We are Due for a 'Big One'

Written by Rachel

I'm new to this whole blogging thing, so I'm part nervous, part excited, and frankly a little undecided about how to approach my story so that it makes any sense to someone else, seeing as it doesn't even make sense to me sometimes.  Some of my story includes the best and happiest moments I've ever experienced, while some of it relates my lowest of lows.  Sometimes I feel like parts of it didn't really happen, or I just wish they didn't really happen, and other times, my experiences and memories feel so overwhelmingly real, I feel like I am reliving everything that very moment and I have to step back, take a deep breath, and just refocus.  Anyway, since no one even knows what I'm talking about yet, I guess I better explain myself...

When I first got married, my husband and I weren't too worried about having kids right away.  We both finished school, traveled a little, worked, played, and just enjoyed life.  Things were just peachy.  Eventually, after about 4 years, we decided we were ready to start our family.  We had bought our first house the year prior, had a steady income, and just felt good about where we were in life.  And before we knew it, we were expecting our first little kiddo.  Even though we were ready for it, finding out that we were pregnant for the first time sent a shock through my system.  I couldn't believe it.  I was going to be a mom!  What!!??  It was hard for me to wrap my head around.

For brevity's sake here, I'll just mention that I had some slight complications during my pregnancy, including an intrauterine blood clot that formed in my first trimester that gave us a scare, but despite all that, I absolutely loved being pregnant.  I didn't mind the fact that I got heart burn, or that I looked (and felt) like I was carrying a perfectly shaped (but heavy!) beach ball squished right under my lungs that made it hard to breath and made me snore like, I don't know, something that snores a lot and loudly!  I even liked the fact that I gained more weight than I was probably 'supposed' to.  I was just so in love with the little person rolling around in my over-sized, stretched out belly and I loved being able to just watch and feel the movement from one side of my ribs to the other.  They really are a miracle, those babies.  So, finally, at just over 40 weeks, everything worked out and our amazing little girl was born.

I remember thinking around that time, "Wow, everything is going so well.  We are so blessed.  Life is good.  Life is too good."  And I literally thought to myself, "We are due for a trial.  I just know it.  We are due for a 'big' trial."  You know, those life changing ones.  Just what and when?  Mind you, we had trials, but compared to what other people go through all the time and in the eternal scheme of things, ours seemed insignificant and bearable and we seemed to be in the 'calm before the storm' phase of our lives.

A few months after our girl was born, my dad's company had layoffs, and unfortunately my dad lost his job.  I thought that maybe this was the trial that I had been dreading would come because it was a highly stressful and hard time for the family.  But even then, I thought, if this is the 'big one' of trials for us at the moment, we can handle this.  This isn't going to break us.  We are still so blessed.  We got this.

When our little girlie was just over a year, we found out we were pregnant again.  And again, we pretty much got pregnant right when we were ready to.  I had just stopped nursing and had thought that if I got pregnant again soon, the age difference between our kids would be perfect.  So when it actually happened, I could not believe how perfectly things were going.  My kids would be just under 2 years apart.  Yay!  I have a sister only 14 months younger than me, and I loved having someone to grow up with that was close in age because we could do everything together, so I was beyond excited.  We went in for our checkups and everything looked good.  The baby had a strong heartbeat and everything was fine and dandy.  Then, my husband and I went to the doctor's for my 16 week appointment.  The doctor was taking a little longer to start explaining what he was seeing when he finally said, "Well, looks like this one is head first, and...this one is breech."  Um, come again?  I sat there for a second, and then said "Wait, what did you say?" He repeated himself, and I stared at him and blurted out, "What?  There are TWO???"  He just had a huge grin on his face.  I looked at my husband and we just stared at each other for a second in disbelief.  The doctor then explained he never saw the other baby and the other heart beat until now.  We were in shock.  The first thing my husband said was "We are going to need a bigger car."  So, boom!  Another crazy/crazy good thing was happening.  It was amazing!

 My 19 week twin tummy

And then the storm hit.

When I found out we were having twins, I switched back to my original doctor who delivered our girl because he was a high risk doctor and specialized in twins, so I scheduled our next appointment with him.  My husband and I headed to the hospital, excited to hear how things were developing with the twins and get the detailed anatomy check.  We didn't want to find out what we were having just then, but we were going to have the doctor put the results in an envelope and open it on Christmas that next month.  We settled in with the ultrasound technician as she started to examine the babies.  We were just having small talk back and forth as we asked her to put the gender in an envelope and to also write it down separately so we could give it to my mother-in-law who wanted to get a head start making baby blankets for them.  A few minutes passed and the tech stood up and said that she needed to go get the doctor because she was having a hard time telling Baby A from Baby B, which was strange because she had just been showing them to us on the monitor and seemed to know just fine.  When she was out of the room, I just had this sickening feeling come over me.  I turned to my husband and said "I think something is wrong."  They never just get up and go get the doctor during the ultrasounds.  As soon as the doctor walked in the room, I immediately asked, "Is something wrong?  Did we lose one of them?"  Hoping with all hope that I was wrong.  He looked right at me, and, in a sincere and solemn tone, said "Actually, both."

I covered my mouth with my hand.  I was in shock.  I couldn't believe it.  I didn't want to believe it.  Then I knew...here was the trial that I feared.  This was the big one.