, but I never felt at peace.  My husband started to feel the same way.  We both talked about adoption again and knew for certain this was the way we were supposed to complete our family.  I think because we had already tried once to start our family through adoption, it was such an easy option for us to come to terms with.  I know it wasn't that way the first time we considered adoption. 

   I feel impressed to write that if you know someone that  is struggling with infertility, please don't ever tell them, "Well you can just adopt."  Although you may mean well, it is not what you want to hear when you haven't fully grieved the loss of having a biological child.  Adoption is not easy, in any way, so "just adopt" makes it sound like it is an easy solution.  Even after an adoption, it doesn't solve the problems or feelings that come with infertility. 

   Having said all of that, I am so grateful for the opportunity we had to adopt our little girl four and a half years after our second son was born.  I completely feel with all of my being that she was supposed to come to our family through adoption.  I also feel like her birth mother was supposed to be part of our family as well and am so grateful to have her in our lives.  There is nothing easy about the adoption process, but having people who have gone through it to support you and know what you are going through helps out so much.  Adoption is bittersweet.  Adoption is a miracle.  Adoption is hard-but so beautiful too.

Terra's beautiful baby girl

Terra and her birth mom at placement

 I created a support group on Facebook for adoptive parents, birth parents and adoptees that focuses on keeping positive and being honest about our feelings.  It has been an amazing blessing to me and the people in it because we get to hear from all sides of the adoption triad and I feel like it helps us empathize with what the "other side" goes through.  There are many support groups out there for adoption and if you are part of the triad or are in the process of adoption/placing, I would recommend finding a group that can support you through the rough days, because there will be many.  There will be many days of joy and happiness as well and the miracle that adoption is, can't be denied.  I have two biological children and one adopted child-all three have come to our family by a miracle, there is no denying that.  I thank my Father every day for those three miracles in my life and still can't believe how lucky I am!!!  Wherever you are in your journey of creating your family, just remember to never give up and find people who will support and life you up!