Monday, July 27, 2015

Let's Get Real

Written by: Brianna

I can't believe I haven't even taken the time to announce this beautiful BOY that we welcomed into our family on June 8th!!

Allow me to gush for a moment before I take the time to explain why it's taken me seven weeks to show this beautiful boy off.  We are so excited to try our hand at all things boy.  New clothes, toys, activities (kinda, we encourage our girls to try a little of everything), and experiences are all in store for our future.  Some sooner than others considering how many times I've been peed on. ;)  I'm continually amazed at the simplicity that is boy world, and I'm grateful to be a member.  But most of all we are beyond grateful to have another healthy, living baby as part of our family.

That being said is why this next part is so hard.  Four kids is a lot!  It's a herd, an entourage, a circus, and it's life altering (in my humble opinion).

We never thought we would have this many children to raise, and it is stretching my capacity mentally, emotionally, and physically.  Also, news flash I am older this time around.  Not to mention older than I ever "planned" to be while dealing with sleep deprivation, losing baby weight, feeding schedules coupled with taxi schedules, multitasking on crack (meaning extreme multitasking... I'm not on crack), and the looming thought of going back to my part time job with my two littlest littles in tow.  Add this on top of the massive amounts of guilt I feel for not being the mom to my big kids that I once was, not counting my blessings every minute, and not taking in this grand finale/encore baby... and well, I cry every. single. day.

Now that I have you all worried, including my husband who gently informed me last night that he worries I'm headed for a Britney Spears type melt down.

Know that I can do this (I'm telling myself that too).  I can and have done harder things.  I have seen screens with no heartbeat.  I have labored numerous hours to hear no cry.  I have laid two babies in their final resting place.  I have cried buckets of tears to where there is nothing left to come out.  I have felt a literal physical ache from having a broken heart.  This is nothing compared to that.  And I refuse to let being overwhelmed and my mommy guilt get the best of me.

Hopefully this gut check moment has not soured too many.  I know there are so many who ACHE for the stress I am feeling.  I am also hopeful that there are enough of you that can relate to where I am at too.  So here's to reaching down deep inside my soul and pulling out some of that amazing perspective that through my losses I was able to gain.  Here's to to remembering what matters and letting go of some of the excess.  Here's to stretching and growing so I can hopefully become the person our Heavenly Father intends for me to be.  Here's to motherhood, the good, the bad, the ugly, and the fulfilling.  Here's to being REAL.

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