Our Loss, Our Angel

Written by Brianna:

Since yesterday was our sweet Demree’s fourth birthday, I thought it was a good time to share her birth story.  At times it feels like a life time ago, and then there are days like today where it feels fresh and new.  We love you Demree, and can’t help but wonder who you’d be today.  

Originally Written TUESDAY, DECEMBER 7, 2010

Our Loss, Our Angel...

From the beginning...

On Wednesday, December 1st, I woke up feeling agitated. I felt over whelmed, annoyed, and I know even my girls sensed it. I attributed this to the stress of our upcoming move (more on this another time), and all that I needed to get done in the next two weeks. I knew I had an appointment with my OB later on, but I was nervous to go. Considering I was just over eighteen weeks along, I thought I should be feeling my baby move more. I had flutters, and bumps every now and then, but nothing consistent. I expressed my concerns to both Nate and Kath, but I knew Nate had a busy day at work, and Kath was watching my girls, so I went to my appointment alone, as I had done before.

After waiting for almost an hour for Julia (my OB), because she was behind from a delivery, I finally got into the room for my ultrasound. Before we started I explained to her my concern over my baby's lack of noticeable movement. She said it could be that the placenta is in front, and that she would take a look for sure. Usually when she starts my ultrasounds she cuts straight to the sound of the heartbeat. This time she did not. Instead she was concentrating on taking several measurements. She asked again if I had felt the baby move at all, to which I replied yes, just not a lot, and not recently. She then told me she wasn't finding a heartbeat. At this moment I felt the blood rush from my face. She waited a second longer to see if it would "start back up", but nothing. She then checked the cord, and informed me there was no blood flow. The baby was measuring 18 weeks gestation, so what ever happened she believed it to be recent. Tears ran down my face as she explained what we needed to do next. I remember her telling me this was not my fault, that we would know more after I delivered the baby and the placenta, and yes, I was too far along for a D&C and I would need to deliver the baby. I was also told this would take 18-24 hours because my body was far from ready to deliver. I then asked her to look one more time at the ultrasound to see what we were having, since we had chose not to find out. She agreed, and looked at the best angle she could and said she was pretty sure it was a girl. Julia then left me to myself with instructions to talk with my husband to see when I wanted to go to the hospital to deliver our stillborn baby... our daughter.

Through massive tears I called Nate and my mom from the room at the doctors office. Nate agreed to come get me, and apologized for not being with me. Kath made arrangements for my girls to be taken care of for the night. When I left the doctors office I told Julia's MA that we wanted to get started as soon as possible. She said she would call with a time after she talked to Julia. I then left the building, and sobbed in my car. Looking back it is hard to believe this was a real moment in my life, and not a dream or a hoax I had worked up in my head.

Nate's dad drove Nate to me, and we hugged in the parking lot. I then asked to be taken to my mom's to see my girls... I needed their loves. By this point the doctor's office had called me back to tell me to be at the hospital at 7:00pm. This gave me hours to wait, cry, hug my babies, cry, cry some more and receive a wonderful priesthood blessing from my husband and his dad. This gave Nate time to gather my things, call and tell a few people, and hug our babies... he takes such good care of me.

Next Nate, me, and Kath headed to the hospital as instructed. At 8:30pm they then started me on my first dose of what would be several doses of Cytotec . This drug is what they use to thin and dilate your cervix. I then proceeded to spend the next 27 hours waiting, cramping, crying, being "checked", being freezing with fever chills, being hot when the fevers broke, and in the end just being finished... physically, mentally, and emotionally finished.

Around hour 26, Julia came to check me, and see what we could do to get this moving. When she did I was finally dilated to a one, and she decided it would be best to break my water. I had mixed feelings about this because I had heard babies in such a fragile state held up better if they delivered in their water sack, but at this point we really needed things to progress since I was past the 24 hour mark. Immediately after she did this the "real" contractions started frequent and hard. I had thought about doing this naturally, but Julia suggested an epidural in case my placenta wouldn't separate and she had to go "fetch it". If this ended up being the situation and I had an epidural she would do so in the room, if not she would have to take me to surgery. This would mean precious minutes or more that I would not get to spend with my baby, and that was not an option.

On December 2nd, 2010, right around 11:53pm I delivered our celestial angel, Demree Ray, with no pushing or pain. None of us were quite prepared for the unannounced way she came into this world. Due to the epidural I had no feeling and I was exhausted, so we didn't even know for at least twenty minutes that she had made her entrance. At first this was very difficult for me, but I decided not to waste precious time dwelling on guilt and circumstances we couldn't control. We also were unprepared for how tiny she was, and the strong rush of emotion for all of us that her arrival brought. We knew she would be small, but she was SO small... 7.5 ounces and 7.5 inches long. 

She may have been tiny, but she was perfect with all her tiny little features... ten tiny toes, ten tiny fingers, all with tiny nails. She had J's nose, a tiny pink tongue, and she came out with her hands crossed in her lap... such a lady. She looked peaceful. When Julia got there she informed us that Demree had suffered a "cord accident". The cord was wrapped around her neck three times, her neck was constricted and bruised, and her head was slightly swollen. There was nothing we could have done to save her and sometimes this is helpful to know, but at other times for a control freak like me it just feel helpless. 

We all took our turns holding her before Nate's dad arrived to help him give her a blessing. Nate gave our baby daughter the most beautiful, inspired blessing I have ever heard. I then just held her on my belly, trying to take her all in, and make a lifetime of mental memories since I knew our time together would be brief. Share (a non-profit group to help mothers with pregnancy and infant loss) arrived around 3:00am to take molds of her hands and feet, and a professional photographer took pictures of her for us as well. These women have all suffered the loss of a child, and they were definitely angels in human form. The level of compassion they showed to us as complete strangers was the most Christ like act of service I think I have ever witnessed. I only hope to eventually be able to pay their love forward.

After Share left we knew it was time to call the mortuary. As much as I would have loved to stay in that room with her forever, her little body was deteriorating by the minute. It was time to send her to a safe place until we could bury her in her final resting place. Saying goodbye before they took her away was incredibly difficult. We said a prayer with her, Nate, me, and Kath all took turns kissing her goodbye, and we sent her on her way. Oh how my heart and empty arms ached. The nurses let me leave about thirty minutes after Demree did. I needed to get out of there. Leaving the maternity ward at 5:00am empty handed was so hard, but I had an amazing support system with me. 

Nate has been so wonderful. He holds me, cries with me, and just is there with me. I love him more now than I ever have before, which is amazing to me since I didn't know that was possible. My mom, "my Kath", is as always our selfless supporter. I don't know what I would have done without her there. We feel so very loved by so many friends and family members. The texts, emails, phone calls, and Facebook posts of loving thoughts and offers to help have been endless. Our sincerest thanks to you all.

Today, December 7th, 2010, we had to do something I hoped we would never have to do... we had to bury our child. Nate and I went to the mortuary just the two of us before the graveside service to say our goodbyes to Demree and "tuck her in". She looked so perfect in her little white dress, hat, and booties that Nana had made. We both held her again, left letters from each of us in her casket, took pictures with her in her casket, made sure her clothes were not bunchy and booties were in tact, and all together just took the time to take in her peaceful presence. We then said our final goodbyes, and drove to the cemetery.

We chose to have Demree buried in the "Baby Land" portion of the cemetery. It brings us great comfort to know that she is surrounded by other perfect, little beings as herself. Nate's dad said some beautiful, comforting words, and then Nate dedicated her grave. M and J, looking so beautiful in their Christmas dresses, then released balloons into the sky as a gift to our "Baby Demree". After they let the balloons go, they quickly ran through the cemetery to get a better look as they drifted off to heaven. It was a beautiful moment of child like innocence that I never want to forget. It was all very fitting, and we felt very loved and supported by our family members.

So now we go back to "normal life", and trying to define what that is for us now. There is a void in our family that will not be able to be filled in this life, and that is our reality that we have to learn to live with. We are honored that the Lord would feel we are strong enough for such a trial, and that Demree chose us as parents. We love you Demree Ray, and will miss you dearly. We know you are in good hands with our Heavenly Father and our Savior, and we know we will see you again. For the time being, have fun playing with Carter and Addelyn. :)

Our Miracle Baby

Written by Heather
 We are beyond excited to be expecting our 3^rd baby in March. After 3 cycles of IVF and a very scary start to this pregnancy, there was a point when I didn’t think we’d make it this far ever again. We had a very small chance of this pregnancy continuing in the beginning due to a huge SCH bleed that was pretty much taking over my uterus. For about 7 weeks, we were told on and off that I was most likely going to miscarry, but one thing is for sure, this little baby is a fighter! I was at the doctors every few days to monitor the bleed and every time this little baby would surprise us with that little heart beat! I can’t even express how sick with nerves I would get anticipating seeing that little fluttering on the ultrasound, then hearing the sweet sound of the heart beat. I was pretty much an emotional wreck for those few weeks! At 10 weeks we were so surprised to see this on my ultrasound…..

…this is about when things started getting more positive. I love hearing my Dr.’s excitement on the ultrasound! She couldn’t believe that this baby made it though the rocky start to this pregnancy.

I am now about 21 weeks along with a healthy baby girl and we couldn’t be happier! My boys are so excited to be getting a baby sister!! Its been a really hard couple of years trying to get this baby here and its all been worth it!!

Always Meant to Be Yours

November is National Adoption Month.  To kick things off, Carter's birth mom, "E" has graciously offered to share her story.  We couldn't love her more and are so happy she is part of our family. - Alli

Always Meant To Be Yours

Carter seeing "E" for the first time since he was born. 

If you would have asked me 5 years ago if I would be sitting here writing my placement story, I would have looked at you funny because I never wanted to be a mother. I did what I wanted and I made plenty of mistakes. I loved going out with my friends and didn’t have a care in the world. All of that quickly changed for me and now I want nothing more than to be a mother. I won’t get into the details about how I got pregnant because I am sure everyone has heard how that works. After I found out I was pregnant I was in total shock. The questions “What will my parents think?” and “How can I care for this baby?” continued running through my mind. I barely made it through work that day and when I got home I still couldn’t believe it. 

I waited a day or two before I told the father. “J” was never my boyfriend, he was just a friend and I enjoyed his company. I text him and said it was very important I talk to him. He kind of blew me off but I was persistent. I finally got a reply back “Are you pregnant?” I replied “Yes, and we really need to talk” It was like word vomit, he starting sending text after text. “I can’t afford to support this child” “I thought you were on birth control”. I then realized that I would be going through this pregnancy on my own. I felt so alone at that moment but I knew I would find the strength. “J” finally came to talk to me days later. We sat on opposite sides of my bed and I just cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. He told me that I should “take care of it”, and I was offended that he would even mention abortion. I was so angry with him yet I still wanted comfort from him. He gave me a hug and held me for a minute. All I wanted to do was scream at him but I kept my composure and let him leave. I never saw “J” again. Getting some legalities taken care of was a struggle with “J” and so emotional for me. I was sure the stress would make me lose the baby but my little peanut stayed strong for me. He then willingly signed his rights over and I never heard from him again. I no longer needed contact and he didn’t want it. It was sad for me. Not only had I lost a friend but I was alone while I made one of the hardest decisions of my life. Even after placing almost 2 years ago, it makes me so upset to think that he will never see this beautiful angel and never cared enough to know him. 

But moving on; it was right around Christmas and I had to tell my parents the news. I took my Mom and Dad into their bedroom; I immediately started crying and told them I was pregnant. My Father paced the room and I saw the disappointment in his eyes. I kept telling him that I was going to place my baby for adoption. Both my parents told me I needed to really think this over. Weeks went by and a friend of a friend had heard that I was considering placing my baby. One of her old college friends in Utah was looking to adopt. I knew she would be contacting me but I just couldn’t pick up the phone when she called. She left me a voicemail with the information of the couple. I listened to it over and over. I felt emotions that I had never felt trying to decide whether I should contact them. I finally got the courage and looked at their blog. They were a beautiful happily married couple. I can’t count on one hand how many times I looked at that blog. Finally I contacted them. I didn’t know what to say but somehow found the words. There was no pressure to make a decision with them and we spent the next couple months getting to know each other. I fell in love with them immediately. I found out I was having a baby boy and I immediately sent a photo to “A”. She was so happy for me and I just couldn’t wait to tell her the news. 

On March 28^th I sat there on my couch typing an email telling them that I had made the decision to place and that I knew they could give him everything I couldn’t. I had chosen them. It was scary but I knew I was making the right decision for this precious little angel that was coming. I got the sweetest email back and I then felt a little bit of peace. I knew they were the ones. Even though I was carrying this baby I knew he was always meant to be with “P” and “A”. Months went by and I went to my weekly check up.   My doctor did my exam and told me that I couldn’t physically delivery my son and that I should schedule my C-section. My body was at wits end and they had an appointment for the next day so I scheduled it. I called my boyfriend Joshua while I drove home and he got it arranged with work. He stayed in the hospital room the whole time with me. He was my rock through this whole 9 months (It is amazing how life can bring people together). I couldn’t believe tomorrow I would meet my sweet boy. And while I was happy to meet him I also was scared. I text “A” and asked how quick could they get to Arizona? I won’t get into details but little “C” arrived on August 9^th. 

Seeing him for the first time was a moment I will never be able to recreate. I was amazed that I had created this little miracle that was lying in my arms. He was a beautiful baby. I was sitting in the room when his parents finally arrived. The joy on their faces when they saw him was beautiful but in the back of my mind it was bittersweet for me. I let “C” stay with them every night because I didn’t want to take this moment away from them. I spent as much time as I could with him and every time I looked at him I just fell in love all over again. The love a mother feels for their child cannot be described. 

The last day came quickly and it was one of the hardest days of my life. I asked my family to leave because I couldn’t handle my own emotions and be strong for them. I held my little “C” and I kept thinking. Am I going to be able to walk away? Will I be able to do this? I gave “C” one last kiss and handed him to Joshua (who now happens to be husband). I watched him place him so gently into his bed and I asked his parents to come back in. We hugged each other and just cried. It was such a beautiful moment but I felt sadness I had never felt. 

I drove home holding Joshua’s hand tight and cried the whole ride home. When I got home I sat on the couch and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. I never thought I would be able to smile again. Signing the adoption paperwork the next day gave me heartache but in the back of my mind I knew that this was the best decision for little “C”. He deserved so much more than I could give him. I received a beautiful necklace the day I signed the papers from “C”’s parents. I carry that necklace with me everywhere I go. I carry him with me everywhere I go. “P” and “A” both wrote me letters but I couldn’t get the strength to read them. When I finally did it was pure joy. Those letters reassured me that I had made the right decision. They were everything “C” needed and were going to be the best parents in the world. 

I love my open adoption and being able to watch him grow. I look at him in awe everyday and am so thankful I am a part of his life. I will probably always have good days and bad days, but seeing “C” can change that frown upside down. This experience is something completely new to me but I love everything about it. I am such a proud Birth Mother and love “C” more than I could ever describe. I am thankful for all the sadness, heartache and tears I cried. Everything was worth it because “C” is exactly where he was meant to be.

Carter and "E"'s husband.

Carter and "E"

Remembering

October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, as well as October 15th being National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  I love taking the time to celebrate my babes who were born still, and taking stock of the ways they have touched our lives.

In October Utah Share holds "The Walk to Remember".  This event is a symbolic walk for loved ones to take the steps their babies will never take.  After a small walk around the park there is a giant balloon release.  During this balloon release they read off all the littles names as their families release balloons heaven bound, some with messages written on them.

I love the walk.  I love the symbolism of it all.  I love that my babies here get a chance to remember sisters they don't see every day.  I love that for those few hours I get to relish in the thought of five daughters instead of three, and when people ask how many kids we have they really want to know about them... all of them.  I am saddened to see that there are others who are living without a piece of their hearts too, but find strength in our ability to lift each other up.  I love giving our babies an "event" of  their own.  I love to remember. :')

The other way we like to remember is by participating in the Wave of Light.  I usually post something like this on my Facebook in hopes of spreading the word...

I love when friends, and family either post or send me pictures with their candles lit on October 15th.  It is such a small gesture, but usually that's the best kind.  I feel of their love for me, our family, and our babies that they never got to know.

Happy October little babies.  May your short, little lives continue to change the world for the better. 

I'm in Good Company

Written by Alli

In June, I got a call from my sister.  I was headed into my niece's dance recital, but stopped cold in my tracks when my sister said, my friend is working with a girl who is thinking of placing her baby.  I started shaking and tears streamed down my face.  I received a strong confirmation, this was going to be our next baby.  After the recital I went home to tell Paul and we worked all weekend getting our adoption blog put together so the expectant mom would have something to look at.  Then we waited.  And waited. Nothing happened.  Of course I thought she didn't like us.  I was confused.  I had received a strong confirmation we were meant to know her.  Of course, yet again, I was given a lesson in patience.

Two months later, I finally got up the nerve to ask my sister if she'd given our blog to her friend.  She said that she had and she'd find out what was going on.  My sister called back later that day and said she'd heard from her friend and she had just barely told her about us that day.  Then my sister started to give me some details about the girl and the baby.  She was telling me the due date and was about to tell me the sex, but I already knew it was a girl.  When my sister confirmed this, I started shaking and crying again.  This was yet another confirmation that this was something we needed to pursue.

Things moved really quick after that.  After a quick phone call with "S", the expectant mom, we set up a date to meet.  We texted until we got to meet, and once we met, everything was solidified.  We both felt this was right and "S" told us she wanted us to raise her daughter.  We instantly fell in love with "S" and are so glad she will forever be part of our family.

It's been a couple weeks since this whirlwind happened.  Things are rough and a little scary right now.  There have been a few hiccups and our confidence is shaken.  We're trying to hang on to faith.  These next couple months are going to be hard.  Please continue to pray for our family and for "S".  Please also pray for the expectant father.

I saw this quote and instantly connected with it.  Paul and I have been trying hard on a lot of things lately and life just seems to keep getting harder.  However, it made me feel better about our current situation, which is weird, because the quote doesn't say everything will work out.  It doesn't say, everything will be ok.  What it does say is, I'm in good company.  I consider a lot of you, "the best that have ever lived".  You've made it through dark times and become stronger because of it. We'll make it through this and hopefully at the end of this tumultuous journey, baby girl will be in our arms.

Broken

This Friday is our second Angel Baby, Alex’s, 3^rd birthday.  In honor of her, I thought it was time to share her birth story that I originally shared on my personal blog shortly after she left us.  Sorry in advance... it is a little long, but I know she deserves every word. :’)

Originally written SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 11, 2011

Broken...

On early Friday morning, September 2nd, I was up in Park City, UT waking up from our annual Swiss Days overnight stay with my mom and friends. My sleep had been restless at best so I decided to calm my nerves I would use my Doppler to check on our baby. I looked patiently for a steady heartbeat, but only found inconsistent readings. I put down the Doppler to get in the shower. At this point I was starting to panic. I found myself praying through tears in the shower that I was being irrational. When I got out I tried to pull it together as not to disrupt the day. I obviously am not good at this, and my mom knew of my fear so she suggested we go to a clinic in town and get an ultrasound to ease my frantic mind. I agreed.

Navigating Park City was a joke. Everything looks the same, and it was too early to ask anyone for directions. I really wanted a clinic in an effort to save money, but when we called one we found out they didn't open until 8:00 am and she wasn't sure if they had an ultrasound machine. Unfortunately this individual was so ill informed she didn't even know the address to the hospital... we were on our own. After being led astray by the GPS once, we pulled into the parking lot to a school to decide what to do. All the while I am using my Doppler, but the readings were still so inconsistent. By inconsistent I mean the heart rate would spike and then come back down to what would be considered my pulse rate. We decided to leave the school parking lot, and head towards the outlets. Not a half a mile out of the school we saw a blue hospital sign. We followed it with relief, and pulled into the ER sure to ease crazy Brianne's mind.

I was in tears as we entered the ER. My mom and I went right up to admit and my mom requested firmly she needed to pay for an ultrasound, and explained briefly my medical history. The admit clerk was very kind, and said we would need a doctors order, but they weren't very busy and could accommodate me fast. I was lead straight back by a doctor, a nurse, and an orderly. The doctor went over my history, and asked if I had any bleeding, cramping, contractions, or recent accident. I answered no, but explained about the readings I was getting on my Doppler. She said she had already ordered an ultrasound and they had a hospital Doppler ready to see what they could find.

The nurse began to administer the Doppler as I lay there. At first she too could only pick up my pulse rate, but then she started to get some higher readings. No sound, but at least readings she was picking up. She then explained how it will be interesting to see where the baby and the placenta are positioned, because that could be why it was so hard to get a reading. As they wheeled me into ultrasound, I felt a little more hopeful. I kept relying on at least the nurse saw something. This faded fast as the ultrasound tech began. Instead of immediately showing me the heartbeat, she told me she was going to take some measurements. After losing Demree I knew this was a bad sign. I quickly asked with a crackled voice if she could see a heartbeat, to which she soberly replied "I don't".

At this point I can't remember how loud I cried out. I'm sure it was a lot louder in my head than it actually was. Through tears I asked my crying mother to call Nate who didn't even know I was at the hospital... I didn't want to have to worry him. She stepped out and did so while the tech continued to take measurements. I knew our baby's size would be close to where it should because I had good fetal heart tones not even two days prior. Our baby's death was recent. Our baby was measuring seventeen weeks as it should, and I didn't even have to be told that I would have to deliver again. I knew it.

The doctors then proceeded to have radiologists look at the ultrasound to be sure, and they also tried to contact my doctor who I later found out was out of town. The radiologists came to the same conclusion which was no shock to me... I had seen our still child with my own eyes. Next I talked to my doctor, Julia, over the phone who was in Lake Powell. She urged me to wait until she could get back. I struggled with this, but knew I would have to wait a little while because my regular hospital was very full. I left my conversation with Julia with not being sure of our plans, but expecting a call back from her or her office. I could tell she was as astonished as me. She said she has never had two fetal demises at almost the exact same gestation. All I could think was this is not something I wanted to be in the record books for.

Of course Nate could not stay away from me even though I was soon to be released from the hospital in Park City. His dad drove him to me, and he was there right before I was able to leave. Oh how I love this man. My heart breaks for the pain I know he has suffered. Even in the worst of situations I feel comforted in his presence... he is my rock.

On the drive home Julia's office called me and told me they had my induction scheduled for Sunday night. I asked if there was any way to do it earlier, and they said Julia really wanted to be there so I reluctantly agreed.

Since our original plans included going to the cabin for the extended weekend, we decided to send the girls anyways. As much as I wanted to have them home, because it makes me feel better, it would have been selfish. No child needs to see their parent that sad, that out of it, that lost. I then spent the next two days as a walking tomb, while Nate tried to take care of me. It was hard, and that is an understatement. My insides felt crushed, and I had to remind myself to breathe. I also watched my body physically change. My little, hard baby bump was already shrinking, I felt no hunger, and my skin even started to clear. My body was clearly no longer nourishing my baby, and it was apparent.

On Sunday morning I got a call that I didn't answer, and Sunday around noon I got another call from the same number. This time I listened to the messages, and found out it was the hospital informing me of a miscommunication. Julia would not be back for a day longer than they expected, so if I wanted to have her there I would need to schedule for Monday night, but if I wanted to use her partner on call I could stick with our original plan. My heart sunk. I really wanted Julia to be there, but I really knew I couldn't wait another twenty-four hours. I decided to use her partner, and then we asked if I could come any sooner. They said any time, so with in an hour or two we were off.

After we arrived at the hospital, and were admitted, Nate asked if I could have another ultrasound just to be sure. My nurse, Renae (same nurse who delivered M and is the mother of my best friend from high school), said that would be fine. This ultrasound tech was much more sympathetic to our situation, and asked before she started if we wanted to know what she was doing while she was doing it. I liked that I would know what she was measuring, and I found this part very helpful. So there again I stared at the screen as she showed us our still baby. She took many measurements, and our baby was measuring 17 weeks 1 day. I asked her to tell us if she could see what the gender was since we had originally planned to not find out. She said since the baby isn't moving it is hard because you only get one angle, but asked if we would like her to guess. I said yes, and she said her best guess is "girl". I told her she was probably right since that is all we make, something that I am really so proud of. From there, with our minds at ease, we went back to my room so I could officially be started.

Before they started the drugs, Nate and his dad gave me a Priesthood blessing. I am always thankful, especially at times like these, for the Priesthood being so present in my life. The next nine hours consisted of cramping, chills, beeping machines, and very little sleep so I wouldn't take a chance of missing anything. At around 3:00am I felt, and heard a pop. My water had broke. I called my nurse in immediately and she checked me to reveal I was dilated to a 5, and they thought they could feel a hand or a foot. Next they placed an epidural which I really didn't need, but if you don't get it and the placenta doesn't detach, you take the risk of having surgery right away to remove it. Time is SO precious with these little babies it is just not worth the risk of losing one minute.

At 3:42am on September 5th, 2011, I gave birth to our second celestial daughter, Alex Beth. She weighed 5 oz and was 7 1/2 inches long... same length as Demree. She came out with the cord wrapped loosely around her arm, but everything else was normal including her cord and placenta. Alex was perfect looking. All of her features and parts were so tiny yet SO perfect... all she needed was more time to grow. At this point I was thankful for the time spent before the hospital to mourn. I really felt like I could take her in to the fullest.

Share came to the hospital to make foot molds and take pictures of our sweet baby. Both of the women who came, Toni and Tanya, are my friends on Facebook. They of course felt awful that I was here again in less than a year's time. Toni has suffered multiple losses as well, and her insight was very helpful. Again I was astonished at there giving spirits, and only hope to pay it forward one day. Share is truly an inspired program.

After Alex was born, and the doctor got there to look things over I asked him what my options were so I could get some answers. He said they could do chromosome testing, which is very expensive and he doubted we would get any answers since her little body showed no signs of chromosome abnormality. We also had the option of an autopsy, but he doubted they would find anything there either. He also said that after autopsy they can't promise there would be much of her left, and this didn't sit well with me or Nate. For routine purposes they will still autopsy the placenta and cord, but again they are doubtful they will find anything. So for now we are left with mountains of questions that we may never get answers for. This has to be one of the hardest parts.

As the morning went on we knew that it was time to say goodbye to our little one. We were so exhausted, and we knew we still had the task at hand of telling our girls there would be no more baby after Christmas, and that we had another family member in Heaven with Heavenly Father and Jesus. Renae called the mortuary, and since it was a holiday they were short handed. We loved and kissed our little Alex goodbye, and left her in Renae's capable hands until the mortuary could pick her up. Again I will say that leaving the maternity floor empty handed makes for the longest wheel chair ride ever. It is lonely... very lonely.

We picked up our girls, and broke the news. M was pretty upset. Her bottom lip hung out in an effort to hold back her tears. We explained that it is okay to be sad, okay to cry, and reminded her again that Alex is now with Demree in Heaven doing lots of important stuff. I am pretty sure J understood to best of three year old ability. I know she no longer asks if I have a baby in my tummy, so our message must have been received. They took it like I expected... hard, but kids always take things better than adults. Their innocence helps them to accept what comes, and know it will be okay. As parents this part was so hard for us. Explaining death to such young kids, and also disappointing them that there will be no baby in our house to hold was and is crushing.

The next few days were spent crying, and planning Alex's graveside. We kept the girls going to school, and I did my best to avoid people in general... I still am doing that. On Friday, September 9th, 2011, we laid Alex Beth to rest. She is buried in the plot bordering Demree on the west side. It was a beautiful little service with our immediate family honoring Alex's brief existence on this earth. Nate did a great job dedicating her grave, something I know is so hard for him, but something he would never let anyone else do. I couldn't help but stare at Alex's little casket, and then stare at Demree's gravestone, and then think in disbelief that I really am here doing this again. 

Now I wake up every morning full of sorrow that Alex is no longer growing below my heart. I feel broken... my body, my spirit, and most of all my heart. I understand where she is now, and I know this is part of the plan... her plan, the Lord's, and ours. In no way do I feel this is fair, but life isn't. I wanted this baby so bad... maybe more than anyone has ever wanted a baby, or at least I like to think so. I tried to give her a perfect home for her seventeen short weeks of life, and I prayed often for her safe arrival. I now am trying to re-establish what normal is... again.

One thing I do know is that we are loved. We may have the best support system ever. We know if people could they would do ANYTHING to ease our pain. For this we are so very thankful.

Alex, we love you baby... eternally.

Unrelated

Written by Alli

One of the last pictures taken of me, my sisters and my mom

I'm asking for your forgiveness in advance.  This post is not about infertility, or adoption, or anything baby related.  But since this is 1/4 my blog, I'm using it as my outlet for today.  This post is about my sweet mother who passed away 15 years ago today.  She was only 41 years old and had a lifetime of years ahead of her.  I remember very clearly so much about the weeks following up to her death.  She was diagnosed with cancer on July 12th.  By the time they found it, the cancer had spread to her brain, lungs and bones.  There was nothing they could do, although they offered some false hope.  None of us knew she would go downhill so fast.  None of us  expected to be without the woman who was our everything.  I'll never forget the early morning phone call on August 13th from my sister.  "Come home.  She doesn't have much time."  I rushed from my safe, college apartment in Utah and headed to Idaho.

I think my mom knew her time had come.  I think she knew she wouldn't be here on this earth much longer.  But I know she didn't know how soon.  We would lay on her bed until late in the night talking, planning my wedding and graduation from college.  She thought she would be there.  She thought she would make it.  I thought she would make it.

I met my high school friends at Pizza Hut so I could vent my frustrations.  I was looking at not having my mom for the most important moments of my life:  wedding, graduation, babies.  How would I ever be able to go through those things without her?  Why was my mom being taken?  Didn't the Lord know how much we needed her?  I wanted to so badly ask the Lord to spare her, but I never did.  I just prayed with all my heart, Thy will be done.

We gathered family around us that Sunday evening.  Beautiful blessings were given to me, my siblings and my dad.  We instantly felt peace and knew the Lord was aware of us.  Neighbors stopped by to say their goodbyes.  With each person, my mom would kiss them on the cheek and tell them she loved them. Then came Wednesday morning, August 18th.  My dad was in the bedroom trying to get her to take her medicine.  He would try to bribe her by offering a kiss.  That day, she was just too tired.  He told her she could go.  That she'd fought very hard and we would be ok without her.  He kissed her and she closed her eyes for the last time.  I was in my bedroom and my dad started calling for me.  I knew what he was going to say.  She was gone.  My beautiful mother was gone.  She looked so peaceful, away from the pain of this world.

At that moment, I didn't think things would ever be ok.  But looking back on 15 years without the woman I told everything to, things are ok.  I still miss her every day.  I still wish she could have met my husband and son.  I still wish I could call her when I'm having a bad day.  But she knows.  She's aware of me.  She loves me and one day, I'll get to see her again.  And boy, will we have a lot to talk about.

Challenge Accepted?

One of my favorite shows was (and still is) How I Met Your Mother.  One of my favorite characters is Barney.  He says witty things like, "Legen....wait for it.....dary", "Newer is always better", and "Suit Up".    My favorite is that no matter what someone is talking about, he will always say, without hesitation, "Challenge. Accepted".  Most of the time, there wasn't even a challenge issued, but he chose to live life saying yes.  

Today, I am asking you to embrace Barney and accept a challenge.  It is a fact that expectant parents find their child's adoptive parents most often through someone they know.  I need your help.  We can't do this without you.  Our expectant parent is trying to find us and we are trying to find her.  This is the most important thing you can do for us.  Please share our profile (www.paulandalliadopt2.blogspot.com).  It is as simple as clicking on the "Share" button on Facebook and letting all your friends see us.  Carter's birth mom was found because Paul shared our profile and one of his friends saw it.  It was that simple.  It takes 2 seconds and it could change lives......ours, our expectant parents and our future child's.  

So today, are you willing to say, "Challenge Accepted"?

Memorial Ceremony for the Twins

Written by Rachel

Three days after we found out we were probably having a miscarriage, the hospital held their annual memorial for all the stillborns lost that past year who were buried in the nearby cemetery. They had just had the previous ceremony a week or two prior to the birth of Maddox and Sampson, so we barely missed it and had to wait almost a whole year before the twins were finally honored there.

It was a heavy weekend for me. We had the opportunity to honor and remember our angel boys, and at the same time, I knew I was carrying another little piece of our family that wasn't going to make it, either. My heart felt like it had weights wrapped around it, pulling it to the floor, and wherever I walked, I was just dragging the weight behind me like a shadow filled with cement. I had hoped with all my might that by the time this ceremony came, we would be preparing to welcome a new member to the family.  I had hoped I would finally be close to using the new car seat cover I had bought when I found out we were having twins. I wished I was 50 pounds heavier and that my feet were swollen beyond recognition. But once again, my tear-filled eyes were the only things swollen.

The ceremony was held in the cemetery.  It was different than I expected, but the sentiment was there and I greatly appreciate the people who cared and put it together.  We had family members there showing their love and support. As I read the boys' names out loud during the ceremony, it reminded me how real they are.  It was a nice day to reflect on how lucky we are to be the parents to Maddox and Sampson.  Even though they were only here for a moment, they are forever a part of me, for which I am eternally grateful.

^^luckily the ceremony wasn't short of entertainment, er, bugs for this kid ^^

It seems like I can describe a lot of my recent experiences as bitter sweet, and this was no exception. Honoring my lost babies and preparing to lose another one that same week definitely played with my emotions. I was still holding on to that minute chance that my next ultrasound would magically show a healthy, growing baby, but I was also bracing myself for the worst, a skill I feel like I could now confidently put on a resume.

Because of Her

By Alli

This is one of my most favorite people in the whole world, Carter's Birth Mom "E".  

Because of her, I get to change diapers, and sweep the floor 14 times a day.  Because of her, I get to play trains and dinosaurs and Lego's.  Because of her I get to worry about broken bones and bruises.  Because of her I am exhausted most of the time and usually get to share all my meals.  Because of her, I get to go down slides and play in the pool.  Because of her, I get to read the same books over and over and watch Super Why countless times each week.  Because of her, all my shirts have some sort of food or slobber all over them and I never get to use the bathroom alone.  Because of her I get to tickle and kiss and chase.  Because of her, my living room floor is covered in toys and my laundry is never finished.  Because of her, I have an excuse to eat granola bars and fruit snacks.  Because of her, I get snuggles and slobbery kisses and an occasional head butt.  Because of her I get to see the world through the eyes of a child.  Because of her I have a constant shadow and friend to be with me all day long.  Because of her, I can never have a bad day because there is always a reason to smile.

Because of her, I am a mother.

"Are you going to have anymore?"

Written by Brianna

"Are you going to have anymore?"  

"Are you finished?"

"Are you going to have another baby?"

"Are you going to try for a boy?" (This one is the worst!)

What do all these questions have in common?  I get asked one of them in some form or another on almost a weekly (okay maybe monthly) basis.  I know people really want to know where I/we stand on this important life altering decision, but no question(s) gives me more anxiety than this one.  We are talking my stomach instantly cramps and aches, my heart races, my mouth goes dry, and my mind races kind of anxiety.  It's a familiar feeling considering it's how I spent my entire last pregnancy.

I realize this is a bit of an over reaction to such a common question, but I chalk it up to the PTSD of my whole situation.  I do not resent anyone for asking.  I know family, friends, and acquaintances really are curious about such things, and I can't blame them.  I would be too.  I just feel completely inadequate to answer such a loaded question.

For us choosing to have another isn't just about welcoming a new member to our family.  It's not just about finances, room in our home, or capability to provide love and attention.  It is about choosing to accept the consequences that come with it.  Anxiety ridden pregnancy full of panic attacks.  Merely functioning for my children instead of being the mom they deserve.  The strain put on my poor husband and mother when said panic attacks become too much for me to carry alone.  The real possibility of delivering another still baby, and laying them to rest.

Now bear with me as I digress a little.  Today is my 32nd birthday, and I thought a little picture timeline would be fun and informative.  Thanks for indulging me. :)

Me on my 22nd birthday an entire decade ago.  Yikes.  Anyways, I had been married for a little over a year and a half, and was yet to become a mother.  In my head if I stayed on schedule I could have the three children Nate and I wanted before I turned the dreaded thirty.  You know, because you are old and decrepit once you hit thirty, and heaven forbid I turn into one of those "old moms".  None the less I still love this picture.  I love the naivety and innocence that it represents.  Oh you silly, silly young twenty-something. 

  

Me roughly thirty-six weeks pregnant with my first baby girl.  I LOVE this picture, because I still loved every part about being pregnant... chubby face and all. :)

Now this is one of my favorite pictures ever... me with my newborn baby J (my second baby).  I remember little about J as a baby, due to her and M only being two years apart.  I do remember when Nate would say that he was probably good with just the two, I would tear up just thinking how I was not done.

Next we have me about ten weeks pregnant with our third baby, Demree.  I was still not telling people, and I was sick this time around.  I was getting fat fast, but I was excited that life was on track.  We were on our way to our third and final baby.  I was sure of it. 

Then came Demree

Then came Alex

Two years ago I was celebrating my 30th birthday, and was roughly nine weeks pregnant with Rainbow Baby A.  Nothing makes you want to leave your twenties like a couple traumatic years.  I was so incredibly hopeful, and so petrified at the same time.

Rainbow Baby A.  Our fifth daughter.  Have you ever seen anything more beautiful ever??

So I guess that brings us back to the original question at hand, "Are you going to have another?"  And the honest answer is that we have put a giant pin in that thought for later.  We are enjoying what we have.  Our hearts swell that our big girls are choosing to share a room still, because they are each other's security whether they want to admit it or not.  We love sneaking in (more like racing in to be first) to Baby A's room at night for one last stroke of her hair and cheek, and hoping she wakes up for a cuddle.  We love how refreshing it is to just worry about frivolous things.  We love being happy.

No we don't get the luxury of feeling like everyone is here, because everyone is not... nor will they be in this life.  That is an ache I am learning to live with.  We also acknowledge that Nate and Brianna of old would have stuck to the original plan, because that's what we do... but the Nate and Brianna of new realize that our plan is not always THE plan.  Perspective is such a priceless gift.  We appreciate each of these little creatures for the miracles that they are. It is with that sentiment, and a heart full of gratitude that I celebrate being a thirty something mom... thirty-two to be exact. :)