INCONCEIVABLE: I am Loving It (and the Twins' Due Date)

Written by Rachel

Today, I'm posting another journal entry (and my last one I'd written...I am the worst journal writer ever! So I'm glad I have this blog now to help me document things...gives me the kick in the pants I need to write things down). This entry was written on the twins' actual due date. Seems like forever ago and just yesterday at the same time. And, of course, I have to include a picture overload.

April 4, 2013

Today is Maddox and Sampson’s due date. Wow. It is a weird feeling because so far, I would always think to myself how far along in my pregnancy I would have been with them, and it has kind of kept them at the forefront of my mind. But now that I am at the date where my pregnancy calculator stopped with them, it feels like there will be some sort of void, even though I will still think to myself how old they would be almost every day and look at the kids that would have been their age and wonder what could have been. But today, my feelings are hard to explain. Of course I will still think about them every day for who knows how long, and they have a permanent place in my heart and our family, but it seems surreal. I would for sure have been holding Maddox and Sampson in my arms by today. I would be feeding them every couple of hours, changing their diapers over and over, waking up at least a few times each night, trying to keep Harper happy and fed and clothed while babies cry for their own attention, and I would be loving every minute of it. I would be loving being so sleep deprived that I couldn’t remember what I ate for breakfast 2 hours ago because I had been up all night with two precious little boys needing all my time and love and attention. I would be loving trying to figure out how to load 3 kids in the car in under half an hour all by myself. I would be loving picking out little boy clothes and trying to decide whether or not to buy the twins matching sets or something different so we could tell them apart easier. I would be loving staring at their cute identical little faces and trying to figure out the features that set them apart and make them any less identical. I would be loving watching Harper sit on the couch holding each of the boys in her little lap while trying to give them hugs and kisses nonstop. I would be loving Harper helping me push the boys in their double stroller I never got to buy or helping me change their diapers or give them baths. I would just be loving everything about those two little boys. So many things I want to be doing right now with my little Maddox and Sampson.

But I guess Heavenly Father had a different plan in mind for me today. Instead of all the ‘would be loving’, I actually am loving spending every waking hour thinking how lucky I am to have Harper. I am loving hearing Harper count to ten as fast as she can, then sometimes even continuing on to twenty when she’s in the mood for it. I am loving Harper asking me to sing the ABC’s or Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and then her singing along with me. I am loving waking up every morning to Harper’s little voice chattering over the monitor and sometimes yelling ‘Mom’ as loud as she can so I know she’s ready to get out of her crib. I am loving trying to figure out what food Harper will like to eat for the day, since it seems to be changing daily. I am loving Harper asking for carrots and dip, then just sucking the dip off the carrots and eventually just sticking her face in her bowl to lick all the dip clean…forget the carrots…although she is actually starting to eat the carrots now, too. I am loving how Harper has become bossy to our dog, Millie, and will yell at her “Millie come!” or “Millie sit stay!” with such a sweet little attitude, and then scream with laughter if Millie actually listens to her and comes toward her. I am loving how Harper stands in the cart and grabs clothes off the racks at the store, holds them up, and says ‘cute!’ as she throws it into the cart and grabs the next thing she can reach and does the same thing. I am loving how much fun Harper has playing with Matt when he comes home from work and how she will sit by the laundry room door waiting for him to come inside when she hears the garage door opening. I am loving how Harper loves to play with other kids so much and yells out ‘kids!’ whenever she sees them playing. I am loving how Harper yells out ‘Amen!’ during the prayers whenever she wants it to be done, whether or not it is. I am loving how Harper points out the color of every traffic light and thinks I’m magic when I tell it to turn green and it does. I am loving that Harper knows how to say hippopotamus, among many many other things. She really is a smarty pants. I am even loving how Harper has started saying ‘dang it’, which I’ve realized she learned from me, and that she always uses it in the right context. I am loving that Harper will sit still long enough (if I give her a book or put on a movie she likes to distract her, like Tigger or Elmo or Mickey Mouse) to let me French braid her hair. I am loving how Harper rips out whatever I’ve done to her hair the second I’m not looking at her. I am loving when Harper goes to my parent’s house and gets so excited as we walk up to the door that she almost can’t contain herself, and when we walk inside, she runs in and starts yelling “Hello! Hi!”, waiting for a response from anyone there. I can’t get over how cute and precious it is to hear her yelling ‘Grandma’ or ‘Grandpa’ and searching frantically for the room she heard them reply from. It is bringing tears to my eyes just thinking about it (and how I’m going to miss it, since they are moving to ---). I am loving how Harper says Grandma --- and Grandpa ---, and how much she loves playing at their house, especially with the green chair that plays music and the towers of blocks and cups. I am loving how Harper says ‘pease’ and ‘tank you’ or ‘tanks’, even without me telling her to say it. I am loving how Harper repeats “I love you” (or, in her words, “I yuv you”), and even said it to me out of the blue on her own the other night when I was holding her in her room at night and just kept telling me over and over. I am loving how Harper will just snuggle on my shoulder the second I pick her up if she is sad or even just awake during the middle of the night. I am loving that Harper recognizes pictures of Jesus and Joseph Smith, and even the golden plates (and says who/what each of those things are…it’s so cute). I am loving how much one on one time I am getting to spend with my sweet little Harper. I guess I wouldn’t have had as much of this special time together with Harper if I was sharing it with two newborns. Even though I often wish I was sharing this time with them and am still heartbroken for them, I feel more grateful for Harper because of what has happened. She really is the light of my life. We have so much fun together and I love her to pieces.

I say all these things that I am loving about Harper right now, and it makes my heart melt just thinking about all the cute things she does every day, but I am also loving Matt. I am loving how much he loves his little family and how hard he tries to provide everything for us. I am loving how he has laughing contests with Harper and how she just adores him. I am loving that Matt has become a ‘project’ guy and wants to do tons of DIY things around the house and yard. I am loving how ambitious Matt is in his career and that he is working towards doing the things he loves to do, like consulting and anything supply chain management related. He is so smart and driven and is a great provider for our family. I am grateful that Matt is so committed to supporting our family so that I can stay at home with Harper and all the future kiddos that come along in our family. But I am also loving that Matt doesn’t value work so much that it overshadows the family. He always puts family and church first. I am loving that Matt is a worthy priesthood holder and has been able to give both me and Harper blessings over the past months. I am loving how Matt loves to play games and how competitive and honest he is in them, even though we swear he has sold his soul because he wins almost every single time and he literally has the luckiest things happen to him in every game. It’s just not right. I am loving how we see eye-to-eye with our finances and that we are both frugal and proud of it. I am loving how Matt is not afraid to grow his hair out a little or grow a beard that rivals almost any biblical character’s (even though it confused Harper for a while, as she would see pictures of Jesus at church and think it was Dad). I am also loving that he finally shaved the beard. I am loving how Matt will warm up my frozen feet every night in bed and let me snuggle up to him for warmth. I am loving that the young men in our ward enjoy having him as their first counselor, because he probably just fits right in with them. I am loving that Matt has let me pick out all three of our kids’ names, and that he didn’t insist on using his suggestions of Jethro and Tull or Napoleon and Kip for the twins. I am even loving that I can hear Matt snoring through his cold right now as he sleeps. It’s kind of endearing. Love you, Matt!

So today, in honor of it being Maddox and Sampson’s due date, my parents invited us over for dinner at their place. Before we headed over there, and while Matt was still at work, I took out our box of mementos we have of Maddox and Sampson to show things to Harper and just to help me remember all their details. Harper was too young to know what happened, and she is still a little too young, but I always try to remind her that she has little baby brothers up in heaven and we always include them in our prayers with her. I showed her the little teddy bears that the twins held in the pictures that were taken at that hospital, which she decided to claim as ‘Harpers’ and did not want to put back willingly. I looked at the little footprints stamped on each of their papers. Their tiny little feet were about the size of the tip of my pointer finger (at first I tried the tip of my thumb, but that was too long). I picked up each of their boxes that are filled with the tiny clothes and hats they were dressed in and the blankets they were wrapped in and just held my nose in them and smelled them. I didn’t wash any of their clothes or blankets when we came home because I wanted to remember their smell. Their things don’t really have much of the smell left, but I can still smell them when I close my eyes and remember. I touched the blankets and thought back about how I held each of my two boys in my arms when they were born and wrapped in those blankets and how I kissed each of their little bodies. I will never forget the short time I spent with my two precious little babies. I will never forget the smell, the feel of them resting in my hands, the overwhelming love I felt as I cradled them in my arms. I will cherish that brief moment forever.

We took some blue balloons to my parent’s house and took them into the backyard before we ate. After coaxing Harper away from the play house under the deck, we held those two balloons and let Harper release them into the sky. The balloons drifted between the trees in the backyard and floated up toward the clouds blanketing the sky. Harper had this huge smile on her face as she watched the balloons float away. She loved it. We watched as both balloons travelled higher and higher toward the heavens, and I thought about how maybe Maddox and Sampson were looking at us from Heaven, watching and waiting for their balloons to reach them. I thought about how the balloons were our way of remembering how special Maddox and Sampson are to us, our little message telling them that we won’t forget about them and that we love them so so much. It was a special moment for me. My dad got a few good pictures of the experience. They are priceless. I’m glad we did something today to remember our babies, our second and third children, Harper’s little brothers,our family.

Today was bitter sweet. I’m still sad about losing our boys, but I think this whole experience has made me stronger and has taught me valuable life lessons. I feel more empathetic to other families going through similar situations. I feel more gratitude for the things, and more importantly, the people that I have in my life. I don’t think I take as many things for granted. I have always loved Harper, but after realizing how unpredictable life is and how limited our time is on earth, I feel so blessed and honored to be able to raise Harper and be her earthly momma and my love for her is beyond what words can describe. Even though I’m definitely not perfect and sometimes (a lot of times) feel like I’m falling short of my calling and inadequate, etc., I appreciate every single little tiny moment I have with Harper and with Matt and my family and just here on earth in general. I am grateful for all that Heavenly Father has blessed me with. Hopefully Heavenly Father will trust me to raise more of His children on this earth soon! I can’t wait for the day and I pray for it continually. So, as Joseph B. Wirthlin said in a recent conference talk and as I’ve tried to learn recently, come what may and love it!

I love you, my two sweet angel babies. Love, Mom