If At First You Don't Succeed…. Try Try Again!

     My life hasn't gone completely as expected. I thought being a mom would happen easily, but it hasn't. Pregnancy is a crazy thing! We may not ever know why it works for some and others it doesn't, or how one day after years of trying it finally does work. After each of my pregnancies I've thought that I had figured out what I needed to do in order for me to get pregnant quickly the next time, because honestly when it comes to growing my family I am not the most patient person! But even with me, all my pregnancies have been achieved with different methods. Over the past years I have been pregnant six times! And none of them have been normal "just get pregnant and have a baby" pregnancies.

     I have been very nervous about sharing my infertility story publicly. I knew this would be a special and incredible thing for each of us to share our stories with others, I just didn't really know where I fit in. Infertility is defined as failure to achieve pregnancy after 12 months or more, which I do fall into that category with most of my pregnancies. But I do have two children, and its hard not to feel guilty when there are couples out there that are still struggling to bring one baby into their lives or have been trying to for a lot longer than I have. I don't want to seem ungrateful for the two children that I have been blessed with. I am incredibly grateful for them! Probably even more so now that I know I may not bring another baby home. My boys are my life. I can not imagine going through this past year without them. They have been there to cheer me up when I'm feeling discouraged and to distract me when I'm waiting for results. I know that my family is not complete and I don't think I will get rid of that feeling until I either have another baby, or know that I have done everything I possibly can do to at least try to achieve that. It's hard when you are not the one that gets to decide when your family is complete.  

      I've gone back and forth as to where  I should begin sharing my experiences with infertility. For being completely "normal" and healthy, I do have a pretty thick medical folder. But I decided to start with where I am at now. In about a month I am going to be starting my third round of IVF (in vitro fertilization). 

     This past January we found out that our second round of IVF was a success! I was so excited and it was such a relief to have gone through the whole IVF process and to have had it actually work this time. It was crazy to think that after 23 months of negative results, we finally got our positive. Our baby was due September 27th!

Baby at 7 Weeks

      I still tried not to get my hopes up, since I have miscarried in the past, but at that moment I was pregnant with a healthy baby that had a healthy heartbeat. I honestly felt this was the time. After so many negative outcomes over the past year, I thought there was no way anything would go wrong. Sadly, at almost 10 weeks we miscarried. Its still hard to think back to that morning, waking up and knowing something was wrong. I immediately called my Dr's office, I could barely get the words out that I believed I was miscarrying. They told me not to worry just yet because some of the medications do cause the same symptoms I was having, but I knew. I hurried into my Dr's office and it was confirmed that the baby no longer had a heartbeat. I still remember looking at our baby on the screen and her telling us that she could not find a heartbeat. I was devastated. I can't even describe the disappointment I felt. After trying everything we could think of for the past couple of years to get pregnant and then to finally have it happen, then to have it taken away was really discouraging to me. 

     We talked with my Dr about what now needed to happen with this pregnancy and where this left us. Since this was my third miscarriage, it was now a huge concern. She wanted to test the fetus to see if that's what was causing me to miscarry and then depending on that outcome, if we wanted, we could try another round of IVF as soon as I felt emotionally ready. 

     I like to think that I move on from things pretty quickly. I have a few days where I am upset and then I get back on the wagon. But this time it hit me hard. It seems completely unfair to have to deal with failed procedure after procedure, but to also have to worry about miscarrying if I do get pregnant. I feel like I am fighting so hard for something and trying everything I can think of to do, that others don't seem to have a hard time achieving at all. Its been hard. Its difficult for me to accept the possibility that we may not have another baby. 

     Its been a little over a month since my miscarriage. We recently found out that our baby we lost was perfect and healthy. Like I said earlier, I am "normal" and healthy. I've had extensive testing done over the past six months that has all come back normal. So while it makes me happy that there are no real problems, it also means there is nothing for us to fix or really change to increase our chances. Now all we can do is TRY again and HOPE for the best. My Dr is going to try a couple procedures in April that will hopefully help us get positive results when we make our third attempt at IVF in May. While I am not excited for our third round of IVF (it really is quite the process), I am grateful for the opportunity to at least be able to try again. My heart goes out to any of you that are are hoping for a child. I'm right there with you.