Happy 4th of July Weekend!

Written by Rachel

Since we were out celebrating this great country on Friday, I didn't get the chance to write a post to wrap up Rachel Week.  So I'll just share some pictures of our festivities for the day.  We sure are blessed to live here!  There are so many things I take for granted, so I love that we have a holiday to remember the liberties that we enjoy...Plus it's just a perfect day to spend with family! ;) Oh, and thanks for following along for Rachel Week!!  There is definitely more to come, so stay tuned...

A little patriotic parade fun

^^My little buddy^^

^^Waiting for fireworks...and yes, Harper and I struggle with the camera flash. ^^

^^Harper decided this year that she was scared of the loud fireworks, so...

...we watched Frozen and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang clips on YouTube like this the whole time instead.^^

Here We Go Again

First comes love, then comes marriage, then come the babies and the miscarriage.  I'm really glad those aren't the real words to that little ditty.  That makes life sound a bit bleak.  But they are the words that make up my song.  I was incredibly excited when Harper joined our family, thrilled to find out when we were having twins, crushed when Maddox and Sampson didn't make it, and then anxious for the day I would find out we're pregnant again.

It didn't happen immediately, and that freaked me out a bit.  Harper and the twins weren't any trouble at all, and then after the 6 months after delivering the boys like my doctor had recommended waiting (even though we cheated), still nothing was happening.  A couple months after that, I went in for a sonohysterogram to see if there was any scar tissue from the delivery of the twins (I was worried the struggle to scrape the placenta out and the emergency curettage might have left some damage).  This procedure is basically an ultrasound where they fill the uterus with dye to check to see if I had scar tissue buildup that was preventing me from getting pregnant.

As soon I as walked into the office, the nurse had me take a pregnancy test first to make sure I wasn't pregnant ("Oh good, looks like you're NOT pregnant!"), and then I was led into the room.  During the procedure, the fertility specialist said everything looked good.  There was no scar tissue and he didn't see anything that looked wrong.  He gave me some fertility pamphlets and papers, and as I prepared to leave the office, he said "A lot of people get pregnant the month they have this procedure, because it kind of flushes and clears everything out, so..."  Finally, a reason to have some hope!

In a weird way, I was almost hoping that the doctor HAD found some scar tissue so that I would have some possible explanation as to why I wasn't getting pregnant yet so I could actually do something about it, but it was also reassuring that they couldn't find anything that looked to be preventing me from getting pregnant.  And I was excited that my odds were up this month and we might finally see the double lines on the stick again.  And what do you know...a few weeks later and we were prego!  Happy day!

It is a totally different experience finding out you are pregnant after you've had pregnancy loss.  You want to feel excited, but at the same time, the anxiety and nervousness seem to sweep over you, and any time that excitement creeps in, the worry overpowers it and completely squashes it.  At least that's how it was for me.   I think it's a defense mechanism.  I didn't want to have that overwhelming joy that I had when I was pregnant with the twins because I didn't want to feel the complete heartbreak if something happened again.  I needed to keep some sort of wall up this time so I would be somewhat prepared to deal with any non-welcome surprises.   It's unfortunate really, because it should be an exciting time.  I wish I had the desire to start putting the new baby's room together.  I wish I wanted to start figuring out what names I love and how it sounds with our last name.  I wish that I wanted to run into Harper's room and tell her she is going to be a big sister (I had actually bought her a shirt earlier that said "big sister" on it because I was convinced she would be able to wear it within the next year).  But I didn't.  I couldn't.  I was too scared that it would all be for nothing again.  So I decided to wait.

No 'Big Sister' shirt just yet, so the Ute jersey had to do

Not a week had gone by when I started to bleed on and off.  And it was the day my family was headed out of town for Labor Day weekend.  The timing was awful.  I called my doctor's office and the nurses had me hurry in for a Rhogam shot because of the RH factor in my blood.  After discussing my symptoms, they determined it was possible I was having a miscarriage (or I could just be spotting) but I could still go on my trip and then take another pregnancy test the day I got back to see if it still showed I was pregnant.  I tried to enjoy our vacation as best as I could with the question of my pregnancy always on my mind.  We all had a great time, but as soon as I got back, I anxiously took the test and saw 'positive' again.  I was so relieved!  I called the doctor's office again and they scheduled my first official OB appointment with my doctor for a couple weeks later.

Our ham and cheeser heading out on our trip

Again, I didn't want to get too excited, especially now that I had some doubt planted in my head.  My doctor found out that I was scheduled for the appointment and he had heard about what had happened, so he called me and told me to just sneak in and see him for a quick ultrasound before I came in for an official visit so we could take a look and just make sure everything was ok.  I was babysitting my sister-in-law's kids for 10 days at their house around this time, so I arranged to have my husband come over early in the morning to take over and I headed to the hospital where my doctor was going to meet me.  I was nervous the whole drive in.  I had butterflies (not the good kind) and my hands shook a little bit as I walked into the dark ultrasound room.

I sat staring at the monitor as my doctor moved the ultrasound wand around, and when he finally found something, I knew again that it wasn't good.  My doctor showed me where my baby was (or should have been), but he said it wasn't measuring where it should.  I was 7 weeks, but it was only measuring at 5.  He said there should have been more development at that point.  I released a huge sigh as tears once again filled my eyes as he said the words, "I don't think this one is going to work out."  My doctor put his arms around my shoulder and told me how sorry he was as I walked out into the empty halls.  He wanted me to come back for one more follow-up ultrasound a week later because he wanted to be 100% sure before we went forward with removing it from my body, which I appreciated.  I still wanted to believe that there was a tiny chance something might change in the next 7 days, but deep down I knew...I was having a miscarriage.

Who is This Rachel Person?

I've been trying to think of what to write about today, but frankly, today is just one of those days where I want to sit in my pajamas, eat ice cream out of the carton, and watch Downton Abbey for 8 straight hours.  Ever have those days??  I'm not going to lie- everyday is an 'eat ice cream out of the carton' day for me :) That just always sounds delightful.  But that's beside the point.

I just feel like going with a bit lighter feel today for the ol' blog post.  Maybe let people get a little glimpse of me as a person (outside of my fertility fun) and maybe we can feel a little more like cyber friends :)

Here are some random things you should know about me:

--Most people think I'm shy, which I generally am if I don't know you well, but I have a a secret outgoing side (my favorite side :) that only few know about me (my dad says I am a 'closet actor', just to give you an idea)

^^Karaoke night where I sang Prince's 'Kiss'^^

--I love playing games (board games, yard games, any type of game, really) and this might be my motto...

                  ....but what happens in the game, stays in the game.  We can be friends again after!

--Oh, and don't cheat in a game with me.  I will call you out and you might cry.

--I can't laugh out loud if I tried.  The only ways someone can tell I'm laughing is if they see my shoulders shake or hear me trying to catch my breath afterward.  I am a horrible audience member in comedy clubs!

--I believe life is an adventure and I love to laugh (quietly, of course) and find the fun and humor in situations, even, and especially, when things don't go as planned.

--Speaking of adventure, I love to travel to new places, and adventures we have! (see pics below)

--I don't get scared easily.  My husband on the other hand...

--I love sports.  I love watching them (most of them) and I love playing them.  If I had the choice to hang with the guys and watch/play a basketball game or go get pedicures with the ladies, I would choose the basketball game every time.

--Yardwork?  Yes please!  I love it.  I'm a blue-collar worker at heart.

A couple more serious things you should know about me:

--I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints (I'm a Mormon!) and I love it.  My faith in the teachings and principles of our church gets me through many a rough day.

--I've got my family's back.  And I seriously have the best family around.  Immediate family, extended (I always get teased for how much I do with my cousins), in-laws, the works.

So, back on a serious note, even though I've experienced loss and hardship, it doesn't entirely define who I am.  Rather than any one thing defining me, I feel like everything comes together to continually develop me, including the trials I've gone through.  I'm still generally a happy, fun-loving person.  I just have to remind myself of that sometimes when I don't feel it ;)  Hope you've gotten to know a little more of the lighter side of me and that it doesn't scare you away!  Happy Wednesday!

We backpacked through Europe after college- started in London and never knew which country we'd be sleeping in next!

^^Doing our best impressions of chickens and the Heisman at the Eiffel Tower^^

^^Staying in the Alps in Gimmelwald, Switzerland^^

Cinque Terre, Italy...best pizza and gelato ever!

We joined along the Sound of Music tour in Austria

^^Visited Hitler's Eagle's Nest in Germany, or what looked to us like Lord of The Rings territory...

...while also marketing our sprite campaign^^

^^Neuschwanstein Castle in Germany^^

^^Last stop...Copenhagen, Denmark!^^

Snuck in one last adventure the year before Harper joined the fam in the magical Islands of Tahiti, where the hubby served his LDS mission

 

I am Loving It (and the Twins' Due Date)

Written by Rachel

Today, I'm posting another journal entry (and my last one I'd written...I am the worst journal writer ever!  So I'm glad I have this blog now to help me document things...gives me the kick in the pants I need to write things down).  This entry was written on the twins' actual due date.  Seems like forever ago and just yesterday at the same time.  And, of course, I have to include a picture overload.

April 4, 2013

                Today is Maddox and Sampson’s due date.  Wow.  It is a weird feeling because so far, I would always think to myself how far along in my pregnancy I would have been with them, and it has kind of kept them at the forefront of my mind.  But now that I am at the date where my pregnancy calculator stopped with them, it feels like there will be some sort of void, even though I will still think to myself how old they would be almost every day and look at the kids that would have been their age and wonder what could have been.  But today, my feelings are hard to explain.  Of course I will still think about them every day for who knows how long, and they have a permanent place in my heart and our family, but it seems surreal.  I would for sure have been holding Maddox and Sampson in my arms by today.  I would be feeding them every couple of hours, changing their diapers over and over, waking up at least a few times each night, trying to keep Harper happy and fed and clothed while babies cry for their own attention, and I would be loving every minute of it.  I would be loving being so sleep deprived that I couldn’t remember what I ate for breakfast 2 hours ago because I had been up all night with two precious little boys needing all my time and love and attention.  I would be loving trying to figure out how to load 3 kids in the car in under half an hour all by myself.  I would be loving picking out little boy clothes and trying to decide whether or not to buy the twins matching sets or something different so we could tell them apart easier.  I would be loving staring at their cute identical little faces and trying to figure out the features that set them apart and make them any less identical.  I would be loving watching Harper sit on the couch holding each of the boys in her little lap while trying to give them hugs and kisses nonstop.  I would be loving Harper helping me push the boys in their double stroller I never got to buy or helping me change their diapers or give them baths.  I would just be loving everything about those two little boys.  So many things I want to be doing right now with my little Maddox and Sampson.

 But I guess Heavenly Father had a different plan in mind for me today.  Instead of all the ‘would be loving’, I actually am loving spending every waking hour thinking how lucky I am to have Harper.  I am loving hearing Harper count to ten as fast as she can, then sometimes even continuing on to twenty when she’s in the mood for it.  I am loving Harper asking me to sing the ABC’s or Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and then her singing along with me.  I am loving waking up every morning to Harper’s little voice chattering over the monitor and sometimes yelling ‘Mom’ as loud as she can so I know she’s ready to get out of her crib.  I am loving trying to figure out what food Harper will like to eat for the day, since it seems to be changing daily.  I am loving Harper asking for carrots and dip, then just sucking the dip off the carrots and eventually just sticking her face in her bowl to lick all the dip clean…forget the carrots…although she is actually starting to eat the carrots now, too.  I am loving how Harper has become bossy to our dog, Millie, and will yell at her “Millie come!”  or “Millie sit stay!” with such a sweet little attitude, and then scream with laughter if Millie actually listens to her and comes toward her.  I am loving how Harper stands in the cart and grabs clothes off the racks at the store, holds them up, and says ‘cute!’ as she throws it into the cart and grabs the next thing she can reach and does the same thing.  I am loving how much fun Harper has playing with Matt when he comes home from work and how she will sit by the laundry room door waiting for him to come inside when she hears the garage door opening.  I am loving how Harper loves to play with other kids so much and yells out ‘kids!’ whenever she sees them playing.  I am loving how Harper yells out ‘Amen!’ during the prayers whenever she wants it to be done, whether or not it is.  I am loving how Harper points out the color of every traffic light and thinks I’m magic when I tell it to turn green and it does.  I am loving that Harper knows how to say hippopotamus, among many many other things.  She really is a smarty pants.  I am even loving how Harper has started saying ‘dang it’, which I’ve realized she learned from me, and that she always uses it in the right context.  I am loving that Harper will sit still long enough (if I give her a book or put on a movie she likes to distract her, like Tigger or Elmo or Mickey Mouse) to let me French braid her hair.  I am loving how Harper rips out whatever I’ve done to her hair the second I’m not looking at her.   I am loving when Harper goes to my parent’s house and gets so excited as we walk up to the door that she almost can’t contain herself, and when we walk inside, she runs in and starts yelling “Hello!  Hi!”, waiting for a response from anyone there.   I can’t get over how cute and precious it is to hear her yelling ‘Grandma’ or ‘Grandpa’ and searching frantically for the room she heard them reply from.  It is bringing tears to my eyes just thinking about it (and how I’m going to miss it, since they are moving to ---).  I am loving how Harper says Grandma --- and Grandpa ---, and how much she loves playing at their house, especially with the green chair that plays music and the towers of blocks and cups.  I am loving how Harper says ‘pease’ and ‘tank you’ or ‘tanks’, even without me telling her to say it.  I am loving how Harper repeats “I love you” (or, in her words, “I yuv you”), and even said it to me out of the blue on her own the other night when I was holding her in her room at night and just kept telling me over and over.   I am loving how Harper will just snuggle on my shoulder the second I pick her up if she is sad or even just awake during the middle of the night.  I am loving that Harper recognizes pictures of Jesus and Joseph Smith, and even the golden plates (and says who/what each of those things are…it’s so cute).  I am loving how much one on one time I am getting to spend with my sweet little Harper.  I guess I wouldn’t have had as much of this special time together with Harper if I was sharing it with two newborns.  Even though I often wish I was sharing this time with them and am still heartbroken for them, I feel more grateful for Harper because of what has happened.  She really is the light of my life.  We have so much fun together and I love her to pieces. 

I say all these things that I am loving about Harper right now, and it makes my heart melt just thinking about all the cute things she does every day, but I am also loving Matt.  I am loving how much he loves his little family and how hard he tries to provide everything for us.  I am loving how he has laughing contests with Harper and how she just adores him.  I am loving that Matt has become a ‘project’ guy and wants to do tons of DIY things around the house and yard.  I am loving how ambitious Matt is in his career and that he is working towards doing the things he loves to do, like consulting and anything supply chain management related.  He is so smart and driven and is a great provider for our family.  I am grateful that Matt is so committed to supporting our family so that I can stay at home with Harper and all the future kiddos that come along in our family.  But I am also loving that Matt doesn’t value work so much that it overshadows the family.  He always puts family and church first.  I am loving that Matt is a worthy priesthood holder and has been able to give both me and Harper blessings over the past months.  I am loving how Matt loves to play games and how competitive and honest he is in them, even though we swear he has sold his soul because he wins almost every single time and he literally has the luckiest things happen to him in every game.  It’s just not right.  I am loving how we see eye-to-eye with our finances and that we are both frugal and proud of it.  I am loving how Matt is not afraid to grow his hair out a little or grow a beard that rivals almost any biblical character’s (even though it confused Harper for a while, as she would see pictures of Jesus at church and think it was Dad).  I am also loving that he finally shaved the beard.  I am loving how Matt will warm up my frozen feet every night in bed and let me snuggle up to him for warmth.  I am loving that the young men in our ward enjoy having him as their first counselor, because he probably just fits right in with them.  I am loving that Matt has let me pick out all three of our kids’ names, and that he didn’t insist on using his suggestions of Jethro and Tull or Napoleon and Kip for the twins.  I am even loving that I can hear Matt snoring through his cold right now as he sleeps.  It’s kind of endearing.  Love you, Matt!

So today, in honor of it being Maddox and Sampson’s due date, my parents invited us over for dinner at their place.  Before we headed over there, and while Matt was still at work, I took out our box of mementos we have of Maddox and Sampson to show things to Harper and just to help me remember all their details.  Harper was too young to know what happened, and she is still a little too young, but I always try to remind her that she has little baby brothers up in heaven and we always include them in our prayers with her.  I showed her the little teddy bears that the twins held in the pictures that were taken at that hospital, which she decided to claim as ‘Harpers’ and did not want to put back willingly.  I looked at the little footprints stamped on each of their papers.  Their tiny little feet were about the size of the tip of my pointer finger (at first I tried the tip of my thumb, but that was too long).  I picked up each of their boxes that are filled with the tiny clothes and hats they were dressed in and the blankets they were wrapped in and just held my nose in them and smelled them.  I didn’t wash any of their clothes or blankets when we came home because I wanted to remember their smell.  Their things don’t really have much of the smell left, but I can still smell them when I close my eyes and remember.  I touched the blankets and thought back about how I held each of my two boys in my arms when they were born and wrapped in those blankets and how I kissed each of their little bodies.  I will never forget the short time I spent with my two precious little babies.  I will never forget the smell, the feel of them resting in my hands, the overwhelming love I felt as I cradled them in my arms.  I will cherish that brief moment forever.

We took some blue balloons to my parent’s house and took them into the backyard before we ate.  After coaxing Harper away from the play house under the deck, we held those two balloons and let Harper release them into the sky.  The balloons drifted between the trees in the backyard and floated up toward the clouds blanketing the sky.  Harper had this huge smile on her face as she watched the balloons float away.  She loved it.  We watched as both balloons travelled higher and higher toward the heavens, and I thought about how maybe Maddox and Sampson were looking at us from Heaven, watching and waiting for their balloons to reach them.  I thought about how the balloons were our way of remembering how special Maddox and Sampson are to us, our little message telling them that we won’t forget about them and that we love them so so much.  It was a special moment for me.  My dad got a few good pictures of the experience.  They are priceless.  I’m glad we did something today to remember our babies, our second and third children, Harper’s little brothers,our  family.

Today was bitter sweet.  I’m still sad about losing our boys, but I think this whole experience has made me stronger and has taught me valuable life lessons.  I feel more empathetic to other families going through similar situations.  I feel more gratitude for the things, and more importantly, the people that I have in my life.  I don’t think I take as many things for granted.  I have always loved Harper, but after realizing how unpredictable life is and how limited our time is on earth, I feel so blessed and honored to be able to raise Harper and be her earthly momma and my love for her is beyond what words can describe.  Even though I’m definitely not perfect and sometimes (a lot of times) feel like I’m falling short of my calling and inadequate, etc., I appreciate every single little tiny moment I have with Harper and with Matt and my family and just here on earth in general.  I am grateful for all that Heavenly Father has blessed me with.  Hopefully Heavenly Father will trust me to raise more of His children on this earth soon!  I can’t wait for the day and I pray for it continually.  So, as Joseph B. Wirthlin said in a recent conference talk and as I’ve tried to learn recently, come what may and love it!

 I love you, my two sweet angel babies.  Love, Mom

Could not convince this girl to leave the playhouse alone!

 

Rachel Week!

Written by Rachel

It's Rachel Week!  It's kind of like Shark Week, but 100 times less cool and exciting (is there anything cooler than Shark Week?? I think not)...so no, I guess it's nothing like Shark Week.  But I'll at least make it more interesting than Watching Paint Dry Week :).  So for all 2 of my readers, I will try to catch up a little to where I am today (even though I know I will still be way behind...let's be honest, I won't even get close), and maybe I'll even try to throw in some 'getting to know me' stuff so people who actually don't know me can get to know me a little more personally (although I don't know how much more personal you can get than hearing about someone's experience during labor and delivery, getting manhandled by doctors, etc.)  I always like to learn about the bloggers themselves so I know who I'm reading about...it helps me relate to them better.  So, here goes!

My first post of the week is a journal entry I wrote about 4 months after I lost Maddox and Sampson.  I'm not even going to edit it and make it sound more professional, so ignore how amateur my writing is...I was just trying to throw my thoughts out in a hurry, and I'm pretty sure it was late at night, which is a recipe for poor grammar and elementary school depth :)  But you'll get the general idea of my feelings around that time period.

March 11, 2013

                 I would be in my 36^th week with Maddox and Sampson right now.  With twins, getting to 36 weeks is really the goal because anything past that is really just bonus time.  So March 7^th was kind of their due date.  It’s strange thinking that if they were still here, they would probably be joining our family any day now.  I was looking at Harper (my little girl) the other morning and thinking how grown up she looks and how much she is already ready for a sibling (or two!).  She is almost 22 months, just 2 months away from being 2 years old.  I can’t believe it!  People weren’t lying when they said how fast time flies with your kids.  Harper is still my little baby, but she is getting so big!  It gave me a little pang of guilt thinking how ready she is for a brother or sister and that she could have had 2 little baby brothers right now.  Now the earliest she would get one is when she is over 2 ½ years old.  Seems so far away.  How perfect it would have been to have Maddox and Sampson with us right now.  Harper can pretty much do her own thing during the day.  She plays with her toys, reads her books, feeds herself (and her clothes and the floor), and we can carry on little conversations and communicate with each other pretty well.  She is a great talker, and I can pretty much understand what it is she is asking or telling or showing me.  She is a smart little cookie.  She runs around and pulls herself up on all the furniture and gets down without falling.  She isn’t so dependent on me for every single thing during the day, so having my 2 babies right now would have been absolutely perfect.  I know Harper would have loved them to pieces.  She would have wanted to help with everything.  It makes my heart ache just thinking about what could have been at this exact moment.

                We went to our neighbor and good friends' house, Paul and Alli's, the other night, and while all the guys ran to a store, Alli and I stayed back at her house and just chatted.  We hadn’t talked about Maddox and Sampson for a while, probably since back in November.  But I think she was following a prompting to ask me how I was doing because I’ve been thinking about my boys a lot over the past little while since they could have been born any day now.  She asked how I’ve been doing lately, and I don’t know why, but tears just welled up in my eyes and I told her that they would probably be born right about now.  She started crying with me and said how sorry she felt for me, how she’s been meaning to ask me how I’ve been for a while but hasn’t known how to bring it up.  She said she’s been thinking of me a lot lately.  We talked and cried for a few minutes together about it.  I felt bad just letting the waterworks loose, but I couldn’t help it.  It meant a lot to me that she still thought about my boys and me and cared about how I was feeling.  It makes it real to me again when someone talks about it, because sometimes it still feels like it was just a dream and my boys were gone in the blink of an eye.  Of course I know it was real…I still think about Maddox and Sampson every day and think about what I would be doing if they were still here.  I think about them the most when I am with Harper and I feel the guilt and sadness realizing what she could be experiencing with them.  I feel guilty thinking that I somehow robbed her having her baby brothers right now, even though I know I couldn’t have done anything differently and that it is just part of Heavenly Father’s plan.  I think I will always have this guilt and heavy burden on my shoulders until we are able to have another baby.  I will still wish I had Maddox and Sampson, but I think that will ease the pain a little bit.  Harper just keeps getting older and bigger and it feels like the time is shooting past us, and there is nothing I can do to slow it down.

               My doctor said to wait at least 6 months before trying to get pregnant again, but even these 4 months since I lost my sweet boys has seemed like an eternity.  It eats me up inside.  I am just finishing up my last round of birth control before needing to go get a refill, but I don’t think I will get it.  I just feel like I can’t wait much longer, and if I get pregnant soon, then it’s meant to be, and it might take a couple months anyway.  At least, I hope that it will only take a couple months max to get pregnant again.  That is one of my fears…that it will take longer and that Harper will just get older without having a close buddy to grow up with.  I pray every day that Heavenly Father will bless us with a new little angel in our family soon for Harper.  The thought consumes my heart every day.  I just have to have the faith that Heavenly Father knows what is best for me and that He is mindful of the heaviness and emptiness in my heart.  

              I think I will start making plans to do some sort of memorial, maybe just with Harper, Matt and me on April 4^th, on Maddox and Sampson’s technical due date.  Maybe send some blue balloons up in the sky with little messages to Maddox and Sampson telling them how much we love and miss them.  We never did any sort of memorial, and I think I need something like this.  And I think it would be good for Harper because she is still too young to understand what even happened.   But I want her to know about and never forget her 2 little angel brothers.  I sure do love and miss my boys.

The following are all pictures taken around this time...

Dirty slides at bounce houses rock

Harper with her Count Licorice Dad

I know, I know...Yikes.  I need makeup

I joined a basketball league to keep me distracted

My baby wasn't a baby anymore!