"Are you going to have anymore?"

Written by Brianna

"Are you going to have anymore?"  

"Are you finished?"

"Are you going to have another baby?"

"Are you going to try for a boy?" (This one is the worst!)

What do all these questions have in common?  I get asked one of them in some form or another on almost a weekly (okay maybe monthly) basis.  I know people really want to know where I/we stand on this important life altering decision, but no question(s) gives me more anxiety than this one.  We are talking my stomach instantly cramps and aches, my heart races, my mouth goes dry, and my mind races kind of anxiety.  It's a familiar feeling considering it's how I spent my entire last pregnancy.

I realize this is a bit of an over reaction to such a common question, but I chalk it up to the PTSD of my whole situation.  I do not resent anyone for asking.  I know family, friends, and acquaintances really are curious about such things, and I can't blame them.  I would be too.  I just feel completely inadequate to answer such a loaded question.

For us choosing to have another isn't just about welcoming a new member to our family.  It's not just about finances, room in our home, or capability to provide love and attention.  It is about choosing to accept the consequences that come with it.  Anxiety ridden pregnancy full of panic attacks.  Merely functioning for my children instead of being the mom they deserve.  The strain put on my poor husband and mother when said panic attacks become too much for me to carry alone.  The real possibility of delivering another still baby, and laying them to rest.

Now bear with me as I digress a little.  Today is my 32nd birthday, and I thought a little picture timeline would be fun and informative.  Thanks for indulging me. :)

Me on my 22nd birthday an entire decade ago.  Yikes.  Anyways, I had been married for a little over a year and a half, and was yet to become a mother.  In my head if I stayed on schedule I could have the three children Nate and I wanted before I turned the dreaded thirty.  You know, because you are old and decrepit once you hit thirty, and heaven forbid I turn into one of those "old moms".  None the less I still love this picture.  I love the naivety and innocence that it represents.  Oh you silly, silly young twenty-something. 

  

Me roughly thirty-six weeks pregnant with my first baby girl.  I LOVE this picture, because I still loved every part about being pregnant... chubby face and all. :)

Now this is one of my favorite pictures ever... me with my newborn baby J (my second baby).  I remember little about J as a baby, due to her and M only being two years apart.  I do remember when Nate would say that he was probably good with just the two, I would tear up just thinking how I was not done.

Next we have me about ten weeks pregnant with our third baby, Demree.  I was still not telling people, and I was sick this time around.  I was getting fat fast, but I was excited that life was on track.  We were on our way to our third and final baby.  I was sure of it. 

Then came Demree

Then came Alex

Two years ago I was celebrating my 30th birthday, and was roughly nine weeks pregnant with Rainbow Baby A.  Nothing makes you want to leave your twenties like a couple traumatic years.  I was so incredibly hopeful, and so petrified at the same time.

Rainbow Baby A.  Our fifth daughter.  Have you ever seen anything more beautiful ever??

So I guess that brings us back to the original question at hand, "Are you going to have another?"  And the honest answer is that we have put a giant pin in that thought for later.  We are enjoying what we have.  Our hearts swell that our big girls are choosing to share a room still, because they are each other's security whether they want to admit it or not.  We love sneaking in (more like racing in to be first) to Baby A's room at night for one last stroke of her hair and cheek, and hoping she wakes up for a cuddle.  We love how refreshing it is to just worry about frivolous things.  We love being happy.

No we don't get the luxury of feeling like everyone is here, because everyone is not... nor will they be in this life.  That is an ache I am learning to live with.  We also acknowledge that Nate and Brianna of old would have stuck to the original plan, because that's what we do... but the Nate and Brianna of new realize that our plan is not always THE plan.  Perspective is such a priceless gift.  We appreciate each of these little creatures for the miracles that they are. It is with that sentiment, and a heart full of gratitude that I celebrate being a thirty something mom... thirty-two to be exact. :)