Jacob's Story (Guest post by Melanie)

I found out I was pregnant with my third child on October 10, 2013.  I already had two boys, Jayden who is nine and Joshua who is five years old.  We struggled with secondary infertility for almost four years before finally getting pregnant in October.  Both of my boys were so excited for another baby.  They came with us to my first doctor appointment and were able to hear our baby's heartbeat and see our baby on the ultrasound.  Our baby was so healthy, and in the words of my doctor, was "perfect". 

I started to feel some slight baby movements around week 16.  Not very often but I knew for sure it was my baby.  Around 19 weeks, I realized that I hadn't felt very much movement but tried to remind myself that it was still too early to feel movements everyday and tried not to worry.  I think deep down a part of me knew, or maybe I was just be prepared for what was to come.

Tuesday January 21, 2014 was my 20 week ultrasound.  We were all very excited to see our baby again and to find out if we were having a boy or a girl.  I was hoping for a girl, but just wanted a healthy baby and deep down I knew it was a boy.  We pulled our kids out of school so they could again attend the ultrasound.  As we were heading out the door, I turned to my husband and blurted out "will you be relieved if this baby is dead?"  I don't know where that thought came from, and my husband later told me that he was quite offended by it.

My in-laws were going to meet us for the ultrasound but were running late.  They took us back to the ultrasound room and started prepping me.  The tech teased with my boys that the gel she was putting on my tummy was the same gel used in their hair that morning.  Within seconds of my baby's image being up on the screen, the tech said "I don't have good news, do you want your boys in here?" My heart broke and my world stopped. My husband ushered my boys out of the room, to his parents who were walking down the hall. as I screamed and cried.  My baby was gone.  My baby that I waited and prayed for, was gone. Time seemed to stand still as I tried to comprehend what was happening.  My doctor came in to confirm this horrible news; my baby's image was again up before me and she pointed out where his heart was, his still heart.  The same heart that I heard beating just a few weeks ago. She was unable to determine the gender of the baby at this time.  She talked with us about our options.  I decided to be induced that day. 

With my in-laws staying with my boys, my husband and I checked into the hospital at noon to be induced.  The reality of my loss didn't hit me until we were talking with the hospitals social worker about setting up a burial for our baby.  I had to plan my baby's burial before I ever even held my baby. 

Labor took longer than I expected.  At some point during the process, I told my husband that I knew that the baby was a boy and that his name was to be Jacob Michael. He agreed that that felt right. 

Jacob Michael silently slipped from my body on Wednesday January 22, 2014 at 1:53 am. (a tender connection is that all my boys were born on a Wednesday)  His tiny perfect body only weighed 3 oz.  

I had complications with my placenta not detaching and had to have an epidural to have a D&C so I didn't see my baby for a few hours.  My friend from the Share Parents Group took his body to take molds of his hands and feet, to dress him and to take pictures.  She finally brought him to him.  I will be honest, I was scared to see him and was unprepared for how his body looked.  And he was so cold.  I was very concerned about holding him close and wrapping him up to warm his body.  My baby shouldn't be cold.  My husband and I took turns holding Jacob, telling him how much we loved him. Around 8 that morning, my in-laws brought our boys to meet their baby brother.  My husband and father-in-law gave Jacob a beautiful blessing.   We spent an hour as a family of five before I knew it was time to say goodbye.  I held Jacob one last time, telling him how sorry I was, how much I loved him and that he will always be my little angel. As the nurse carried him out of the room, we all bawled. My heart broke, not only for my loss, but for my boys who were mourning the loss of their baby brother.  The image of my boys crying is forever seared in my memory.

We held a simple yet special burial for Jacob on Friday January 24. It felt very surreal to be burying my baby.  We were preparing for his birth to change our lives, but instead our lives our forever changed by his death.

It has now been almost four months since we lost Jacob. A part of me died that cold January day, and I have had to learn to live again every day. Some days are easier than others.  Some moments are easier than others. I have been blessed with many sacred moments and have felt Jacob's spirit near several times. But I miss him every minute.  My heart hurts so much.

His would-be due date is fast approaching: June 13.  I should be setting up a crib and washing baby clothes; instead I decorate and visit my baby's grave. I should be attending doctor appointments, watching my unborn child grow; instead I attend counseling and a grieving parents group.  I should be prepping my boys for life with a newborn; instead we talk about death and heaven.

I feel humbled that Jacob chose me to be his mom.  I am grateful for my belief that I am eternally his mom and that one day he will be in my arms.  Every day that I am able to survive without him, is one day closer to be with him again.