Remembering

October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, as well as October 15th being National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.  I love taking the time to celebrate my babes who were born still, and taking stock of the ways they have touched our lives.

In October Utah Share holds "The Walk to Remember".  This event is a symbolic walk for loved ones to take the steps their babies will never take.  After a small walk around the park there is a giant balloon release.  During this balloon release they read off all the littles names as their families release balloons heaven bound, some with messages written on them.

I love the walk.  I love the symbolism of it all.  I love that my babies here get a chance to remember sisters they don't see every day.  I love that for those few hours I get to relish in the thought of five daughters instead of three, and when people ask how many kids we have they really want to know about them... all of them.  I am saddened to see that there are others who are living without a piece of their hearts too, but find strength in our ability to lift each other up.  I love giving our babies an "event" of  their own.  I love to remember. :')

The other way we like to remember is by participating in the Wave of Light.  I usually post something like this on my Facebook in hopes of spreading the word...

I love when friends, and family either post or send me pictures with their candles lit on October 15th.  It is such a small gesture, but usually that's the best kind.  I feel of their love for me, our family, and our babies that they never got to know.

Happy October little babies.  May your short, little lives continue to change the world for the better. 

I'm in Good Company

Written by Alli

In June, I got a call from my sister.  I was headed into my niece's dance recital, but stopped cold in my tracks when my sister said, my friend is working with a girl who is thinking of placing her baby.  I started shaking and tears streamed down my face.  I received a strong confirmation, this was going to be our next baby.  After the recital I went home to tell Paul and we worked all weekend getting our adoption blog put together so the expectant mom would have something to look at.  Then we waited.  And waited. Nothing happened.  Of course I thought she didn't like us.  I was confused.  I had received a strong confirmation we were meant to know her.  Of course, yet again, I was given a lesson in patience.

Two months later, I finally got up the nerve to ask my sister if she'd given our blog to her friend.  She said that she had and she'd find out what was going on.  My sister called back later that day and said she'd heard from her friend and she had just barely told her about us that day.  Then my sister started to give me some details about the girl and the baby.  She was telling me the due date and was about to tell me the sex, but I already knew it was a girl.  When my sister confirmed this, I started shaking and crying again.  This was yet another confirmation that this was something we needed to pursue.

Things moved really quick after that.  After a quick phone call with "S", the expectant mom, we set up a date to meet.  We texted until we got to meet, and once we met, everything was solidified.  We both felt this was right and "S" told us she wanted us to raise her daughter.  We instantly fell in love with "S" and are so glad she will forever be part of our family.

It's been a couple weeks since this whirlwind happened.  Things are rough and a little scary right now.  There have been a few hiccups and our confidence is shaken.  We're trying to hang on to faith.  These next couple months are going to be hard.  Please continue to pray for our family and for "S".  Please also pray for the expectant father.

I saw this quote and instantly connected with it.  Paul and I have been trying hard on a lot of things lately and life just seems to keep getting harder.  However, it made me feel better about our current situation, which is weird, because the quote doesn't say everything will work out.  It doesn't say, everything will be ok.  What it does say is, I'm in good company.  I consider a lot of you, "the best that have ever lived".  You've made it through dark times and become stronger because of it. We'll make it through this and hopefully at the end of this tumultuous journey, baby girl will be in our arms.

Broken

This Friday is our second Angel Baby, Alex’s, 3^rd birthday.  In honor of her, I thought it was time to share her birth story that I originally shared on my personal blog shortly after she left us.  Sorry in advance... it is a little long, but I know she deserves every word. :’)

Originally written SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 11, 2011

Broken...

On early Friday morning, September 2nd, I was up in Park City, UT waking up from our annual Swiss Days overnight stay with my mom and friends. My sleep had been restless at best so I decided to calm my nerves I would use my Doppler to check on our baby. I looked patiently for a steady heartbeat, but only found inconsistent readings. I put down the Doppler to get in the shower. At this point I was starting to panic. I found myself praying through tears in the shower that I was being irrational. When I got out I tried to pull it together as not to disrupt the day. I obviously am not good at this, and my mom knew of my fear so she suggested we go to a clinic in town and get an ultrasound to ease my frantic mind. I agreed.

Navigating Park City was a joke. Everything looks the same, and it was too early to ask anyone for directions. I really wanted a clinic in an effort to save money, but when we called one we found out they didn't open until 8:00 am and she wasn't sure if they had an ultrasound machine. Unfortunately this individual was so ill informed she didn't even know the address to the hospital... we were on our own. After being led astray by the GPS once, we pulled into the parking lot to a school to decide what to do. All the while I am using my Doppler, but the readings were still so inconsistent. By inconsistent I mean the heart rate would spike and then come back down to what would be considered my pulse rate. We decided to leave the school parking lot, and head towards the outlets. Not a half a mile out of the school we saw a blue hospital sign. We followed it with relief, and pulled into the ER sure to ease crazy Brianne's mind.

I was in tears as we entered the ER. My mom and I went right up to admit and my mom requested firmly she needed to pay for an ultrasound, and explained briefly my medical history. The admit clerk was very kind, and said we would need a doctors order, but they weren't very busy and could accommodate me fast. I was lead straight back by a doctor, a nurse, and an orderly. The doctor went over my history, and asked if I had any bleeding, cramping, contractions, or recent accident. I answered no, but explained about the readings I was getting on my Doppler. She said she had already ordered an ultrasound and they had a hospital Doppler ready to see what they could find.

The nurse began to administer the Doppler as I lay there. At first she too could only pick up my pulse rate, but then she started to get some higher readings. No sound, but at least readings she was picking up. She then explained how it will be interesting to see where the baby and the placenta are positioned, because that could be why it was so hard to get a reading. As they wheeled me into ultrasound, I felt a little more hopeful. I kept relying on at least the nurse saw something. This faded fast as the ultrasound tech began. Instead of immediately showing me the heartbeat, she told me she was going to take some measurements. After losing Demree I knew this was a bad sign. I quickly asked with a crackled voice if she could see a heartbeat, to which she soberly replied "I don't".

At this point I can't remember how loud I cried out. I'm sure it was a lot louder in my head than it actually was. Through tears I asked my crying mother to call Nate who didn't even know I was at the hospital... I didn't want to have to worry him. She stepped out and did so while the tech continued to take measurements. I knew our baby's size would be close to where it should because I had good fetal heart tones not even two days prior. Our baby's death was recent. Our baby was measuring seventeen weeks as it should, and I didn't even have to be told that I would have to deliver again. I knew it.

The doctors then proceeded to have radiologists look at the ultrasound to be sure, and they also tried to contact my doctor who I later found out was out of town. The radiologists came to the same conclusion which was no shock to me... I had seen our still child with my own eyes. Next I talked to my doctor, Julia, over the phone who was in Lake Powell. She urged me to wait until she could get back. I struggled with this, but knew I would have to wait a little while because my regular hospital was very full. I left my conversation with Julia with not being sure of our plans, but expecting a call back from her or her office. I could tell she was as astonished as me. She said she has never had two fetal demises at almost the exact same gestation. All I could think was this is not something I wanted to be in the record books for.

Of course Nate could not stay away from me even though I was soon to be released from the hospital in Park City. His dad drove him to me, and he was there right before I was able to leave. Oh how I love this man. My heart breaks for the pain I know he has suffered. Even in the worst of situations I feel comforted in his presence... he is my rock.

On the drive home Julia's office called me and told me they had my induction scheduled for Sunday night. I asked if there was any way to do it earlier, and they said Julia really wanted to be there so I reluctantly agreed.

Since our original plans included going to the cabin for the extended weekend, we decided to send the girls anyways. As much as I wanted to have them home, because it makes me feel better, it would have been selfish. No child needs to see their parent that sad, that out of it, that lost. I then spent the next two days as a walking tomb, while Nate tried to take care of me. It was hard, and that is an understatement. My insides felt crushed, and I had to remind myself to breathe. I also watched my body physically change. My little, hard baby bump was already shrinking, I felt no hunger, and my skin even started to clear. My body was clearly no longer nourishing my baby, and it was apparent.

On Sunday morning I got a call that I didn't answer, and Sunday around noon I got another call from the same number. This time I listened to the messages, and found out it was the hospital informing me of a miscommunication. Julia would not be back for a day longer than they expected, so if I wanted to have her there I would need to schedule for Monday night, but if I wanted to use her partner on call I could stick with our original plan. My heart sunk. I really wanted Julia to be there, but I really knew I couldn't wait another twenty-four hours. I decided to use her partner, and then we asked if I could come any sooner. They said any time, so with in an hour or two we were off.

After we arrived at the hospital, and were admitted, Nate asked if I could have another ultrasound just to be sure. My nurse, Renae (same nurse who delivered M and is the mother of my best friend from high school), said that would be fine. This ultrasound tech was much more sympathetic to our situation, and asked before she started if we wanted to know what she was doing while she was doing it. I liked that I would know what she was measuring, and I found this part very helpful. So there again I stared at the screen as she showed us our still baby. She took many measurements, and our baby was measuring 17 weeks 1 day. I asked her to tell us if she could see what the gender was since we had originally planned to not find out. She said since the baby isn't moving it is hard because you only get one angle, but asked if we would like her to guess. I said yes, and she said her best guess is "girl". I told her she was probably right since that is all we make, something that I am really so proud of. From there, with our minds at ease, we went back to my room so I could officially be started.

Before they started the drugs, Nate and his dad gave me a Priesthood blessing. I am always thankful, especially at times like these, for the Priesthood being so present in my life. The next nine hours consisted of cramping, chills, beeping machines, and very little sleep so I wouldn't take a chance of missing anything. At around 3:00am I felt, and heard a pop. My water had broke. I called my nurse in immediately and she checked me to reveal I was dilated to a 5, and they thought they could feel a hand or a foot. Next they placed an epidural which I really didn't need, but if you don't get it and the placenta doesn't detach, you take the risk of having surgery right away to remove it. Time is SO precious with these little babies it is just not worth the risk of losing one minute.

At 3:42am on September 5th, 2011, I gave birth to our second celestial daughter, Alex Beth. She weighed 5 oz and was 7 1/2 inches long... same length as Demree. She came out with the cord wrapped loosely around her arm, but everything else was normal including her cord and placenta. Alex was perfect looking. All of her features and parts were so tiny yet SO perfect... all she needed was more time to grow. At this point I was thankful for the time spent before the hospital to mourn. I really felt like I could take her in to the fullest.

Share came to the hospital to make foot molds and take pictures of our sweet baby. Both of the women who came, Toni and Tanya, are my friends on Facebook. They of course felt awful that I was here again in less than a year's time. Toni has suffered multiple losses as well, and her insight was very helpful. Again I was astonished at there giving spirits, and only hope to pay it forward one day. Share is truly an inspired program.

After Alex was born, and the doctor got there to look things over I asked him what my options were so I could get some answers. He said they could do chromosome testing, which is very expensive and he doubted we would get any answers since her little body showed no signs of chromosome abnormality. We also had the option of an autopsy, but he doubted they would find anything there either. He also said that after autopsy they can't promise there would be much of her left, and this didn't sit well with me or Nate. For routine purposes they will still autopsy the placenta and cord, but again they are doubtful they will find anything. So for now we are left with mountains of questions that we may never get answers for. This has to be one of the hardest parts.

As the morning went on we knew that it was time to say goodbye to our little one. We were so exhausted, and we knew we still had the task at hand of telling our girls there would be no more baby after Christmas, and that we had another family member in Heaven with Heavenly Father and Jesus. Renae called the mortuary, and since it was a holiday they were short handed. We loved and kissed our little Alex goodbye, and left her in Renae's capable hands until the mortuary could pick her up. Again I will say that leaving the maternity floor empty handed makes for the longest wheel chair ride ever. It is lonely... very lonely.

We picked up our girls, and broke the news. M was pretty upset. Her bottom lip hung out in an effort to hold back her tears. We explained that it is okay to be sad, okay to cry, and reminded her again that Alex is now with Demree in Heaven doing lots of important stuff. I am pretty sure J understood to best of three year old ability. I know she no longer asks if I have a baby in my tummy, so our message must have been received. They took it like I expected... hard, but kids always take things better than adults. Their innocence helps them to accept what comes, and know it will be okay. As parents this part was so hard for us. Explaining death to such young kids, and also disappointing them that there will be no baby in our house to hold was and is crushing.

The next few days were spent crying, and planning Alex's graveside. We kept the girls going to school, and I did my best to avoid people in general... I still am doing that. On Friday, September 9th, 2011, we laid Alex Beth to rest. She is buried in the plot bordering Demree on the west side. It was a beautiful little service with our immediate family honoring Alex's brief existence on this earth. Nate did a great job dedicating her grave, something I know is so hard for him, but something he would never let anyone else do. I couldn't help but stare at Alex's little casket, and then stare at Demree's gravestone, and then think in disbelief that I really am here doing this again. 

Now I wake up every morning full of sorrow that Alex is no longer growing below my heart. I feel broken... my body, my spirit, and most of all my heart. I understand where she is now, and I know this is part of the plan... her plan, the Lord's, and ours. In no way do I feel this is fair, but life isn't. I wanted this baby so bad... maybe more than anyone has ever wanted a baby, or at least I like to think so. I tried to give her a perfect home for her seventeen short weeks of life, and I prayed often for her safe arrival. I now am trying to re-establish what normal is... again.

One thing I do know is that we are loved. We may have the best support system ever. We know if people could they would do ANYTHING to ease our pain. For this we are so very thankful.

Alex, we love you baby... eternally.

Unrelated

Written by Alli

One of the last pictures taken of me, my sisters and my mom

I'm asking for your forgiveness in advance.  This post is not about infertility, or adoption, or anything baby related.  But since this is 1/4 my blog, I'm using it as my outlet for today.  This post is about my sweet mother who passed away 15 years ago today.  She was only 41 years old and had a lifetime of years ahead of her.  I remember very clearly so much about the weeks following up to her death.  She was diagnosed with cancer on July 12th.  By the time they found it, the cancer had spread to her brain, lungs and bones.  There was nothing they could do, although they offered some false hope.  None of us knew she would go downhill so fast.  None of us  expected to be without the woman who was our everything.  I'll never forget the early morning phone call on August 13th from my sister.  "Come home.  She doesn't have much time."  I rushed from my safe, college apartment in Utah and headed to Idaho.

I think my mom knew her time had come.  I think she knew she wouldn't be here on this earth much longer.  But I know she didn't know how soon.  We would lay on her bed until late in the night talking, planning my wedding and graduation from college.  She thought she would be there.  She thought she would make it.  I thought she would make it.

I met my high school friends at Pizza Hut so I could vent my frustrations.  I was looking at not having my mom for the most important moments of my life:  wedding, graduation, babies.  How would I ever be able to go through those things without her?  Why was my mom being taken?  Didn't the Lord know how much we needed her?  I wanted to so badly ask the Lord to spare her, but I never did.  I just prayed with all my heart, Thy will be done.

We gathered family around us that Sunday evening.  Beautiful blessings were given to me, my siblings and my dad.  We instantly felt peace and knew the Lord was aware of us.  Neighbors stopped by to say their goodbyes.  With each person, my mom would kiss them on the cheek and tell them she loved them. Then came Wednesday morning, August 18th.  My dad was in the bedroom trying to get her to take her medicine.  He would try to bribe her by offering a kiss.  That day, she was just too tired.  He told her she could go.  That she'd fought very hard and we would be ok without her.  He kissed her and she closed her eyes for the last time.  I was in my bedroom and my dad started calling for me.  I knew what he was going to say.  She was gone.  My beautiful mother was gone.  She looked so peaceful, away from the pain of this world.

At that moment, I didn't think things would ever be ok.  But looking back on 15 years without the woman I told everything to, things are ok.  I still miss her every day.  I still wish she could have met my husband and son.  I still wish I could call her when I'm having a bad day.  But she knows.  She's aware of me.  She loves me and one day, I'll get to see her again.  And boy, will we have a lot to talk about.

Challenge Accepted?

One of my favorite shows was (and still is) How I Met Your Mother.  One of my favorite characters is Barney.  He says witty things like, "Legen....wait for it.....dary", "Newer is always better", and "Suit Up".    My favorite is that no matter what someone is talking about, he will always say, without hesitation, "Challenge. Accepted".  Most of the time, there wasn't even a challenge issued, but he chose to live life saying yes.  

Today, I am asking you to embrace Barney and accept a challenge.  It is a fact that expectant parents find their child's adoptive parents most often through someone they know.  I need your help.  We can't do this without you.  Our expectant parent is trying to find us and we are trying to find her.  This is the most important thing you can do for us.  Please share our profile (www.paulandalliadopt2.blogspot.com).  It is as simple as clicking on the "Share" button on Facebook and letting all your friends see us.  Carter's birth mom was found because Paul shared our profile and one of his friends saw it.  It was that simple.  It takes 2 seconds and it could change lives......ours, our expectant parents and our future child's.  

So today, are you willing to say, "Challenge Accepted"?

Memorial Ceremony for the Twins

Written by Rachel

Three days after we found out we were probably having a miscarriage, the hospital held their annual memorial for all the stillborns lost that past year who were buried in the nearby cemetery. They had just had the previous ceremony a week or two prior to the birth of Maddox and Sampson, so we barely missed it and had to wait almost a whole year before the twins were finally honored there.

It was a heavy weekend for me. We had the opportunity to honor and remember our angel boys, and at the same time, I knew I was carrying another little piece of our family that wasn't going to make it, either. My heart felt like it had weights wrapped around it, pulling it to the floor, and wherever I walked, I was just dragging the weight behind me like a shadow filled with cement. I had hoped with all my might that by the time this ceremony came, we would be preparing to welcome a new member to the family.  I had hoped I would finally be close to using the new car seat cover I had bought when I found out we were having twins. I wished I was 50 pounds heavier and that my feet were swollen beyond recognition. But once again, my tear-filled eyes were the only things swollen.

The ceremony was held in the cemetery.  It was different than I expected, but the sentiment was there and I greatly appreciate the people who cared and put it together.  We had family members there showing their love and support. As I read the boys' names out loud during the ceremony, it reminded me how real they are.  It was a nice day to reflect on how lucky we are to be the parents to Maddox and Sampson.  Even though they were only here for a moment, they are forever a part of me, for which I am eternally grateful.

^^luckily the ceremony wasn't short of entertainment, er, bugs for this kid ^^

It seems like I can describe a lot of my recent experiences as bitter sweet, and this was no exception. Honoring my lost babies and preparing to lose another one that same week definitely played with my emotions. I was still holding on to that minute chance that my next ultrasound would magically show a healthy, growing baby, but I was also bracing myself for the worst, a skill I feel like I could now confidently put on a resume.

Because of Her

By Alli

This is one of my most favorite people in the whole world, Carter's Birth Mom "E".  

Because of her, I get to change diapers, and sweep the floor 14 times a day.  Because of her, I get to play trains and dinosaurs and Lego's.  Because of her I get to worry about broken bones and bruises.  Because of her I am exhausted most of the time and usually get to share all my meals.  Because of her, I get to go down slides and play in the pool.  Because of her, I get to read the same books over and over and watch Super Why countless times each week.  Because of her, all my shirts have some sort of food or slobber all over them and I never get to use the bathroom alone.  Because of her I get to tickle and kiss and chase.  Because of her, my living room floor is covered in toys and my laundry is never finished.  Because of her, I have an excuse to eat granola bars and fruit snacks.  Because of her, I get snuggles and slobbery kisses and an occasional head butt.  Because of her I get to see the world through the eyes of a child.  Because of her I have a constant shadow and friend to be with me all day long.  Because of her, I can never have a bad day because there is always a reason to smile.

Because of her, I am a mother.