Unrelated

Written by Alli

One of the last pictures taken of me, my sisters and my mom

I'm asking for your forgiveness in advance.  This post is not about infertility, or adoption, or anything baby related.  But since this is 1/4 my blog, I'm using it as my outlet for today.  This post is about my sweet mother who passed away 15 years ago today.  She was only 41 years old and had a lifetime of years ahead of her.  I remember very clearly so much about the weeks following up to her death.  She was diagnosed with cancer on July 12th.  By the time they found it, the cancer had spread to her brain, lungs and bones.  There was nothing they could do, although they offered some false hope.  None of us knew she would go downhill so fast.  None of us  expected to be without the woman who was our everything.  I'll never forget the early morning phone call on August 13th from my sister.  "Come home.  She doesn't have much time."  I rushed from my safe, college apartment in Utah and headed to Idaho.

I think my mom knew her time had come.  I think she knew she wouldn't be here on this earth much longer.  But I know she didn't know how soon.  We would lay on her bed until late in the night talking, planning my wedding and graduation from college.  She thought she would be there.  She thought she would make it.  I thought she would make it.

I met my high school friends at Pizza Hut so I could vent my frustrations.  I was looking at not having my mom for the most important moments of my life:  wedding, graduation, babies.  How would I ever be able to go through those things without her?  Why was my mom being taken?  Didn't the Lord know how much we needed her?  I wanted to so badly ask the Lord to spare her, but I never did.  I just prayed with all my heart, Thy will be done.

We gathered family around us that Sunday evening.  Beautiful blessings were given to me, my siblings and my dad.  We instantly felt peace and knew the Lord was aware of us.  Neighbors stopped by to say their goodbyes.  With each person, my mom would kiss them on the cheek and tell them she loved them. Then came Wednesday morning, August 18th.  My dad was in the bedroom trying to get her to take her medicine.  He would try to bribe her by offering a kiss.  That day, she was just too tired.  He told her she could go.  That she'd fought very hard and we would be ok without her.  He kissed her and she closed her eyes for the last time.  I was in my bedroom and my dad started calling for me.  I knew what he was going to say.  She was gone.  My beautiful mother was gone.  She looked so peaceful, away from the pain of this world.

At that moment, I didn't think things would ever be ok.  But looking back on 15 years without the woman I told everything to, things are ok.  I still miss her every day.  I still wish she could have met my husband and son.  I still wish I could call her when I'm having a bad day.  But she knows.  She's aware of me.  She loves me and one day, I'll get to see her again.  And boy, will we have a lot to talk about.