Challenge Accepted?

One of my favorite shows was (and still is) How I Met Your Mother.  One of my favorite characters is Barney.  He says witty things like, "Legen....wait for it.....dary", "Newer is always better", and "Suit Up".    My favorite is that no matter what someone is talking about, he will always say, without hesitation, "Challenge. Accepted".  Most of the time, there wasn't even a challenge issued, but he chose to live life saying yes.  

Today, I am asking you to embrace Barney and accept a challenge.  It is a fact that expectant parents find their child's adoptive parents most often through someone they know.  I need your help.  We can't do this without you.  Our expectant parent is trying to find us and we are trying to find her.  This is the most important thing you can do for us.  Please share our profile (www.paulandalliadopt2.blogspot.com).  It is as simple as clicking on the "Share" button on Facebook and letting all your friends see us.  Carter's birth mom was found because Paul shared our profile and one of his friends saw it.  It was that simple.  It takes 2 seconds and it could change lives......ours, our expectant parents and our future child's.  

So today, are you willing to say, "Challenge Accepted"?

Memorial Ceremony for the Twins

Written by Rachel

Three days after we found out we were probably having a miscarriage, the hospital held their annual memorial for all the stillborns lost that past year who were buried in the nearby cemetery. They had just had the previous ceremony a week or two prior to the birth of Maddox and Sampson, so we barely missed it and had to wait almost a whole year before the twins were finally honored there.

It was a heavy weekend for me. We had the opportunity to honor and remember our angel boys, and at the same time, I knew I was carrying another little piece of our family that wasn't going to make it, either. My heart felt like it had weights wrapped around it, pulling it to the floor, and wherever I walked, I was just dragging the weight behind me like a shadow filled with cement. I had hoped with all my might that by the time this ceremony came, we would be preparing to welcome a new member to the family.  I had hoped I would finally be close to using the new car seat cover I had bought when I found out we were having twins. I wished I was 50 pounds heavier and that my feet were swollen beyond recognition. But once again, my tear-filled eyes were the only things swollen.

The ceremony was held in the cemetery.  It was different than I expected, but the sentiment was there and I greatly appreciate the people who cared and put it together.  We had family members there showing their love and support. As I read the boys' names out loud during the ceremony, it reminded me how real they are.  It was a nice day to reflect on how lucky we are to be the parents to Maddox and Sampson.  Even though they were only here for a moment, they are forever a part of me, for which I am eternally grateful.

^^luckily the ceremony wasn't short of entertainment, er, bugs for this kid ^^

It seems like I can describe a lot of my recent experiences as bitter sweet, and this was no exception. Honoring my lost babies and preparing to lose another one that same week definitely played with my emotions. I was still holding on to that minute chance that my next ultrasound would magically show a healthy, growing baby, but I was also bracing myself for the worst, a skill I feel like I could now confidently put on a resume.

Because of Her

By Alli

This is one of my most favorite people in the whole world, Carter's Birth Mom "E".  

Because of her, I get to change diapers, and sweep the floor 14 times a day.  Because of her, I get to play trains and dinosaurs and Lego's.  Because of her I get to worry about broken bones and bruises.  Because of her I am exhausted most of the time and usually get to share all my meals.  Because of her, I get to go down slides and play in the pool.  Because of her, I get to read the same books over and over and watch Super Why countless times each week.  Because of her, all my shirts have some sort of food or slobber all over them and I never get to use the bathroom alone.  Because of her I get to tickle and kiss and chase.  Because of her, my living room floor is covered in toys and my laundry is never finished.  Because of her, I have an excuse to eat granola bars and fruit snacks.  Because of her, I get snuggles and slobbery kisses and an occasional head butt.  Because of her I get to see the world through the eyes of a child.  Because of her I have a constant shadow and friend to be with me all day long.  Because of her, I can never have a bad day because there is always a reason to smile.

Because of her, I am a mother.

"Are you going to have anymore?"

Written by Brianna

"Are you going to have anymore?"  

"Are you finished?"

"Are you going to have another baby?"

"Are you going to try for a boy?" (This one is the worst!)

What do all these questions have in common?  I get asked one of them in some form or another on almost a weekly (okay maybe monthly) basis.  I know people really want to know where I/we stand on this important life altering decision, but no question(s) gives me more anxiety than this one.  We are talking my stomach instantly cramps and aches, my heart races, my mouth goes dry, and my mind races kind of anxiety.  It's a familiar feeling considering it's how I spent my entire last pregnancy.

I realize this is a bit of an over reaction to such a common question, but I chalk it up to the PTSD of my whole situation.  I do not resent anyone for asking.  I know family, friends, and acquaintances really are curious about such things, and I can't blame them.  I would be too.  I just feel completely inadequate to answer such a loaded question.

For us choosing to have another isn't just about welcoming a new member to our family.  It's not just about finances, room in our home, or capability to provide love and attention.  It is about choosing to accept the consequences that come with it.  Anxiety ridden pregnancy full of panic attacks.  Merely functioning for my children instead of being the mom they deserve.  The strain put on my poor husband and mother when said panic attacks become too much for me to carry alone.  The real possibility of delivering another still baby, and laying them to rest.

Now bear with me as I digress a little.  Today is my 32nd birthday, and I thought a little picture timeline would be fun and informative.  Thanks for indulging me. :)

Me on my 22nd birthday an entire decade ago.  Yikes.  Anyways, I had been married for a little over a year and a half, and was yet to become a mother.  In my head if I stayed on schedule I could have the three children Nate and I wanted before I turned the dreaded thirty.  You know, because you are old and decrepit once you hit thirty, and heaven forbid I turn into one of those "old moms".  None the less I still love this picture.  I love the naivety and innocence that it represents.  Oh you silly, silly young twenty-something. 

  

Me roughly thirty-six weeks pregnant with my first baby girl.  I LOVE this picture, because I still loved every part about being pregnant... chubby face and all. :)

Now this is one of my favorite pictures ever... me with my newborn baby J (my second baby).  I remember little about J as a baby, due to her and M only being two years apart.  I do remember when Nate would say that he was probably good with just the two, I would tear up just thinking how I was not done.

Next we have me about ten weeks pregnant with our third baby, Demree.  I was still not telling people, and I was sick this time around.  I was getting fat fast, but I was excited that life was on track.  We were on our way to our third and final baby.  I was sure of it. 

Then came Demree

Then came Alex

Two years ago I was celebrating my 30th birthday, and was roughly nine weeks pregnant with Rainbow Baby A.  Nothing makes you want to leave your twenties like a couple traumatic years.  I was so incredibly hopeful, and so petrified at the same time.

Rainbow Baby A.  Our fifth daughter.  Have you ever seen anything more beautiful ever??

So I guess that brings us back to the original question at hand, "Are you going to have another?"  And the honest answer is that we have put a giant pin in that thought for later.  We are enjoying what we have.  Our hearts swell that our big girls are choosing to share a room still, because they are each other's security whether they want to admit it or not.  We love sneaking in (more like racing in to be first) to Baby A's room at night for one last stroke of her hair and cheek, and hoping she wakes up for a cuddle.  We love how refreshing it is to just worry about frivolous things.  We love being happy.

No we don't get the luxury of feeling like everyone is here, because everyone is not... nor will they be in this life.  That is an ache I am learning to live with.  We also acknowledge that Nate and Brianna of old would have stuck to the original plan, because that's what we do... but the Nate and Brianna of new realize that our plan is not always THE plan.  Perspective is such a priceless gift.  We appreciate each of these little creatures for the miracles that they are. It is with that sentiment, and a heart full of gratitude that I celebrate being a thirty something mom... thirty-two to be exact. :)

Happy 4th of July Weekend!

Written by Rachel

Since we were out celebrating this great country on Friday, I didn't get the chance to write a post to wrap up Rachel Week.  So I'll just share some pictures of our festivities for the day.  We sure are blessed to live here!  There are so many things I take for granted, so I love that we have a holiday to remember the liberties that we enjoy...Plus it's just a perfect day to spend with family! ;) Oh, and thanks for following along for Rachel Week!!  There is definitely more to come, so stay tuned...

A little patriotic parade fun

^^My little buddy^^

^^Waiting for fireworks...and yes, Harper and I struggle with the camera flash. ^^

^^Harper decided this year that she was scared of the loud fireworks, so...

...we watched Frozen and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang clips on YouTube like this the whole time instead.^^

Here We Go Again

First comes love, then comes marriage, then come the babies and the miscarriage.  I'm really glad those aren't the real words to that little ditty.  That makes life sound a bit bleak.  But they are the words that make up my song.  I was incredibly excited when Harper joined our family, thrilled to find out when we were having twins, crushed when Maddox and Sampson didn't make it, and then anxious for the day I would find out we're pregnant again.

It didn't happen immediately, and that freaked me out a bit.  Harper and the twins weren't any trouble at all, and then after the 6 months after delivering the boys like my doctor had recommended waiting (even though we cheated), still nothing was happening.  A couple months after that, I went in for a sonohysterogram to see if there was any scar tissue from the delivery of the twins (I was worried the struggle to scrape the placenta out and the emergency curettage might have left some damage).  This procedure is basically an ultrasound where they fill the uterus with dye to check to see if I had scar tissue buildup that was preventing me from getting pregnant.

As soon I as walked into the office, the nurse had me take a pregnancy test first to make sure I wasn't pregnant ("Oh good, looks like you're NOT pregnant!"), and then I was led into the room.  During the procedure, the fertility specialist said everything looked good.  There was no scar tissue and he didn't see anything that looked wrong.  He gave me some fertility pamphlets and papers, and as I prepared to leave the office, he said "A lot of people get pregnant the month they have this procedure, because it kind of flushes and clears everything out, so..."  Finally, a reason to have some hope!

In a weird way, I was almost hoping that the doctor HAD found some scar tissue so that I would have some possible explanation as to why I wasn't getting pregnant yet so I could actually do something about it, but it was also reassuring that they couldn't find anything that looked to be preventing me from getting pregnant.  And I was excited that my odds were up this month and we might finally see the double lines on the stick again.  And what do you know...a few weeks later and we were prego!  Happy day!

It is a totally different experience finding out you are pregnant after you've had pregnancy loss.  You want to feel excited, but at the same time, the anxiety and nervousness seem to sweep over you, and any time that excitement creeps in, the worry overpowers it and completely squashes it.  At least that's how it was for me.   I think it's a defense mechanism.  I didn't want to have that overwhelming joy that I had when I was pregnant with the twins because I didn't want to feel the complete heartbreak if something happened again.  I needed to keep some sort of wall up this time so I would be somewhat prepared to deal with any non-welcome surprises.   It's unfortunate really, because it should be an exciting time.  I wish I had the desire to start putting the new baby's room together.  I wish I wanted to start figuring out what names I love and how it sounds with our last name.  I wish that I wanted to run into Harper's room and tell her she is going to be a big sister (I had actually bought her a shirt earlier that said "big sister" on it because I was convinced she would be able to wear it within the next year).  But I didn't.  I couldn't.  I was too scared that it would all be for nothing again.  So I decided to wait.

No 'Big Sister' shirt just yet, so the Ute jersey had to do

Not a week had gone by when I started to bleed on and off.  And it was the day my family was headed out of town for Labor Day weekend.  The timing was awful.  I called my doctor's office and the nurses had me hurry in for a Rhogam shot because of the RH factor in my blood.  After discussing my symptoms, they determined it was possible I was having a miscarriage (or I could just be spotting) but I could still go on my trip and then take another pregnancy test the day I got back to see if it still showed I was pregnant.  I tried to enjoy our vacation as best as I could with the question of my pregnancy always on my mind.  We all had a great time, but as soon as I got back, I anxiously took the test and saw 'positive' again.  I was so relieved!  I called the doctor's office again and they scheduled my first official OB appointment with my doctor for a couple weeks later.

Our ham and cheeser heading out on our trip

Again, I didn't want to get too excited, especially now that I had some doubt planted in my head.  My doctor found out that I was scheduled for the appointment and he had heard about what had happened, so he called me and told me to just sneak in and see him for a quick ultrasound before I came in for an official visit so we could take a look and just make sure everything was ok.  I was babysitting my sister-in-law's kids for 10 days at their house around this time, so I arranged to have my husband come over early in the morning to take over and I headed to the hospital where my doctor was going to meet me.  I was nervous the whole drive in.  I had butterflies (not the good kind) and my hands shook a little bit as I walked into the dark ultrasound room.

I sat staring at the monitor as my doctor moved the ultrasound wand around, and when he finally found something, I knew again that it wasn't good.  My doctor showed me where my baby was (or should have been), but he said it wasn't measuring where it should.  I was 7 weeks, but it was only measuring at 5.  He said there should have been more development at that point.  I released a huge sigh as tears once again filled my eyes as he said the words, "I don't think this one is going to work out."  My doctor put his arms around my shoulder and told me how sorry he was as I walked out into the empty halls.  He wanted me to come back for one more follow-up ultrasound a week later because he wanted to be 100% sure before we went forward with removing it from my body, which I appreciated.  I still wanted to believe that there was a tiny chance something might change in the next 7 days, but deep down I knew...I was having a miscarriage.

Who is This Rachel Person?

I've been trying to think of what to write about today, but frankly, today is just one of those days where I want to sit in my pajamas, eat ice cream out of the carton, and watch Downton Abbey for 8 straight hours.  Ever have those days??  I'm not going to lie- everyday is an 'eat ice cream out of the carton' day for me :) That just always sounds delightful.  But that's beside the point.

I just feel like going with a bit lighter feel today for the ol' blog post.  Maybe let people get a little glimpse of me as a person (outside of my fertility fun) and maybe we can feel a little more like cyber friends :)

Here are some random things you should know about me:

--Most people think I'm shy, which I generally am if I don't know you well, but I have a a secret outgoing side (my favorite side :) that only few know about me (my dad says I am a 'closet actor', just to give you an idea)

^^Karaoke night where I sang Prince's 'Kiss'^^

--I love playing games (board games, yard games, any type of game, really) and this might be my motto...

                  ....but what happens in the game, stays in the game.  We can be friends again after!

--Oh, and don't cheat in a game with me.  I will call you out and you might cry.

--I can't laugh out loud if I tried.  The only ways someone can tell I'm laughing is if they see my shoulders shake or hear me trying to catch my breath afterward.  I am a horrible audience member in comedy clubs!

--I believe life is an adventure and I love to laugh (quietly, of course) and find the fun and humor in situations, even, and especially, when things don't go as planned.

--Speaking of adventure, I love to travel to new places, and adventures we have! (see pics below)

--I don't get scared easily.  My husband on the other hand...

--I love sports.  I love watching them (most of them) and I love playing them.  If I had the choice to hang with the guys and watch/play a basketball game or go get pedicures with the ladies, I would choose the basketball game every time.

--Yardwork?  Yes please!  I love it.  I'm a blue-collar worker at heart.

A couple more serious things you should know about me:

--I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints (I'm a Mormon!) and I love it.  My faith in the teachings and principles of our church gets me through many a rough day.

--I've got my family's back.  And I seriously have the best family around.  Immediate family, extended (I always get teased for how much I do with my cousins), in-laws, the works.

So, back on a serious note, even though I've experienced loss and hardship, it doesn't entirely define who I am.  Rather than any one thing defining me, I feel like everything comes together to continually develop me, including the trials I've gone through.  I'm still generally a happy, fun-loving person.  I just have to remind myself of that sometimes when I don't feel it ;)  Hope you've gotten to know a little more of the lighter side of me and that it doesn't scare you away!  Happy Wednesday!

We backpacked through Europe after college- started in London and never knew which country we'd be sleeping in next!

^^Doing our best impressions of chickens and the Heisman at the Eiffel Tower^^

^^Staying in the Alps in Gimmelwald, Switzerland^^

Cinque Terre, Italy...best pizza and gelato ever!

We joined along the Sound of Music tour in Austria

^^Visited Hitler's Eagle's Nest in Germany, or what looked to us like Lord of The Rings territory...

...while also marketing our sprite campaign^^

^^Neuschwanstein Castle in Germany^^

^^Last stop...Copenhagen, Denmark!^^

Snuck in one last adventure the year before Harper joined the fam in the magical Islands of Tahiti, where the hubby served his LDS mission

 

I am Loving It (and the Twins' Due Date)

Written by Rachel

Today, I'm posting another journal entry (and my last one I'd written...I am the worst journal writer ever!  So I'm glad I have this blog now to help me document things...gives me the kick in the pants I need to write things down).  This entry was written on the twins' actual due date.  Seems like forever ago and just yesterday at the same time.  And, of course, I have to include a picture overload.

April 4, 2013

                Today is Maddox and Sampson’s due date.  Wow.  It is a weird feeling because so far, I would always think to myself how far along in my pregnancy I would have been with them, and it has kind of kept them at the forefront of my mind.  But now that I am at the date where my pregnancy calculator stopped with them, it feels like there will be some sort of void, even though I will still think to myself how old they would be almost every day and look at the kids that would have been their age and wonder what could have been.  But today, my feelings are hard to explain.  Of course I will still think about them every day for who knows how long, and they have a permanent place in my heart and our family, but it seems surreal.  I would for sure have been holding Maddox and Sampson in my arms by today.  I would be feeding them every couple of hours, changing their diapers over and over, waking up at least a few times each night, trying to keep Harper happy and fed and clothed while babies cry for their own attention, and I would be loving every minute of it.  I would be loving being so sleep deprived that I couldn’t remember what I ate for breakfast 2 hours ago because I had been up all night with two precious little boys needing all my time and love and attention.  I would be loving trying to figure out how to load 3 kids in the car in under half an hour all by myself.  I would be loving picking out little boy clothes and trying to decide whether or not to buy the twins matching sets or something different so we could tell them apart easier.  I would be loving staring at their cute identical little faces and trying to figure out the features that set them apart and make them any less identical.  I would be loving watching Harper sit on the couch holding each of the boys in her little lap while trying to give them hugs and kisses nonstop.  I would be loving Harper helping me push the boys in their double stroller I never got to buy or helping me change their diapers or give them baths.  I would just be loving everything about those two little boys.  So many things I want to be doing right now with my little Maddox and Sampson.

 But I guess Heavenly Father had a different plan in mind for me today.  Instead of all the ‘would be loving’, I actually am loving spending every waking hour thinking how lucky I am to have Harper.  I am loving hearing Harper count to ten as fast as she can, then sometimes even continuing on to twenty when she’s in the mood for it.  I am loving Harper asking me to sing the ABC’s or Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and then her singing along with me.  I am loving waking up every morning to Harper’s little voice chattering over the monitor and sometimes yelling ‘Mom’ as loud as she can so I know she’s ready to get out of her crib.  I am loving trying to figure out what food Harper will like to eat for the day, since it seems to be changing daily.  I am loving Harper asking for carrots and dip, then just sucking the dip off the carrots and eventually just sticking her face in her bowl to lick all the dip clean…forget the carrots…although she is actually starting to eat the carrots now, too.  I am loving how Harper has become bossy to our dog, Millie, and will yell at her “Millie come!”  or “Millie sit stay!” with such a sweet little attitude, and then scream with laughter if Millie actually listens to her and comes toward her.  I am loving how Harper stands in the cart and grabs clothes off the racks at the store, holds them up, and says ‘cute!’ as she throws it into the cart and grabs the next thing she can reach and does the same thing.  I am loving how much fun Harper has playing with Matt when he comes home from work and how she will sit by the laundry room door waiting for him to come inside when she hears the garage door opening.  I am loving how Harper loves to play with other kids so much and yells out ‘kids!’ whenever she sees them playing.  I am loving how Harper yells out ‘Amen!’ during the prayers whenever she wants it to be done, whether or not it is.  I am loving how Harper points out the color of every traffic light and thinks I’m magic when I tell it to turn green and it does.  I am loving that Harper knows how to say hippopotamus, among many many other things.  She really is a smarty pants.  I am even loving how Harper has started saying ‘dang it’, which I’ve realized she learned from me, and that she always uses it in the right context.  I am loving that Harper will sit still long enough (if I give her a book or put on a movie she likes to distract her, like Tigger or Elmo or Mickey Mouse) to let me French braid her hair.  I am loving how Harper rips out whatever I’ve done to her hair the second I’m not looking at her.   I am loving when Harper goes to my parent’s house and gets so excited as we walk up to the door that she almost can’t contain herself, and when we walk inside, she runs in and starts yelling “Hello!  Hi!”, waiting for a response from anyone there.   I can’t get over how cute and precious it is to hear her yelling ‘Grandma’ or ‘Grandpa’ and searching frantically for the room she heard them reply from.  It is bringing tears to my eyes just thinking about it (and how I’m going to miss it, since they are moving to ---).  I am loving how Harper says Grandma --- and Grandpa ---, and how much she loves playing at their house, especially with the green chair that plays music and the towers of blocks and cups.  I am loving how Harper says ‘pease’ and ‘tank you’ or ‘tanks’, even without me telling her to say it.  I am loving how Harper repeats “I love you” (or, in her words, “I yuv you”), and even said it to me out of the blue on her own the other night when I was holding her in her room at night and just kept telling me over and over.   I am loving how Harper will just snuggle on my shoulder the second I pick her up if she is sad or even just awake during the middle of the night.  I am loving that Harper recognizes pictures of Jesus and Joseph Smith, and even the golden plates (and says who/what each of those things are…it’s so cute).  I am loving how much one on one time I am getting to spend with my sweet little Harper.  I guess I wouldn’t have had as much of this special time together with Harper if I was sharing it with two newborns.  Even though I often wish I was sharing this time with them and am still heartbroken for them, I feel more grateful for Harper because of what has happened.  She really is the light of my life.  We have so much fun together and I love her to pieces. 

I say all these things that I am loving about Harper right now, and it makes my heart melt just thinking about all the cute things she does every day, but I am also loving Matt.  I am loving how much he loves his little family and how hard he tries to provide everything for us.  I am loving how he has laughing contests with Harper and how she just adores him.  I am loving that Matt has become a ‘project’ guy and wants to do tons of DIY things around the house and yard.  I am loving how ambitious Matt is in his career and that he is working towards doing the things he loves to do, like consulting and anything supply chain management related.  He is so smart and driven and is a great provider for our family.  I am grateful that Matt is so committed to supporting our family so that I can stay at home with Harper and all the future kiddos that come along in our family.  But I am also loving that Matt doesn’t value work so much that it overshadows the family.  He always puts family and church first.  I am loving that Matt is a worthy priesthood holder and has been able to give both me and Harper blessings over the past months.  I am loving how Matt loves to play games and how competitive and honest he is in them, even though we swear he has sold his soul because he wins almost every single time and he literally has the luckiest things happen to him in every game.  It’s just not right.  I am loving how we see eye-to-eye with our finances and that we are both frugal and proud of it.  I am loving how Matt is not afraid to grow his hair out a little or grow a beard that rivals almost any biblical character’s (even though it confused Harper for a while, as she would see pictures of Jesus at church and think it was Dad).  I am also loving that he finally shaved the beard.  I am loving how Matt will warm up my frozen feet every night in bed and let me snuggle up to him for warmth.  I am loving that the young men in our ward enjoy having him as their first counselor, because he probably just fits right in with them.  I am loving that Matt has let me pick out all three of our kids’ names, and that he didn’t insist on using his suggestions of Jethro and Tull or Napoleon and Kip for the twins.  I am even loving that I can hear Matt snoring through his cold right now as he sleeps.  It’s kind of endearing.  Love you, Matt!

So today, in honor of it being Maddox and Sampson’s due date, my parents invited us over for dinner at their place.  Before we headed over there, and while Matt was still at work, I took out our box of mementos we have of Maddox and Sampson to show things to Harper and just to help me remember all their details.  Harper was too young to know what happened, and she is still a little too young, but I always try to remind her that she has little baby brothers up in heaven and we always include them in our prayers with her.  I showed her the little teddy bears that the twins held in the pictures that were taken at that hospital, which she decided to claim as ‘Harpers’ and did not want to put back willingly.  I looked at the little footprints stamped on each of their papers.  Their tiny little feet were about the size of the tip of my pointer finger (at first I tried the tip of my thumb, but that was too long).  I picked up each of their boxes that are filled with the tiny clothes and hats they were dressed in and the blankets they were wrapped in and just held my nose in them and smelled them.  I didn’t wash any of their clothes or blankets when we came home because I wanted to remember their smell.  Their things don’t really have much of the smell left, but I can still smell them when I close my eyes and remember.  I touched the blankets and thought back about how I held each of my two boys in my arms when they were born and wrapped in those blankets and how I kissed each of their little bodies.  I will never forget the short time I spent with my two precious little babies.  I will never forget the smell, the feel of them resting in my hands, the overwhelming love I felt as I cradled them in my arms.  I will cherish that brief moment forever.

We took some blue balloons to my parent’s house and took them into the backyard before we ate.  After coaxing Harper away from the play house under the deck, we held those two balloons and let Harper release them into the sky.  The balloons drifted between the trees in the backyard and floated up toward the clouds blanketing the sky.  Harper had this huge smile on her face as she watched the balloons float away.  She loved it.  We watched as both balloons travelled higher and higher toward the heavens, and I thought about how maybe Maddox and Sampson were looking at us from Heaven, watching and waiting for their balloons to reach them.  I thought about how the balloons were our way of remembering how special Maddox and Sampson are to us, our little message telling them that we won’t forget about them and that we love them so so much.  It was a special moment for me.  My dad got a few good pictures of the experience.  They are priceless.  I’m glad we did something today to remember our babies, our second and third children, Harper’s little brothers,our  family.

Today was bitter sweet.  I’m still sad about losing our boys, but I think this whole experience has made me stronger and has taught me valuable life lessons.  I feel more empathetic to other families going through similar situations.  I feel more gratitude for the things, and more importantly, the people that I have in my life.  I don’t think I take as many things for granted.  I have always loved Harper, but after realizing how unpredictable life is and how limited our time is on earth, I feel so blessed and honored to be able to raise Harper and be her earthly momma and my love for her is beyond what words can describe.  Even though I’m definitely not perfect and sometimes (a lot of times) feel like I’m falling short of my calling and inadequate, etc., I appreciate every single little tiny moment I have with Harper and with Matt and my family and just here on earth in general.  I am grateful for all that Heavenly Father has blessed me with.  Hopefully Heavenly Father will trust me to raise more of His children on this earth soon!  I can’t wait for the day and I pray for it continually.  So, as Joseph B. Wirthlin said in a recent conference talk and as I’ve tried to learn recently, come what may and love it!

 I love you, my two sweet angel babies.  Love, Mom

Could not convince this girl to leave the playhouse alone!