If At First You Don't Succeed…. Try Try Again!

     My life hasn't gone completely as expected. I thought being a mom would happen easily, but it hasn't. Pregnancy is a crazy thing! We may not ever know why it works for some and others it doesn't, or how one day after years of trying it finally does work. After each of my pregnancies I've thought that I had figured out what I needed to do in order for me to get pregnant quickly the next time, because honestly when it comes to growing my family I am not the most patient person! But even with me, all my pregnancies have been achieved with different methods. Over the past years I have been pregnant six times! And none of them have been normal "just get pregnant and have a baby" pregnancies.

     I have been very nervous about sharing my infertility story publicly. I knew this would be a special and incredible thing for each of us to share our stories with others, I just didn't really know where I fit in. Infertility is defined as failure to achieve pregnancy after 12 months or more, which I do fall into that category with most of my pregnancies. But I do have two children, and its hard not to feel guilty when there are couples out there that are still struggling to bring one baby into their lives or have been trying to for a lot longer than I have. I don't want to seem ungrateful for the two children that I have been blessed with. I am incredibly grateful for them! Probably even more so now that I know I may not bring another baby home. My boys are my life. I can not imagine going through this past year without them. They have been there to cheer me up when I'm feeling discouraged and to distract me when I'm waiting for results. I know that my family is not complete and I don't think I will get rid of that feeling until I either have another baby, or know that I have done everything I possibly can do to at least try to achieve that. It's hard when you are not the one that gets to decide when your family is complete.  

      I've gone back and forth as to where  I should begin sharing my experiences with infertility. For being completely "normal" and healthy, I do have a pretty thick medical folder. But I decided to start with where I am at now. In about a month I am going to be starting my third round of IVF (in vitro fertilization). 

     This past January we found out that our second round of IVF was a success! I was so excited and it was such a relief to have gone through the whole IVF process and to have had it actually work this time. It was crazy to think that after 23 months of negative results, we finally got our positive. Our baby was due September 27th!

Baby at 7 Weeks

      I still tried not to get my hopes up, since I have miscarried in the past, but at that moment I was pregnant with a healthy baby that had a healthy heartbeat. I honestly felt this was the time. After so many negative outcomes over the past year, I thought there was no way anything would go wrong. Sadly, at almost 10 weeks we miscarried. Its still hard to think back to that morning, waking up and knowing something was wrong. I immediately called my Dr's office, I could barely get the words out that I believed I was miscarrying. They told me not to worry just yet because some of the medications do cause the same symptoms I was having, but I knew. I hurried into my Dr's office and it was confirmed that the baby no longer had a heartbeat. I still remember looking at our baby on the screen and her telling us that she could not find a heartbeat. I was devastated. I can't even describe the disappointment I felt. After trying everything we could think of for the past couple of years to get pregnant and then to finally have it happen, then to have it taken away was really discouraging to me. 

     We talked with my Dr about what now needed to happen with this pregnancy and where this left us. Since this was my third miscarriage, it was now a huge concern. She wanted to test the fetus to see if that's what was causing me to miscarry and then depending on that outcome, if we wanted, we could try another round of IVF as soon as I felt emotionally ready. 

     I like to think that I move on from things pretty quickly. I have a few days where I am upset and then I get back on the wagon. But this time it hit me hard. It seems completely unfair to have to deal with failed procedure after procedure, but to also have to worry about miscarrying if I do get pregnant. I feel like I am fighting so hard for something and trying everything I can think of to do, that others don't seem to have a hard time achieving at all. Its been hard. Its difficult for me to accept the possibility that we may not have another baby. 

     Its been a little over a month since my miscarriage. We recently found out that our baby we lost was perfect and healthy. Like I said earlier, I am "normal" and healthy. I've had extensive testing done over the past six months that has all come back normal. So while it makes me happy that there are no real problems, it also means there is nothing for us to fix or really change to increase our chances. Now all we can do is TRY again and HOPE for the best. My Dr is going to try a couple procedures in April that will hopefully help us get positive results when we make our third attempt at IVF in May. While I am not excited for our third round of IVF (it really is quite the process), I am grateful for the opportunity to at least be able to try again. My heart goes out to any of you that are are hoping for a child. I'm right there with you.

We are Due for a 'Big One'

Written by Rachel

I'm new to this whole blogging thing, so I'm part nervous, part excited, and frankly a little undecided about how to approach my story so that it makes any sense to someone else, seeing as it doesn't even make sense to me sometimes.  Some of my story includes the best and happiest moments I've ever experienced, while some of it relates my lowest of lows.  Sometimes I feel like parts of it didn't really happen, or I just wish they didn't really happen, and other times, my experiences and memories feel so overwhelmingly real, I feel like I am reliving everything that very moment and I have to step back, take a deep breath, and just refocus.  Anyway, since no one even knows what I'm talking about yet, I guess I better explain myself...

When I first got married, my husband and I weren't too worried about having kids right away.  We both finished school, traveled a little, worked, played, and just enjoyed life.  Things were just peachy.  Eventually, after about 4 years, we decided we were ready to start our family.  We had bought our first house the year prior, had a steady income, and just felt good about where we were in life.  And before we knew it, we were expecting our first little kiddo.  Even though we were ready for it, finding out that we were pregnant for the first time sent a shock through my system.  I couldn't believe it.  I was going to be a mom!  What!!??  It was hard for me to wrap my head around.

For brevity's sake here, I'll just mention that I had some slight complications during my pregnancy, including an intrauterine blood clot that formed in my first trimester that gave us a scare, but despite all that, I absolutely loved being pregnant.  I didn't mind the fact that I got heart burn, or that I looked (and felt) like I was carrying a perfectly shaped (but heavy!) beach ball squished right under my lungs that made it hard to breath and made me snore like, I don't know, something that snores a lot and loudly!  I even liked the fact that I gained more weight than I was probably 'supposed' to.  I was just so in love with the little person rolling around in my over-sized, stretched out belly and I loved being able to just watch and feel the movement from one side of my ribs to the other.  They really are a miracle, those babies.  So, finally, at just over 40 weeks, everything worked out and our amazing little girl was born.

I remember thinking around that time, "Wow, everything is going so well.  We are so blessed.  Life is good.  Life is too good."  And I literally thought to myself, "We are due for a trial.  I just know it.  We are due for a 'big' trial."  You know, those life changing ones.  Just what and when?  Mind you, we had trials, but compared to what other people go through all the time and in the eternal scheme of things, ours seemed insignificant and bearable and we seemed to be in the 'calm before the storm' phase of our lives.

A few months after our girl was born, my dad's company had layoffs, and unfortunately my dad lost his job.  I thought that maybe this was the trial that I had been dreading would come because it was a highly stressful and hard time for the family.  But even then, I thought, if this is the 'big one' of trials for us at the moment, we can handle this.  This isn't going to break us.  We are still so blessed.  We got this.

When our little girlie was just over a year, we found out we were pregnant again.  And again, we pretty much got pregnant right when we were ready to.  I had just stopped nursing and had thought that if I got pregnant again soon, the age difference between our kids would be perfect.  So when it actually happened, I could not believe how perfectly things were going.  My kids would be just under 2 years apart.  Yay!  I have a sister only 14 months younger than me, and I loved having someone to grow up with that was close in age because we could do everything together, so I was beyond excited.  We went in for our checkups and everything looked good.  The baby had a strong heartbeat and everything was fine and dandy.  Then, my husband and I went to the doctor's for my 16 week appointment.  The doctor was taking a little longer to start explaining what he was seeing when he finally said, "Well, looks like this one is head first, and...this one is breech."  Um, come again?  I sat there for a second, and then said "Wait, what did you say?" He repeated himself, and I stared at him and blurted out, "What?  There are TWO???"  He just had a huge grin on his face.  I looked at my husband and we just stared at each other for a second in disbelief.  The doctor then explained he never saw the other baby and the other heart beat until now.  We were in shock.  The first thing my husband said was "We are going to need a bigger car."  So, boom!  Another crazy/crazy good thing was happening.  It was amazing!

 My 19 week twin tummy

And then the storm hit.

When I found out we were having twins, I switched back to my original doctor who delivered our girl because he was a high risk doctor and specialized in twins, so I scheduled our next appointment with him.  My husband and I headed to the hospital, excited to hear how things were developing with the twins and get the detailed anatomy check.  We didn't want to find out what we were having just then, but we were going to have the doctor put the results in an envelope and open it on Christmas that next month.  We settled in with the ultrasound technician as she started to examine the babies.  We were just having small talk back and forth as we asked her to put the gender in an envelope and to also write it down separately so we could give it to my mother-in-law who wanted to get a head start making baby blankets for them.  A few minutes passed and the tech stood up and said that she needed to go get the doctor because she was having a hard time telling Baby A from Baby B, which was strange because she had just been showing them to us on the monitor and seemed to know just fine.  When she was out of the room, I just had this sickening feeling come over me.  I turned to my husband and said "I think something is wrong."  They never just get up and go get the doctor during the ultrasounds.  As soon as the doctor walked in the room, I immediately asked, "Is something wrong?  Did we lose one of them?"  Hoping with all hope that I was wrong.  He looked right at me, and, in a sincere and solemn tone, said "Actually, both."

I covered my mouth with my hand.  I was in shock.  I couldn't believe it.  I didn't want to believe it.  Then I knew...here was the trial that I feared.  This was the big one.

Grief… It’s A Marathon Not A Sprint

Written by Brianna

First I have to admit that I just chuckled to myself as I used a running reference for the title of this post.  Try as I might I have yet to close the gap between myself, and a true runner… ahh a girl can dream.  Anyways I digress, I found this quote on grief the other day, and I found it very fitting…

I have found that whether it’s human nature, or society we have given ourselves very rigid parameters on how, when, where, and why we grieve.  This is especially true with pregnancy/baby loss.  Not only do we hold others to these standards, but we hold ourselves to them as well.  For myself I have found that grieving my babies is a life long journey… full of ups and downs, manageable moments, and intense unexpected emotional outbursts, but this is just me.  If there is one thing I have learned it’s that no two stories are the same, and there is no right or wrong when it comes to enduring one of life’s most personal and tender afflictions.

Where am I at now in this journey?  In order to answer that, I feel like I have to revisit where I was at during my lowest moment. 

I feel like this picture captured some of the rawest of emotions I have ever felt. I am holding our tiny baby Alex for the last time before we tucked her in her casket.  Alex was our second baby daughter we buried in less than a year’s time.  I was devastated.  I was not only grieving the loss of two babies, I was grieving the loss of the very real possibility that we would not have any more living children in this life.  My heart was broken, my stomach ached, my chest was so heavy breathing felt like a chore, and I felt like a shell of my former self. 

Today I am happy to report that I don’t have moments as intense as that anymore.  As people say, time heals all wounds.  “Heals” might be a strong word, but I do believe time makes things easier to live with.  I can also say that I have not been able to check grieve off of life’s to do list.  I still think about Alex and her big sister Demree all the time. When you lose a baby you don’t just lose a baby, which is heart breaking enough, you lose a lifetime.  I think about who they’d be, and how they would fit into our family.  Occasionally I still have emotional outbursts or as I like to call them ugly cries, but I have come to embrace those moments.  Those are the moments that remind me that what I went through was and is real.  It helps me feel close to them.  It helps remind me of the person I have become, and how grateful I am for their influence in my life.  It helps me know that they are never something I will just “get over”, and that’s a good thing… for me. :)

Meant To Be Ours

Alli's Story - Part 1

After years of trying to conceive, my husband said the words that changed everything:  "Don’t you think there are little souls that are meant to be ours, whether they come from us or from someone else?  It doesn't matter how they get here, they are meant to be ours." Those were the right words, at the right moment.  So powerful, so true.  In the eternal scheme, it didn't matter how we got a baby.  We are only entrusted to them by our Heavenly Father for a short time anyway.  They are His children, we are just here to help raise them in mortality. 

I’ve always dreamt of being a mother and then once you meet Prince Charming, you imagine what your children will look like.  I always envisioned she would have his eyes, and my legs (my high school legs, of course).  They would have his wit and my sensitivity.  The girls would get his natural curly hair and the boys would get my straight hair.  All of them would be precious brown haired, brown eyed pieces of us.  Pieces of two parents who loved each other very much and wanted to share that love through a family of their own. 

But sometimes, life doesn't give you what you want.  In fact, sometimes, it gives you something much better.  You can have the best intentions and life chooses to take you in a different direction.  That’s what happened to us.  Ours wasn't the typical Utah story.  I graduated with a Bachelor’s in Accounting and went right to work.  I loved working.  I loved the deadlines and the meetings and the satisfaction of seeing things done.  My husband graduated 3 years later and went to work as well.  Over the course of 7 years, we worked and moved and decided it was never “the right time” to have children.  We went through trials that strengthened and proved our love.  I discovered that my husband is the most wonderful, forgiving, kindest, loving man I’ve ever met.  I wanted nothing more than to see him as a father to our children.  So we put all our fears aside, and after 7 years of marriage, we took the plunge……..we started “trying”.

What a stupid word.  What a lame, useless, dumb word.  People can “try” all they want, but sometimes trying doesn't lead to doing.  I went to dinner with my three best friends right after we decided to start “trying”.  I cried as I told them we were going to “try” to have a baby.  They were all excited for me.   However, weeks turned into months and then months turned into years and the heartache just intensified. 

After a year we decided to do something.  So fertility drugs came into play.  5 months later, still nothing.  So then the IUI started and so did the humiliation of going to a clinic and trying to conceive.  It seemed like such a non-traditional way to start a life.  And yet, each time I prayed with all the energy of my heart that I would see the two lines on the pregnancy test and each time I only saw one.  I am grateful for the three cycles we did though.  I loved that time I got to spend with my husband.  We would always go to breakfast or lunch depending on the time of day and we would just enjoy the time we had together.  It was weird, but for those couple of hours, we had no worries.  We didn’t worry about jobs, or babies, or callings; we just spent time together.  It’s something I will always treasure.

At the time, it seemed like everyone around me was getting pregnant.  At one point there were 27 women pregnant in my neighborhood.  I felt so alone.  I didn't understand why I wasn't able to become pregnant.  I started to wonder if I was being punished for the sins of my past, or if I wasn't ready to be entrusted with a soul of our Heavenly Father’s.  It was a very difficult and sad time for me.  Then came the day when we had to make a decision, keep doing IUI, or move on to In-Vitro or Adoption.  IUI didn't feel right anymore, so the next step needed to be decided. 

I investigated IVF and adoption extensively.  I looked at websites and read testimonials.  I talked to people who had chosen IVF.  I considered the financial aspects of each.  I was always left confused and overwhelmed after I considered IVF.  But then I decided to look at the LDS Family Services website.  I browsed hundreds of adoptive profiles.  I wanted to see the families that were looking for children.  I wanted to know how I compared.  But as I was looking through them, I realized I was actually looking at the couples who had already adopted before and one thing was clear in every single picture…….the child that was placed with them was the child that was meant to be theirs.  There was no doubt in my mind.  Each and every child was with the right family.  It was amazing how much the children looked like the parents and the love on the parent’s faces was apparent in every single picture. 

After talking to a friend of mine about adoption, I knew that would be the right decision for us.  Looking back, I believe the Lord gave me that answer a year earlier.  At Stake Conference in 2010, there was a woman in our ward who talked about her experience with adoption.  I felt such a strong feeling at that meeting that she was doing a wonderful thing.  The thought came to me that I should adopt.  At the time, I dismissed the thought.  We had only been trying for over a year and thought I was just being emotional.  However, now I think the Lord was trying to help prepare me.  He knew it would take some time for me to become ready.

So, there we were.  Beginning to pursue adoption.  Dreading the conversation with our parents telling them the heartache and struggle we'd been going through.  Hoping for compassion and most of all, for acceptance. 

In the end, it didn't matter what anyone else thought.  All that mattered was……..he was meant to be ours.

To Read Part 2, Chosen, click here.

WELCOME!

We’re just four friends trying to build our families.........and nobody told us it would be this difficult.  Although infertility, loss and birth story blogs aren’t unique, one site with many different perspectives might be.  We each have a story and not one is the same.  One is trying for their Rainbow baby, one has their Rainbow baby, one is building through adoption while another is trying to build through IVF.  No matter how our children come to us, we can guarantee there will be tears, struggle and hope. That’s really what this blog is about…..Hope.  Because no matter how hard it is to get our babies here, we continue with Hope.  We want this to be a safe place.  A place where our stories can be told and questions can be asked.  We’ve been there.  We know the difficulties and we also know the joy.  And we find ourselves lucky enough to have each other.